My dad and his Bipolar

October 12, 2010

So lately I’ve finally been able to get the message through to dad’s CPN that he can’t carry on with the restless legs and irritability and anxiety any longer, not only is it horrible for my dad it’s painful for me to watch him pace endlessly across the living room and occasionally shouting “for f**ks sake!!” and the leave the house to pace some more in a different place. My dad is only on meds with psychiatrist appointments occasionally, in the last two years he has become so much worse. He had to watch his own father go through dementia and then die, the way it affected him is clear yet my dad didn’t have any therapy. His psych care seemed to carry on as usual with no change yet I saw the huge impact this had on him. It had a massive impact on me too, I remember seeing my grandad and he wasn’t the same person, I had to go to the bathroom and cry only to come back out with a smile and to hold the hand of a man who didn’t even remember who I was. And I had to be the strong one, at the funeral I was holding my dad’s hand for comfort and no one held mine. I’ve always been the one who has to cope. I’ve learnt to cope alone and that’s how I get through things. When my dad was hospitalised I would shut myself away, cry and come out of my room smiling and there to hold mum’s hand. My fear right now is my dad going back into hospital, he’s really not well and a med change could have drastic consequences, in a day he’s on on 1000mg sodium valporate, 2mg risperidone and I don’t know the measurements of his citalopram but I’m so scared that he will become psychotic again if anything is changed, right now it would break me. I know I survived it when I was little but then I wasn’t unstable myself. It’s a two edge sword and I don’t know which ones going to stab me. I can’t bear to see him in hospital again, I’d most likely end up there too.


One comment

  1. It sounds horrible hun and I’m not surprised you are worried and stressed about things. If your Dad does need to change his medication, is there any way you can persuade the CPN / psychiatrist to make sure he’s seen very regularly, say at least twice a week (with support from the crisis team if needs be?). At the end of the day if he needs to go into hospital, then he does – it’s not a reflection on you as a carer or him as a person, it’s just the horrible nature of the illness. Psychosis sucks 😦

    Take care and good luck with it all. xxx

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