Traumatic Experiences/Therapist Assessment CBT

September 12, 2010

I guess this is partly a question along with a post about the experiences that stick in our head. Since the day of my dads first psychotic episode, I remember it and think about it every single day. I’m not sure whether that’s the same as anyone else who has gone through a traumatic experience. It’s usually just a flash of image. It doesn’t make me cry or break down it just makes me sad. The only time it really breaks me down is when I have to sit in front of a psych or therapist and talk about it. I think the saddest thing is when someone asks me what I remember from my childhood and the traumas seem to have pushed all other memories out. I can’t really remember much else, I remember the psychotic episodes, the psychiatric hospital and being painfully alone. I thought I should talk about my last therapist appointment as my fellow mentalists talk about their appointments whereas I usually pick a topic and talk about it instead of incorporating my day.

Dr L is really lovely, not like Dr Y, she was a bitch. I really just had to carry on with my assesment for CBT, this session was supposed to be about my childhood and my relationships and with my parents.I was determined I woulnd’t cry because it’s so exhausting and then the rest of the session is just a struggle. I did well but one thing triggered it, all I said was that as an only child I had no one to play with and that I would ask dad to play but he wouldn’t so I would play against myself in games and Dr L said those dreaded words. “That sounds so sad.” And that was it, I was crying and talking about how I was “just so so lonely”. She began to understand my extreme attachment to my boyfriend. With neglect comes fear of losing anything good that happens to you, you will die for it if you have to. It’s strange how something so simple as playing a board game with your child can show you care. Children need to play, and not just alone. But anyway, Dr L continued to write away everything I said, asking about traumas, relationship with mum first, I explained my reasons for belief that she also has BPD although I cringe to think it because If she does then the things I dislike about her definately come from the disorder, therefore making me feel hypocritical but at the same time, she is someone who wouldn’t accept the illness and try and become better. I said it wasn’t good, explained the ignorance of mental illness and how it’s affected me and of course her obsession that meant she went away for weeks to follow a celebrity, and left me alone with an ill father, with fear he may kill me. I was young, I didn’t understand, I knew daddy was scary when he was ill and would barracade my door at night.

Then it was on to my relationship with my dad, I was and always will be a daddys girl, he was ill but he would always make sure his little girl was safe. He was frightened of me having a mental illness and I remember seeing his eyes when they said I was ill, it was so painful for him to hear. Of course my mum said “Oh well, now I have two of you”. Dad had always tried his best to be there, although I was still neglected emotionally by him it was because he has never understood how to show emotion. He hugs me now and it doesn’t feel right, he doesn’t really know how. So I don’t blame him, something is clearly in his past too. It’s strange that the nice memories I do remember are days out with dad. And yes he did spoil me rotten. But that was my session really, and then I got a nice long questionairre to fill out which took half an hour and I have another appointment on Tuesday to hear the outcome. If she just says I’m insecure, a ball of anxiety and unstable in mood, I guess I’ll have to say, “yeah…anything else?”.

One comment

  1. My mum’s psychotic episodes were terrifying and I didn’t understand what they were for years. They were so confusing. If you need to talk to anyone about that kind of stuff, you know where I am. I grew up with mentally ill parents too, and it’s one of those, “CLANG” conversation killers. Take care. x

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