My real first CBT.

September 25, 2010

Well it definitely wasn’t what I expected. From bad experiences with impatient and intimidating therapists I expected to be avoidant and reserved but I explained to my therapist how I felt and she was the one said that she understood why I would be avoidant and that I don’t have to suddenly get everything right I have to take things slow. I don’t know the meaning of patience, if something takes a long time and has no instant result I’m not keen but I thought I’m here and I can’t give up without trying. My therapist is so lovely, everything I say she seems to understand and if I worry about something then she will write a list of advantages and disadvantages of what I’m worrying about and calm my nerves. I thrive from structure  because I’m used to chaos and things being unpredictable which has always been frightening, so the structure feels safe. Anyway, digressing as usual, she asked about any issues I’d had that week and of course I mentioned my breakdown at my simple issues of my boyfriend leaving to go home, sometimes I have abandonment “freak outs” other times I’m fine, I’m not sure what changes it but this week was a bad one.

Dr L drew out the CBT diagram which had thoughts, behaviours, physical sensations and actions. She asked me what each one involved and how each thing affected both me and him. She wrote everything down and made me feel safe with structure. I didn’t cry once which was a good as every therapy session I can remember I’ve cried. Everything I said was broken down into reasons why I would think that and thinking about whether each thought was rational and whether it would only apply as truth during a certain mood. Which of course was true, I would only believe that my boyfriend didn’t care about me if he was leaving or if i was feeling depressed, otherwise I didn’t believe it at all.  Of course I came to the conclusion that all of my feelings and actions mean I’m a bad, controlling manipulative person and that was when I welled up but I held it back, It’s too exhausting to cry. I think I was pleased what the results because I didn’t feel pressured into perfection immediately and things were at a slow and accommodating pace. With therapy at CAHMs I didn’t really understand what I was supposed to be doing and my therapist sat 10ft away from me and listened to me cry over nothing and seemed to give no support.

My next session is wednesday, she said we’d continue with this ongoing issue of abandonment and insecurity and start to address some of my social anxiety, I’m not worried about it, more not looking forward to the emotional exhaustion letting all these things out can cause.



  1. Glad it went well hon. How empowering to be able to not cry (not that there is anything wrong with crying) and to take positives from this and seem to connect with the therapist. Hope it continues to go well. 🙂 X

  2. Hello,

    Reading your post reminded me of my first therapy (CBT) session. It is so important to get the right therapist for you.
    I also keep a blog on the therapy experience for others who are afraid of the process.
    Hang in there!


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