The "crazy phase"

August 3, 2010

I always believed everyone had the same upbringing as me, when you’re a child you think all families are the same…until you say to a friend your parent is in hospital and suddenly they aren’t allowed round your house. I dont remember when I realised when things were different for me but it still astounds me today that some people don’t even know what mental illness is. They’ve seen serial killers on tv who are locked in mental instutions so that is what crazy is that is what “mentally ill” is. Thats what i knew as a child, my dad was crazy.

As i grew up I became more aware of mental “illness” and it wasn’t right to say he was crazy but it was what my mum said as although I grew out of the “dad is crazy” phase my mum never has. And I don’t think she is ever will. It is damaging for him but I guess she feels she deserves to be selfish after he had breakdowns and “abandoned” her to be put into hospital. She doesn’t understand that it’s not his fault. She just says “I could’ve gone crazy but I didn’t” as if you can flick a switch. The anger this makes me feel towards her is strong and continual which makes it hard to bond but until she learns to be educated from ignorance things won’t change between us. Even if dad is “crazy” he will always put me first and I am a daddys girl. He never intentionally abandoned me.

My dad had been away for a long weekend and although it was nice to step out of my parental role I felt extremely lonely and all my mum could talk about is how she dislikes him and how he should get back to work and stop being lazy or insulting his weight. I have to hold back so much from giving her a slap but she would take it as hatred and threaten suicide. I’m certain she has BPD but she would never even talk to a mental health advisor because that means you’re insane. I have my mums mannerisms and neurotism and my dads intelligence and humour so I’m an intelligent neurotic but I’d rather that than a stupid girl who could handle emotions.

I guess I just wish all people would grow out of the “crazy phase”, ignorance shattered.

– Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone


One comment

  1. My mother used to tell me to snap out of and pull yourself together when I was really depressed years ago. This was before they realised I was bipolar and it sucked. The worst part is she is a nurse but she didn't believe then in mental illness either. I would get so angry and resentful towards her too as I felt like I was being validated. She didn't understand why I had a treatment team and why I was in hospital so much. I really relate to this post. I hope you are feeling okay though because the anger for me kept lingering and lingering and it took me years to sort out even after she stopped doing it. For you though it is ongoing. I hope that one day she does understand.Sarah xx

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