General Update.

November 3, 2010

I’ve been finding it very hard to write lately because I’ve been feeling so down. It’s strange because I can usually churn out a post a day but with such a low mood, it’s like my brain has stopped functioning. My appointments were absolutely horrible this week. I saw my psych Dr SJS on tuesday just for a monthly check up and I told him about my depressive moods with no emotions and he said if I get worse I may have to go on anti depressents with is the last thing he wants to do because it’d be putting me at risk of bipolar. So yesterday I spent the day in a bit of a wreck thinking I had to suffer either way. Today was my CBT with Dr L, she spoke about my future and how she doesn’t know how she can help me much because of the way I get so distressed at everyday things, we don’t have much time to work together so she said all she could really do was help me with a few little things I could do each day to help myself. I just felt like she given me a death sentence, she basically said I was beyond help. She knows I need long term treatment yet can’t offer me more, that’s not my fault. I feel at a loss right now. I’ve had a lot of “those” thoughts but I can’t do it, I SHed a little and even that was something I kind of convinced myself to do to relieve the thoughts. I’m lacking purpose, I’m not really sure what I’m here for, If I’m here to suffer then I’d rather not. I know I carry on for my fiance and without him I’m not sure where I’d be. I’ve been pushing him away a lot because I just believe I’m going to ruin his whole life but he won’t go away, thank god he’s stubborn.

Sometimes I think I push him away so that I know he’ll fight to stay. And he always does but there’s a limit. I could never forgive myself if I pushed him too far but then sometimes I do feel I’m trying to save him from all of this crap. How completely ridiculous is all of this? Ergh, early night I think, I need sleep.


  1. Goodnight! Understand about the inhibiting downess, the most writing I’ve done the last few days is to comment on others’ blogs and Facebook statuses. In my case, I think the Seroquel is beginning to help me, Prozac did absolutely nothing. Like you I have a good doctor who is very concerned that He does not medicate me into mania. I doubt that you were actually told that you are beyond help, I would tell her next time you meet that you left with that impression. CBT is the current fashion talking therapy but it does not work for everyone. CBT is most helpful for short term reactive depression, for helping to mitigate the effects of an immediate trauma such as bereavement, redundancy, miscarriage and many of the events that can disturb anyone’s life: I am not sure of its efficacy for the clinically disabled…
    Hoping you have a good night’s sleep, David πŸ™‚

    • David,

      That is some good advice where you said “I would tell her next time that you left with that impression.” Therapists can not set your impressions straight unless you communicate to them what you think they said. Communication is very difficult to do well, the first step to doing it well is to be open about your thoughts and impressions with your therapist.
      I wish you all the best, it is hard to have hope when things seems so destitute, hopeless and impossible. In your writing I can tell you’re very intelligent and able to self-analyse. In my experience, we can self analyse ourselves further into the negative thinking. While venting to a blog is good, distraction works well for depression. I may be a therapist, but I have experienced many of the things I help people work through. I believe you just as I believe anyone can achieve the happiness they desire. So don’t give up! πŸ™‚

      • Thank you Kylie πŸ™‚

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