Why can’t I fix this?

October 12, 2010

I’m used to things in my life being unpredictable and chaotic, it’s the way it’s always been so I don’t usually feel so helpless when things go wrong for me, I can ignore it. The time I feel most helpless is when I can’t help someone else. When I don’t have the solution or I don’t have then right solution for them. I start feeling stupid and completely helpless because I feel I should be able to save them and feeling that I can’t is  heartbreaking. I was writing a food shopping list for this weekend with my boyfriend and I just burst into tears, my stupid meals and “activities” that I plan for us can’t fix any of what’s going on for him right now, why can’t I fix everything, what’s wrong with me, I should be able to. I can imagine trying so hard to make it a happy and good time together just knowing he’s probably pretending to be okay to please me and go with the plans I’ve made, so I don’t feel like I screwed up. He’s so good to me and I can’t fix it. I can’t make things okay. And I hate myself for it.

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