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Closing

November 14, 2012

I can’t believe I haven’t even posted this yet! I have stopped writing here simply because I’ve moved to another place because I feel like getting all of this out of my system meant that I could write about more than mental health. If you want to know about the real me now then please go here from now on: http://www.simonegoodfellow.co.uk

Thank you all for still reading!

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At a loss.

January 25, 2012

No income, no motivation, depression, over spending, ED behaviours. I don’t know what to do anymore. Neither me or J have the motivation to do anything, we’ve spent so long trying so hard to manage in our own family homes surrounded by people who are poisonous that now we are out of those homes we are exhausted and just need rest. Yet we can’t take a break because we need money to live. No one in our family seems to understand properly how to help us because generally they are the cause of our feelings today. They make us feel helpless because, well, they are pretty useless. They say they will help us but when we ask they often critisise and make us feel worse than we started off with. We are 2 teenagers alone and scared with no one to just help us along the way. We both feel like failures and neither of us can cope just getting through the day and there’s nothing we can do.

It’s scary and we need help but what kind of help is a mystery. I just want to breakdown and give in but I’ve been strong for so long I don’t know how. So much is blocked out because it is impossible to deal with so much without spontaneously combusting in the process. J hates Uni, hates it so much and if he doesn’t go in tomorrow, that’s it, he can no longer go to that Uni and then do we stay where we are now and get jobs (fat chance)? Or go back to live closer to where we have all of our lives been familiar. The benefit is knowing people near us and the down side is knowing people near us. We love to hide away at home and never leave but then if we are near people we know they will notice and hassle us. I just don’t know what to do anymore, I know we won’t be left on the streets by our families but then It’d probably be a better option than living with either of our families. We shouldn’t have to have dealt with so much, we’re 19 for gods sake. Our lives have been plagued with many deaths, mental illnesses of almost all family members on my side and depression on his. We went to church and were hated there for being too close to eachother but when you find someone who understands what you feel then what do you expect! So then a huge part of both of our lives was gone there too. There’s been suicide attempts, self harm, overbearing parents, uncaring parents, guilt trips, being forced to care for parents, divorce, too much. It’s all too much. And it won’t end. It just won’t end.

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I’m not really sure where this is going…

January 21, 2012

This thing called life. I’m not really sure where I’m taking this thing, not that I generally take it all that seriously. I’ve been looking after myself and I don’t know why. Making sure I brush my teeth twice a day, taking my meds, trying to lose weight healthily. I don’t know why I’m doing it but I think it’s one of those control things. Because I don’t really feel happier doing it, but it’s helping me to keep track of each day.

Time is speeding so fast and the world seems to rush past me as I do more of nothing. My life isn’t much but it’s still mine and I guess I’m trying to appreciate more since she died. But then maybe it’s the meds? I really don’t know. I have hardly self harmed since starting them and have only have 2 or 3 outbursts with threats of suicide. It’s ridiculous that such a thing like that could be an achievement. It just makes everything seem even more ludicrous. I think I’m hurting but I can’t really feel it. I’ve been spending excessively and loving how I know I shouldn’t. Then the next day I feel like an awful excuse of a human being. So many people work so hard for what they have and still struggle and I do bugger all I get handed things. I just go out and spend what I want, although with no income it will run out. But psychologically, an excessive spender only breakdown when that moment of bankrupsy occurs.

I always imagined that I would end up on the streets because in the end people will stop helping me, when they realise I’m probably not going to help myself in the end. All these horrible things I have always imagined for my future and yet I don’t care because I just think, if worst comes to the worst I can just end it all. Easy peasy!

So many people wish for millions and yet I know I would be a miserable millionaire. I wouldn’t have to do anything for myself and would therefore have zero motivation to achieve anything. Money doesn’t make me happy, it hinders me. I don’t know if I will learn or if I really want to. Sometimes I feel like I’m waiting for that day when I finally just fade off the face of the earth. I don’t really expect to live very long let along have any kind of future. I don’t have a future, I have a consistancy of nothingness that I’m condemned to. And it’s all my own doing.

She didn’t deserve to die, I deserve it much more than her because she worked so hard for what she wanted to achieve and her I am, self indulgent brat who can’t appreciate anything. I should be the one who was  killed by the person they loved. I imagine if anyone were to kill me, It should probably be my husband because I make his life hell. Of course the top candidate is myself but then if it weren’t I would like it to be him. As some kind of reward for putting up with my lazy, narcissistic self.

