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Major D.

October 29, 2010

Now I’ve never had major depression, I’ve been depressed but have never plummeted that far. But I feel like I’m edging towards it. I’ve been numb the last few weeks and been finding it hard to really care about, well anything. I’ve been trying to make myself cry everyday to make sure I still can, It can be refreshing not to feel but when it lasts so long it’s scary, I’m at more danger of losing people that way, if I stop feeling or caring. Usually when I think of something sad I can cry instantly but lately I can’t, I can think of the saddest and most tragic thing happening to destroy my life and…nothing. I just feel like shrugging my shoulders and saying what does it all matter anyway, what the point. I’m struggling to find a point, to any of this. If I do end up sinking in a major depressive stage I’m at fatal risk of losing it completely and not because of the depression. My psych won’t give me anti D’s because of my dad being Bipolar and my risk of anti D’s being a trigger, would I risk Bipolar to become un-depressed or do I just dwell in it? Either could be just the final straw for me. I don’t want to put J through even more rubbish, he should be having a normal relationship and he has to suffer with me. I feel so guilty and just wish I could be what he deserves. He’s 18 and shouldn’t have to deal with all of this.

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6 comments

  1. Hun, please see your doctor or psychiatrist if you feel you’re heading towards a major depression. It is bleak beyond description, and more importantly, it’s dangerous. Please take care of yourself honey. xxx


    • I have an appt tues anyway, when i say im depressed my psych tries to make me laugh and if i laugh he says im not depressed and thats it. Xx


  2. not good 😦 your Dad’s bipolar diagnosis shouldn’t be a factor in your treatment, the extensive research into the inheritability of bipolar is still far from definitive results. so far the link is anecdotal hearsay rather than proven. I have been severely i.e. clinically depressed for most of this year so far. The psych has had me working through various anti-ds. now 300mg of Seroquel http://www.seroquelxr.com/ which does seem to be helping with my bipolar depression. Please don’t make yourself even lower by feeling guilty about J or worry about what someone else deserves, if he’s good enough for you, he’ll be there for you. Depression is a very lonely place – I hope you understand from responses to this and other blogs that you are not alone, take care πŸ™‚


    • In a way I’m glad my psych is careful, it shows he really cares and I don’t want it to trigger mania 😦 I know that whatever I’m struggling with I will never be alone in this wonderful community, I can’t experience something that no one else has ever been through! Thank you for your support xx


      • :-))))


  3. even though there is no *proven* genetic link to Bipolar, there is very strong anecdotal evidence for it. I think your pdoc is being responsible by being cautious with the meds, because anti d’s can trigger manic episodes at the drop of a hat. With that said, is there anything you can do homeopathically? Have you tried increasing your vitamin D intake, and adding 5HTP supplements? They are over the counter (in the US, I’m not sure about the UK), and it is the compound your brain uses to make seratonin. So you’re not actually having to take extra seratonin or other chemicals, it just helps give your brain the building blocks it needs to make the “happy” neurotransmitters all by itself πŸ™‚ I live in Seattle, WA and our biggest problem is the lack of sunshine a large part of the year. The lack of vitamin D causes depression, and they actually have a name for it now. SAD seasonal affective disorder. There are lights you can buy that mimic sunlight and help (kind of like billy lights for jaundiced babies). or, more simply, tanning lights help too.

    I’m not trying to give you medical advice, just different ideas you could talk to your doc about. I struggle with borderline and bipolar1, and depression is the hardest part of it all for me. Anti d’s make me manic, but mood stabalizers don’t do the trick for me. these are just a few things that did work for me, so I figured it couldn’t hurt to share. Be sure to talk to your doc before trying them, though. To make sure they think it fits in your treatment plan or is a good idea for your body. Everyone is a little different. I wish you the best! Sounds like you have good docs, I really hope they are able to help you out!



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