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BPD, You can have me but not the one I love.

October 9, 2010

I have this fear of my intense emotional behaviour causing J to develop BPD. I  know it’s a silly thing to say but with his life being not that great either, I worry that some earlier things that happened may one day come out as BPD and that I’m only good as a trigger for it. I know it’s known as a women’s illness but men do get it, if I could get double BPD to save him from it I would. In all honesty he has 2/3 criteria for BPD and even they’re mild, whereas I have 8 our of 9 of the criteria and some are quite severe so you can see the difference. I think there’s small chance of him having it, he has no mental illness in his family, just extreme anger, hopefully he’s safe.  Although starting a family with me would mean having illness in his family, I’m terrified of letting him down by passing my illness onto our children. I couldn’t bear to see them suffer too. All I’ve ever wanted is a family and it feels like a risk to even have children. I feel like all I’ve ever wished for is a happy family and it could be jeopardised by me just having children in the first place! It’s a horrible feeling. And to not get dependent on meds so that in the future I can survive without them for pregnancies! I hate feeling that I’m disfuctional. My Psych described BPD as having bugs in your computer that needs to be taken out so the computer can function better, saying it’s like the brain has to be reprogrammed to work the way it should. Reprogramming sounds frightening, I’m scared of not being me at the end of it. I’ve always been over emotional…I don’t want to be fully functional, I feel like I’d lose a part of what makes me, well…me.

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6 comments

  1. It sounds like your boyfriend is safe, but i can understand your fears and i certainly understand that you would rather have double BPD to save him getting it. I wouldnt wish this illness on ANYONE i love, it is way too cruel! You are right, reprogramming does sound scary. Id rather stay me, but less BPD because like you, i have always been a very emotional person!


  2. I found your website through various link clicking and got kind of fascinated by it all (thus why I’m up and reading at 4.24am, insomnia is a bitch sometimes) and I have something to ask you, if you don’t mind the question that is…

    I was just wondering, at what age were you diagnosed with borderline personality disorder? Because at 17 I was told I was a “strong candidate” for BPD but as I wasn’t old enough they couldn’t diagnose me as it could just be “teenage angst”. I’m 20 now and still waiting on a diagnosis, they still say I’m too young although I could have a diagnosis within 6 months as I’ll be 21 then.

    It just seems a bit odd, but then maybe I was seen by psychiatrists and doctors who dislike the idea of diagnosing something like a personality disorder to someone still in their teenage years.

    Sorry to have a sort-of unrelated comment to your post… I do understand your fears btw. I’m currently on anti-psychotics and my other half is avoiding doctors because he doesn’t want to go back on caged meds (he’s a manic depressive) so I get what you mean. I wonder sometimes if my ‘crazy’ isn’t going to send him over the edge again but he seems to be doing fine so far.

    And ditto to the fears about illness within the family that you start. My other half and I are getting married in two years time & I worry about how our kids could turn out (if we were ever to have kids that is). Because of my history of mental illness and his own, it’s more than likely that a child we had would have a mental illness of some kind. But the positive way to look at it is that you will at least be a kind and understanding parent and you will know the signs so your child could be treated faster than many others are, which could lead them on to a life that is not so dependent on medication and therapy as it would be if the illness was caught on to later on in life (that may be wishful thinking, I was ignored for 4 years in the hope that it would all “go away” but it didn’t and I’m still being treated and still haven’t found the right medication).

    I find it does help to think that you will be able to help your child more than if you were a parent without any experience of mental health problems. Maybe that thought will provide you with some comfort too?

    And it’s not guarenteed that a child you have would have mental illnesses, it’s just an increased possibility is all.

    I hope I haven’t sounded patronising or anything, because that is far from what I mean. Ah I’m rambling :/


    • I was diagnosed this year, so at 18 but i found out that my adolescent therapist thought I had it too. It might be because my condition is quite severe that it was diagnosed? It can be diagnosed at 18+. Thank you for your reassurance, my dad has bipolar and his grandad did so im scared about manic depression too, im still worried enough about me having it and it not being triggered yet! But it just goes to show why we are worrying all the time. Im always told that because of the way i was treated id do it differently and be a great mum one day yet im worried that i wont because of my bpd. X


  3. I’ve debugged a few computer programmes in my time … they don’t cease to be the programmes they were, they just become more stable, less likely to crash, and can do what they were intended to do more efficiently…

    People are way more complicated than any software, of course, but maybe it would help to think of your therapy not as reprogramming but as debugging? You’ll still be the same person afterwards, complete with all your emotions, it’s just they won’t be short-circuiting on one another…

    Be brave, lovely *hugs*


  4. Debugging is an interesting word to use…

    My two cents:
    What you’ve got to understand is that yes, having BPD has become a part of your life, a part of your identity. Yet the more severe aspects of it you could and should strive to live without, to put it bluntly; there’s nothing wrong with being overly emotional from time to time! You shouldn’t see working on trying to overcome emotional problems like this in your life as changing yourself into some alien vestige of what you once were but merely a progression along the long winding overwhelming riddle we call life!

    x


    • You hate me being over emotional 😛 means you have to put up with more nonsense! Thank you for commenting though, it means a lot, I love you darling ❤ xxxxxxxx



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