He says he loves me and I feel so confused everytime he say it because I really don’t know what’s going on for him. He loves me and yet I am not worth the time of day. I complain, I nag, I cry, I argue, I shout, I hate with so much passion. I often think maybe he likes the company but then I remember how anti- social he really is. I don’t know what it is. And I love him too when I’m not too busy hating him for some menial reason or screaming abuse and trying to get him to stop me topping myself to show that he cares. It’s not pretty, our relationship.Yet, our relationship may be a thing of beauty. Because all the anger and hatred spurs only more love when we realise that the only reason we are screaming is because we are hurting from our own demons. We scream at eachother only to breakdown and try and protect eachother from ourselves. It’s hard for me to be romantic, I get embaressed and the words I love you don’t often come from mouth because I have to be 100% sure I am feeling that way at the time. I refuse to say the words I love you without feelings deep and undying wonder at the being infront of me. Love means too much to be thrown around at every occasion.

I don’t know if I can cope going to Catherine’s funeral. It means acceptance. I just feel like if I didn’t go then I would be hated by the other people who would expect my attendance. Yet I know Catherine wouldn’t hate me, she would want me to be safe and okay. I have had one awful breakdown over her death and I don’t know how I would manage in public. I imagine it and just feel scared. I feel trauma. I wish I could save her, one day to be with her would just feel like I could then say goodbye. Instead of leaving it with unfinished plans of spending new year together. Not lighting a candle on New Years Eve and crying until it hurt when the clock struck midnight. It’s just all feels so wrong and  one awful.

I just wish I could find that one photo of us from primary school. 6 years old and grinning with your arm round my shoulder. I could watch the video that was made at school, that’s the only way to see you living, breathing and moving again but then you were 11 then and we have experienced so much since.

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My Dear Catherine.

January 16, 2012

You may remember a post I wrote about a beautiful friend of mine whom I love dearly.

I have some bad news.

Catherine was killed recently, by her boyfriend.

Here is that post again.

For you Catherine.

Catherine Likes to Paint.

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Close friends.

December 26, 2011

It’s really hard for me to keep friends. I find it difficult to be extremely close to more than one person at a time and often jump back and forth between feelings of who I’m closest with. It causes a lot of difficulties due to me acting qute clingy to someone one minute and then not even thinking of talking to them the next. I do it absent mindedly but they notice. My friendships become intense very very quickly and if the other person doesn’t follow suit then I can seem a bit full on.

The internet helps me to maintain easier relationships because internet friends don’t generally need as much consistancy and a friend you may see on a regular basis. It’s easier for me to have friends that don’t mind if I’m gone for a bit because I can’t maintain consistant relationships, they go up and down all the time. I may be talking to you every day one minute and then not speak to you for a year. The constand need to feel appreciated and loved plays a big role in this. If a new person seems interested in being friends with me then I can very quickly attach to this new person and their newness is enticing. It will be a different friendship and It won’t be the same as any other. Therfore, I start to neglect others for this one person out of the love for this new loving friend. And then that will fade and someone else will come along. It’s sad but It’s how my life has played out. I always expect new thing to be better. The consistant friendships I have managed to maintain are those that know how I work and see me as a good friend regardless of the amount I talk to them or how many times I see them. They know I have a hard time with relationships and love me nonetheless. Thank you L especially.

It would be extremely hard for me to have a lot of close friends outside of the internet due to having to maintain seeing them to keep the friendship going. This is how I screwed up at school friendships. I did have one main group of friends but I was often moving from group to group so things were constantly new and not predictable. However, girls don’t deal well with their friend coming back and forth into the group. They didn’t really understand whether I wanted to be friends with them or not. And I did, Iwas just friends with other people too and didn’t want to stick with one group. I couldn’t. It doesn’t work out well though. After school I ended up losing most of my friends. I wasn’t interesting in carrying on the frienships and nor were they, except a small few. 2 of them to be exact. The best way for me to have close friends is to have one close friend from each part of my life and then there is no favouritism because they are completely different. For example, I have one close primary school friend, one close church friend, one close secondary school friend, one close mentalist friend (changes a lot) and one close gaming friend. Although I reckon I see them as closer than they would me. My attachments to them are very extreme but depending on who I have spoken to last they will be the one I feel I am closest to. In some way there is an element of idolising with internet friends in particular, I so want them to like me and need their acceptance to feel good about myself.

Now that I think of it in every element of my life I haven’t have consistant friends. In church I was friends with 3 girls mainly and I switch between them a lot, 2 of them were sisters but I still switched between them frequently. As they one of them wasn’t close to the third girl it meant we weren’t a group of friends so that’s why I was always going back and forth. I always seem to make friends with people who are completely different to eachother and that’s why it’s hard to be friends with them all because they don’t go together. As my identity constantly changes so do my friends, it seems. Even in primary I was friends with 3 different groups throughout. Everyone else seemed to stay in the same groups.

