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Self Loathing.

October 11, 2010

As you can probably tell I’m feeling like utter trash right now. So I thought while I’m in the mood I would talk about the self loathing side of BPD. You feel like everything in the world is your fault somehow, you believe the way you feel is all your fault and hate yourself for feeling that way and then feel loathing again and hate yourself for loathing yourself. You see the circle…

I’m kinda feeling like that right now and the most annoying thing is I know I have to talk about it in therapy, I think the biggest thing that actually makes me not behave how I usually do and feel the way that comes naturally to me is because I know I have to talk about it in therapy and I don’t want to because I know I’ll hate myself for being so immature and pitiful in the way I handle things. I think that self loathing would originate from not feeling loved as a child, not feeling like you have any friends or that no one cares. Then you come to the conclusion that there is something terribly wrong with you and that you aren’t worth loving. So from my views it’s been my mother loving a celebrity more than me and my dad never talking to me other than to say “you stupid child, whats wrong with you.” which was followed by hitting. Surely you’d think that a child would become fragile to the point that they would take care of themselves and be gentle with themselves but all that really happens is internalised rage exploding and then you end up mimiking the behaviours of the ones who neglected you.

“You hurt yourself on the outside to try and kill the thing on the inside”- Girl Interrupted.

“Self-hatred is also a prime feature of many personality disorders“- Wiki.

“You like the movie you live, You miss the train, Kill yourself.”- Winona Ryder playing the role of a girl with BPD.

I don’t want this to be seen as an emo teenager thing, I despise emos for glorifying the real pain that people feel. They make it good to self harm. It’s not good. It’s horrible and behind it is severe pain. I mean I say stupid things when I’m mad like “I want to throw myself out of the window” said about…maybe 5 minutes ago and I don’t even know why. I’m not going to but it’s how I feel and If I feel something I can’t seem to keep my mouth shut, I want people to care and for people to say “please don’t do it, I love you” because It’s all I want to hear, that people do want me here. This time I got back “I’m feeling bad again now”, so restarts the cycle, ruin someones mood, hate yourself. Yes, I am a stupid Bitch but I feel I deserve most of what I get that’s bad.

I haven’t cried yet but that always calms be down and changes my mood. I know that even after I post this I will regret it but I won’t take it down, it shows the bad times and I can’t erase them and pretend they don’t happen. Right now, I am worthless and if I am worthless it means I’m not upset about the way people treat me. You become numb, in a state where you believe that you should be mistreated otherwise why have you been? There’s got to be something wrong with you, right? Now I have to tell the therapist about today. Wonderful.

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5 comments

  1. …I want people to care and for people to say “please don’t do it, I love you” because It’s all I want to hear, that people do want me here.

    I know it’s not the same as coming from your family or close ‘real life’ friends, but I want you here.


  2. You are a close “real life” friend Pan, and that means EVERYTHING xxx


  3. You describe the self loathing well, something I struggle to put into words. I can so relate.

    Take care,
    Cassie x


  4. Thanks for posting this! It describes the self loathing so well! I hope you feel better soon! We all want you here! xx


  5. Thank you Cassie and Steph ❤



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