This is me, although what I am is not always me.

November 21, 2010

He puts up with everything because he knows that behind my anger, my ugly bitterness and my jealousy that there is something good. Otherwise I’m not sure why he’d stay, sometimes I feel it’s because he doesn’t want to be alone or because I buy him things and I am available 24/7. Or heaven forbid he might actually love me. Why be honest with someone if you don’t love or care about them?

If you love someone with BPD it’s hard to be heard over THEIR problems and THEIR struggle and I guess sometimes your problems become unimportant because you spend so much time worrying about their hurt and fears which are so overwhelming that you need to be on call when they want it or you’re in trouble. I will always try and fix his problems and even when I’m going through the biggest emotional set back, nothing will stop me being there for him. So, unfairly when I’m going through a huge emotional problem I expect him to fix it just like I was able to fix someting small of his. It’s like I can’t see the extent, I just see the problem and everything should be fixed even if it can’t be. Then I get mad and think, well if he won’t try he doesn’t love me, It’s like I’m blinded to what can be helped and what can’t be. I expect too much. I expect from him what I never had from my parents. Unconditional love, support through anything, no harsh critisisms, advice on where my life should go, I love when he tells me I can’t do something dangerous because it shows that he cares. My parents just say to me “it’s your life do whatever you want” and that says to me that they don’t care. I don’t just want a parent though, a parental figure yes but not a parent, I want a partener, a husband. And sometimes I feel he could do all the things in the world to make me happy and I would find a way to make him do more. My expectations of perfection need to be gotten rid of or I will lose him.

I admit this wholeheartedly that I become very scared and anxious when he would prefer to spend time with someone who isn’t me. Unless it is someone I know quite well myself then I become very paranoid and angry. I don’t force myself to be this way, it is fear that someone else is more appealing than me and therefore meaning he is going to leave me for more interesting people. I am not going to delete my last post as It is how I really felt at a given time and it is a true depiction of how I can become. I am not going to lie to any of you. I am here to be honest.

As always, I’m trudging on, S xx


  1. I swear I think your in my brain.

  2. Nah, she’s in mine, I checked!

    • I wondered who the hell hehehe was, dont be silly darling 😛

  3. […] of a Maybe Borderline discusses relationships. If you love someone with BPD it’s hard to be heard over THEIR problems and THEIR struggle and I […]

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