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Me and Her. And Horrible People.

November 12, 2010

Her?

Well, I think right now I’m experiencing the Jekyll and Hyde of BPD. While we split for other people, I feel it happens with myself aswell, one minute I will loathe myself and the next I’ll feel pretty great about myself as a person. But this isn’t what I wanted to talk about. With BPD, our emotions are always over the top, there’s no grey, it’s one extreme or the other. Only a few days ago J was telling me my self destructive behaviour makes things worse and then today telling me he is proud to know someone like me. And no he’s not being a hypocrite and changing his views depending on his mood. I am like Jekyll and Hyde, one minute I could be screaming shouting, feeling hateful towards myself and the next I want to help people and fundraise for charity, just wanting to save everyone from the pain they have. Although I don’t feel like I can genuinely be hateful towards people. Although that might just be my feelings right now, of myself being good.

SHE is bad, when she rears her ugly head, I punish her and despise her. Then the good me, I admire her, look after her, love her. The good me is creative, caring, intelligent and the bad me is broken, useless and doesn’t care about anything. It seems like I am triggered to feeling good by seeing others suffering, I see people hurting and my instinct is to try and do something to help. The other day, I saw a man sitting outside sainsburys, shaking, freezing cold, selling the Big Issue and crying. My heart wretched and I started crying, how could humanity allow a human being to suffer like this? People just walked past, pretending not to care. If I had the money on me I would have bought all of those magazines so he could leave. I was shopping with my cousin and the whole time I just felt completely distant from her and kept trying not to cry. If I were alone I would have bought him some food and sat with him for a little bit, given him some company. But I was with my cousin and we needed to get home, she wouldn’t hang around while I tried to help him. This is the good me. Then when we got home, the bad me came out. Why didn’t I do anything, he was suffering, I didn’t do anything, I’m stupid, worthless, useless, the list goes on. Although the good me still lingered because I wanted to so much to help him. With the man in mind, the real BAD transition couldn’t become totally complete.

Anger is the thing that tranforms me, I think: “who gives a toss about anything, who cares, I don’t care, I hate myself, this is all pointless, death, misery, blah.” I become self destructive, spend money I shouldn’t, hurt myself, I just stop caring about myself. Plus It upsets J, he hates seeing me neglecting myself, I turn into a moody child who wants to slam doors and shout “NODODY UNDERSTANDS ME!!” That’s what brings him to say that “your self destructive behaviour makes things worse.” and of course it does but I feel like it’s making things better because I am releasing my emotions, although of course not healthily.

I really wrote this because of the way that in a few days I have had 2 such different reactions in a few days to my behaviour from J and it just showed me how different I can and how extreme the change can be. Oh and because I was upset about a facebook group but I know if I talk too much about that I’ll cry and lose faith in humanity. Basically, people who want respect for their country aren’t doing themselves any favours by abusing other people’s religion and culture and that’s all I shall say on the matter. The End.

Horrible Humans

When you’ve been neglecting and abused, all you want for others is that they’re never neglected or abused. I mean, I believe that even the most hateful of people need to be shown love because that’s probably what has been missing and made them that way. I don’t believe in “an eye for an eye” I believe in seeing behind people behaviour. Seeing the past that may have broken them. Maybe I’m just too nice but there is always reasons behind someone’s hateful and abusive behaviour and it’s usually down to a past of experiencing such hate from others. When I see someone on TV who has murdered or abused or commited any crime, I don’t immediately think “sick bastards”, I wonder about their past and I feel sad, I wonder what may have happened to them to make them do these things. I’m not good at condemning people, instead I try and think about why these people may have become broken, why they hate or why they kill. I don’t hate them, I feel sorry for them. And maybe it’s wrong and maybe I should hate murderers but I always seem to see a broken child who never felt that there was any other way of living. I know that not all criminals have been abused and had bad childhoods but there’s got to be something, something horrible festering inside of them that they have learnt is the right way to be. But maybe I’m too trusting of humanity and can only believe that people do bad things because they have been done wrong themselves. Maybe I’m completely wrong. Maybe I need to stop thinking so much.

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One comment

  1. It was something I realised about myself today that often I loathe myself and other times I am content with who I am, today was one of those days where I hated myself, and catching a glimpse of my reflection in shop windows just made me feel 100 times worse, the start of your post could have very much been written by me!



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