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Being Alone.

October 14, 2010

Dr L gave me a weekly schedule and made me write down one thing I would do each day to look forward too. She wrote down what I like to do, going to the theatre, blogging, cinema, reading, gaming and then she remarked “there doesn’t seem to be much here with other people”. I fell silent and then said “Yeah, I know but that’s how I like it, it’s less emotional work”, I added that literally all of my friends were now at Uni too so I couldn’t just walk down the road to see a friend anymore because everyones gone. She asked about all you lovely mentalists and I said sadly how we all live so far apart and can only have the occasional get together. If you all lived closer I know I’d see you a lot more. With the social anxiety, being alone, although sad sometimes is much more preffered. Speaking to people through a screen is fine for me and can make me feel less lonely.Every weekend I spend time with my boyfriend, so that’s my social interaction. Obviously my parents are at home and there’s the occasional “hello”. I’ve always preffered being either on my own or with something I’m really comfortable with and I don’t want that to change, what’s wrong with that? I don’t want to be a social butterfly, I like a lot of  my own space. When my friends were here I would see them on occasion and it’s not my fault they’re miles and miles away now but I honestly don’t mind being on my own. I can write and do whatever I want without having to consider what someone else wants to do. I have my friends on social networking sites and I talk to them and enjoy their “company” and knowing they’re there if I needed any advice. I mean the biggest seperator is the mental illness, I admit that, I feel safer around mentalists because if I’m feeling nervous or panicky at least they know what’s going on and know how to help. At the mad up I felt completely safe with about 20 strangers, and it’s all because we practically knew eachother deepest darkest “secrets” from our blogs so no one was hiding anything and it was all genuine. I knew I was safe with these people, whereas the thought of being surrounded by around 20 mentally ill people would terrify most…how things differ when you become part of something. I know Dr L will try and make me “get out there” but I’m okay with how things are now, sure I get lonlely sometimes but I’ve always been alone.

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