It’s the little things…

November 21, 2010

It’s always the little things. Those small little moments; some you cherish, some you don’t…

Today had one of the latter.

What started out as joy of seeing J for longer since he has an inset day and I asked if he’d stay over from the day before but then it turned sour:

“Cutie :p i might go to cinema on fri with<best friend> tho if thats okay… Xxxx”

Which instantly leads to disappointment, since I wouldn’t be able to see him after he’d already told me he’d had an inset day and would be able to see me then only to later tell me that he won’t be seeing me after all…

Okay I’ll stop pretending to be S now, I need to study her prose more closely to pull it off even remotely convincingly…

Anyway, what was a simple text informing S that I potentially wouldn’t be seeing her for the whole day received the usual blunt, emotionless but secretly angry and disappointed text that follows any sort of change of plan that leaves me having less time with her:

“So there was no point in the day off”

You get used to that kind of response, you begin to tell yourself you know when it’s coming and exactly what it means but sometimes, when you’re sitting alone in the dark, trying to catch up with the work you probably should have done ages ago; instead of gaming or seeing her to make yourself happy, you end up just giving an equally angry response back:

“Im sorry i havent seen my best friend in ages, i appologise that its such an inconvenience to you”

Yeah, it was nasty and spiteful and was just me snapping back at what I’d interpreted as her being about to snap at me. Then come the death threats:

“Yeah it really is i’ll just go kill myself now im so devestated. Dont get pissy with me for being upset over a change of plans that is told to me after I make plans.”

Boy, I shouldda seen that coming but unfortunately it’s only then that I realise me allowing myself to snap back always ends up with everything worse off. So I try to salvage the situation:

“It’s just difficult sometimes when i always feel that anything other than just seeing you seems to hurt you so much x”

Sad but true, at least in my opinion. I always sacrifice catching up with work the easy way with seeing her and I know she’ll instantly rebuke that saying I should spend less time gaming and more time doing work. The problem is that seeing S isn’t always has happy and cheerful as it can be, or as sometimes with both need it to be. The result being she needs to see me even more, yet I feel I should see her less to try and make myself happier by gaming with friends so that I can get through the next day. Now I’m not defending how much I game, I know that I do it too much and that I need to cut down, I guess I’m just wishing for someone to understand that sometimes it’ll be one of the few things that gets me through the week.

Still worried at the all too-real threat of suicide or at the least self harm I send another:

“Please don’t kill yourself, I love you xxxxx”

Then the reply:

“Your text was hurtful. Putting mean words into my mouth. And its nothing to do with seeing <best friend>. Its because you got me all excited about your day off and now im disappointed. Whyre twisting it to something else x”

Yeah, it was hurtful but so was yours to me. I didn’t mean to put words into your mouth, you’ve done that so many times it’s only natural to expect a repeat and I meant to tell you before, honestly I did but I forgot. When things are okay when I’m with you I’m always so filled with love for you but I always fail to express it other than saying ‘I love you’ then forgetting a minute later and saying it again… and again…. and again… Although this time I saw you I did buy you flowers, I was going to get blue ones but I thought I always get blue, perhaps orange for a change… you like oranges right? I felt bad when I got them though because they were quite cheap, at least a lot cheaper than I was prepared to pay… but I’d have felt silly with a small bunch of bright flowers… so I only got two in the end.

Then another text from her:

“And im not going to kill myself i was being sarcastic because that text i sent is how you see me.”
Oh…. well, okay. I’m crying now writing it, you can never Ever ignore a threat like that but it turns out she was just snapping back at me again… Oh.

Well yes, sometimes that is how I see you. I know that you are and can be very fragile sometimes, what might’ve been trivial to me is a huge, drastic change to the week for you.

I guess next time I just have to wind myself up tighter, keep myself on a higher alert, keep my guard up… so that I don’t make a silly mistake and forget to tell her something, even worse, to then snap back at her when I struggle to do the work that is expected of me…

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