You can often end up feeling lonely and like you don’t fit in when you’re constantly changing friends but then J came along and he was mine and I was stuck to him like super glue. He gave me what friends couldn’t, romantic love, and as I stuck to him and got addicted to being in a relationship I hardly ever saw friends again. I speak to friends but I don’t see them much. I get horrid seperation anxiety and my biggest fear is that if I do go away from him I’ll continue unconsciously with my pattern of attaching to someone new due to wanting more and more and nothing ever feeling enough. I don’t want to jump from man to man, I want to keep us safe. I want to be in control. So I’ll stay here and I will write to you and make internet friends and be close to them and they will fade and new people will come along.

I want to just apologise to Tyler and Molly for being so intense so quickly in our friendships, you were both just so lovely to me and I appreciate that more than you can imagine.

 

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Nobody really knows.

December 20, 2011

He’s on the phone to his mum and once again she’s asking the same questions and I hear that one that always makes me laugh. He responce is always the same “yeah, she’s fine”. I listen to him say the same thing again and laugh as I sit on the bathroom floor slicing my thighs.

It’s kind of exciting having a secret identity. A secret identity I have to have so people can accept me as human. If family knew what went on for me they wouldn’t understand and family in law would definately not want their son anywhere near me. It’s time like that when I realised how disturbed a human being I really am. To the point that I need to hide who I really am. I cut myself. I am never really okay but It’s okay if you don’t know that. You just need to see the surface and listen to mine and my husband’s words.

He doesn’t tell them because he wants to protect me. He is the only one who really knows why I do the things I do and why I feel the way I feel. Even though he may not realise it himself. He is keeping me safe from their hate and judgement. We can deal with my behaviors together and nobody else in the family needs to know how really bad I am.

I don’t tell them because I feel they don’t deserve to know. I can talk to my father in law about my problems to an extent which is good. It helps me feel like I have more support from someone at least. Although emotions are a no no. He’s a man who doesn’t like to show any emotion other than sarcasm and anger. Like my father. I can tell him the facts and he can give a logical answer but any emotional bollocks and I know he wouldn’t know where to start or even want to.

Social Networking sites are one of the wonderful things that let me give the illusion of normality and harmony in my life. I write about the good things and my family can think “great, she’s fine” what they don’t see is that while I’m writing it I’m thinking of where else on my body I can mutilate. I’m not lying. I never lie. The good things I write are always true but then I can feel the good and bad simultaneously. It’s very normal for me to feel good and still be utterly chaotic and on the verge of throwing myself out of the window. I don’t even try and act normal when I visit family because I am normal around people, you wouldn’t guess anything about me other than I seem like a nice girl. It’s not that I can suddenly control myself in front of others, it’s that my dangerous impulsive are more alert when I’m alone because I can do more, therefore making it more dangerous. The more comfortable I am around someone the more I am in danger. If someone can accept me and understands my behaviors and am less resilient to stop myself because I know they will love me regardless. You’d think it would be the opposite but it’s not.

I say that but I know that if I had to live with any person for an extended period of time no matter how close I would need to act on those impulses at some point regardless of what they thought. It would just start off with me being a lot more resistant to it all.

I feel like I have this nice girl outer image that family and friends see but there’s this girl who is the complete opposite and she can’t be known to them, I have to keep her a secret because if everyone were to accept her then she would take over. If family felt okay with the fact that I self harm and have chaotic behaviors then I would probably end up dead. Exciting huh? I’m teetering on the balance between good and bad and all it has to take is some disappointment and some boredom to make me want to tear myself apart.

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Being something I’m not.

November 27, 2011

I have always been the weird kid. No matter how much I try not to be, I will always just be a fraud. Because that’s what I am, I’m the wannabe who will never look as good or be as confident as the other girls. Facebook and twitter let me create the perfect persona, a confident, pretty (photo edited) girl who has a loving husband and is going to be an amazing writer one day.

Truth is, I’m not anything I pretend to be. I am not confident, I am not pretty, my relationships is really really hard and I say I’m going to be a writer because it’s the only thing I haven’t screwed up yet. I get piercings, tattoos, dye my hair and for what? To just feel like I’m trying too hard. No matter what I do, no matter how I dress I just feel like I’m trying to copy other people. But then everyone gets their style from others so why can’t I pick the things I like and not feel like a complete fraud. I used to be the good mormon girl whose only hopes and dreams were to have a husband and be a housewife. But now I have dreams beyond that I’m not sure what to with myself. I dropped everything I believed in because it just didn’t feel right anymore and now I don’t know what I believe in. I just don’t know who I am. I used to have so many beliefs and ideas and now I feel completely lost. I am not my clothes, I am not my hair, but then I don’t know what else there is to me. I just feel like a nothing. I’m not even ill, I just can’t be bothered to face my family problems so I hide away and do whatever I want. I don’t deserve benefits and I don’t deserve to get “better” because the only thing I will ever be is pathetic and you can’t get better from something that you have always been

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