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Splitting, Dying and Risperidone.

October 6, 2010

Don’t worry guys I’m not dying, It all fits in with my 2nd CBT session which I forgot to write about, oops. Well last Tuesday I wrote a post about some horrible nostalgia I was feeling, it ended in a full blown panic attack of self harm, tears and feeling like I was really dying. The feelings I had inside of me of such panic and fear make me feel like it was really the end. I was sure I was going to die right then and there, one stupid thing I didn’t think was to take my medication, I was in such a state I forgot I even had them and since then I’ve been taking them everyday (they are to take when needed) because the initial panic attack causes days of anxiety to follow. I can’t explain how it feels but I thought “feeling like this makes me want to die”, it’s so painful, so frightening it seems like there is no way out. It now reminds me of a song by a friend of mine, let me share some words with you to explain:

“Familiar claws pierce into my skin as the rush of fear overwhelms me, I am alone, I am torn open again.”

“You watch me slowly unravel to the floor as the world stops turning, Fragments borne of the shattered self too small to piece back together again.

Through the hazy mist of tears hasty glances, Walking by now rustling papers to drown out the sound of the girl going crazy and losing the will to live.”

My biggest fear is losing love. So any small kink in my relationship sends me into a fearful frenzy because I know that if it ended then I wouldn’t last very long. I know it sounds extreme but to feel that panic and fear  is unbearable even for a minute let alone months even years. The last time I had a panic attack this bad I ended up in hospital and was told I would be put on the psych ward but of course they didn’t have any space so sent me home, suicidal and unsafe. I think from experience I know that the feeling of the attack did dissapear so I think that knowledge is what kept me going through this one. And sleeping, sleeping definately saved me. Fortunately I had a CBT appointment the next morning, I was in shaking, sweating and when I sat down I couldn’t keep myself from rocking to calm the nausea. Dr L got me some water and put the bin next to me incase I was feeling sick and I explained how I felt and why I felt that way. She didn’t make it the same as the first CBT session because she could tell I was in a bad way. She took a while teaching me breathing exercises to calm my breathing which reduced my heart rate by about ten beats per minute but still very high nontheless. I spoke to her about my nerves about J’s birthday and how I was worried about him turning 18 and going off into the world without me. Once again she weighed up evidence for and against my fears and made me feel safer. One thing that surprised me was that she picked up on some serious splitting and impulsivity within what I was saying and I didn’t even notice it. Acting upon these bad feelings immediately and either self harming, trying to kill myself or ending my relationship for some unknown reason just felt like a way to release the bad feelings, I didn’t notice the trademark BPD impulsivity. I saw my BPD traits as the self harm and the tantrums, I knew I had impulsivity and splitting but not to such an extent she made me realise. She explained how what I was telling her all seemed very black and white and I just couldn’t believe I’d never noticed how black and white it really was. I would never give myself a middle ground. It’s either feel this way forever or die. Get mad at boyfriend, immediately leave him. There’s no thinking through, no middle ground, I was shocked. I’d never felt so borderline in my life! I’m grateful for Dr L she helps me see things I don’t even notice. I must admit though from past experience I have started being less impulsive and recognising that feelings will pass and things will be okay. Thinking things through has become a small habit, I only do it when It’s life or death but I guess it’s a start and the best possible time. 

I explained how CAMHS had dealt with these attacks so she had an understanding of how terrible it’d been handled before. The structure that is within CBT is so reassuring. I left there feeling a little nauseous but less so, I felt a lot better. The guilt I have from having these feelings makes everything worse. I feel guilty for having BPD and feeling how I do, yet I don’t feel in control of my own feelings most of them time. Feeling guilt over something that isn’t your fault I feel is such a big problem with Mental Illness because other people blame you for the things you cannot control.

Since all of this I’ve had to take my risperidone regularly which I’m a little worried about because my psychiatrist said it may make me obese, lovely. I don’t know when the anxiety will fade but hopefully it’ll be soon. From experience these attacks don’t happen to close to eachother even though I hope each time I’ll never have another. I have noticed a difference this time though, I’ve never had meds to help me through and now I do.

Well that was my update for now, It shows I’m feeling better because I’m able to write again. Keep going. Savannah xx

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