November 7, 2010

I felt like I really pissed my therapist off this week by being “difficult” but then I realised if I was willing to do everything she suggested and was able to do all these things with ease then I wouldn’t need to be there in the first place. Her job is to deal with me being difficult otherwise would I really be ill? I do live in a bubble. Reality from a young age has only done me wrong and therefore I have decided to stay away from reality. Thus ending in having to see a psychiatrist. My therapist says that living in my bubble is what makes me depressed but really it’s the small glimpses of reality that seep into my bubble that cause terror and despair. The idea of leaving my bubble almost breaks me. If I face reality, I see a failure, a reject and someone not worth anything who is destined to be poor with a family riddled with mental illness. In my bubble, I am a writer, an achiever, I am going to be married and have a family and live with happiness and security. And why can’t my bubble beliefs become reality? I pray they do but they are so knocked when reality does rear it’s ugly head. I know I’m hiding, I’m not oblivious to this.

Sometimes I do try to come back to reality, I have a positive moment, I start planning things I can do and then I think and think and something panics me and I retreat again. I curse my brain for letting me even consider stepping out of the bubble and then try and regather my thoughts and the reasons why I hide. I am safe. The thoughts of reality are the thoughts that threaten my life not the ones inside the bubble. The fear is that I know one day I will have to leave. Or will I? I’m just trying to have a simple life, my life up to this point has been chaotic and unpredictable, can you blame me for wanting simplicity. I’ve been severly weakened and just want a peaceful, simple life. Marriage, kids, a simple job, minimal chaos, no…madness. I’m not saying having a family is easy but I’m saying I don’t want years of travelling, degrees, difficulties. I should have been born in the time where life was all drawn out for you, everyone had the same life, the man went to work, the women had children and husbands and were looked after. I was born in the wrong era. I long to be looked after throughout my life, I want to be cared for, loved. I won’t put a career before family, I want my family to be happy, I want to care for them and be cared for by my husband in return. I want simple structure. I just want to be happy. I don’t care if I’m living in the old days, if it makes me happy who are people to judge.



  1. […] is looking for a simple life Sometimes I do try to come back to reality, I have a positive moment, I start planning things I can […]

  2. wow. I am astounded. Not by your subject matter here, but that someone FINALLY put into words how I feel inside!!! I have been struggling to understand my growing (what I thought was) agorophobia. My therapist hasn’t known what to make of my jumbled feelings when it comes to going back to work, or simply moving on from my pending divorce. I, too, feel like I was born in the wrong era. I feel like at one point I was this huge feminist who wanted to do everything on my own, but now I’m too scared to even go to the grocery store by myself sometimes. Is it OK if I share this with my therapist? Obviously I will tell her where I got it. But seriously, this is the most well-put post I’ve seen from anyone in a while. (Thank you for posting it, you have no idea how much this has helped me simply define the confusion and fear inside me!)

    • I know just how you feel. Living in London and alone – all I want is to be looked after by someone who cares. God forbid – I want someone to hold me and tell me that it’s going to be ok. I don’t understand why this is wrong, but apparently I’m looking for someone to save me. I disagree. Surely everyone wants this, and most people in normal relationships have it.

      • I don’t see what’s wrong with wanting someone to save you, if someone tells you they love you and it changes your life, isn’t that saving them? Isn’t that good…Grr I hate that phrase, I get it all the time too.

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