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I would like to talk to you all about Abandonment issues…Hey, where did everybody go?

August 30, 2010

 

Does this sound familiar? I live with the anxiety of abandonment every damn day and I am getting sick of it. The longer I am away from my boyfriend the more depressed I become. I’ve spent hundreds in the past to pay for travel so we can be together more and I just can’t afford it anymore, I never could. But I still do it, this feeling is worse than anything and worth every penny I spend to get rid of these feelings. These feelings stem from early childhood abandonment and my father’s hospitlisation and I just don’t know how to shake them. I’m also too scared to tackle feelings of abandonment because I feel if i let my guard down it will allow people to more easily abandon me so it’s a viscious circle.

My mum would go away when I was little and leave me with a psychotic father, so not only do I have that abandonment feeling, I associate it with extreme fear of harm. I need him with me to feel safe and with that comes a lot of bad feelings towards him, I get mad at him for putting things before seeing me because of the depression and anxiety I feel when he is gone. I become selfish out of the intense fear. I become so desperate and find any solution and if he seems to not put in the same desperate effort to see me I will accuse him of not wanting to be with, feeling if he really want to see me he’d try anything. Then it’s all his fault. All of these feelings of abandonment and anger just make it more likely that he’ll leave me. Then I was right all along, he would abandon me. Which then justifys my accusations.

I can’t win.  Up yours BPD.

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2 comments

  1. *hugs* I have a weird sort of abandonment complex. I actually usually prefer being alone, but the idea of someone important in my life leaving me does horrify me, and I get being abandoned by a parent (though fortunately I didn’t have to deal with the issue of parental psychosis, but I do sympathise). I have come to accept that, because our relationship is long-term and stable, that A won’t leave me (without good reason anyway), but the issue still fleets about nevertheless, and it sucks arse all round 😦

    xxx


  2. […] of a Maybe Borderline discusses fear of abandonment. I live with the anxiety of abandonment every damn day and I am getting sick of it. The longer I am […]



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