h1

Dr L: session 9.

November 27, 2010

Well…where do I start.

1) I humiliated myself.

2) I have made no progress.

3) I cried.

4) Dr L isn’t sure what to do with me.

5) With an end I can’t make progress.

 

With the limit of 5 months being set it has become clear to Dr L that there is no possibility to make progress as I am constantly worrying about the end being nigh. With the end being near it means that I can’t do things slowly and will constantly try and get ahead of myself because of knowing there will be an end. Dr L asked me how I felt about there being an ending and here comes the humiliation of bursting into tears and sobbing “please don’t leave me, you’re the only person who’s every really tried and been able to help me”. That’s it, I thought. I’m attached and when the sessions end, I am going to have a nervous breakdown, she’s there for me every week and she’s my weekly constant. I’ve never had a constant. I feel like I can release everything from the week all at once and it feels like such a relief. I just can’t lose that and I don’t want to think about when it’s gone because I’ll feel completely vulnerable and lost again. I can’t bear to be back there again. Even if I’ve made no progress and even if I never do, the fact that I feel safe that I can see Dr L every week would mean I had more chances of surviving this. She said about adding a few more sessions onto the end but I don’t know what that will help. She’s going to leave me at some point. I can’t cope with it. I don’t want to hate her, I really don’t but I know I will be so angry at her for leaving me to fend for myself. Dr SJS doesn’t seem to understand why I can’t make immediate progress. I said I’d had a month of sessions and nothing had really changed yet and he seemed baffled and concluded that maybe CBT wouldn’t help me at all. Maybe his previous patients have progressed immediately and suddenly been “cured” which I highly doubt. He’s so very blunt with me, sometimes it can be quite harsh.

 

But anyway, Dr L, It’s not going to be a pretty sight when I can’t see you anymore.

Advertisements

One comment

  1. I have found a book that has been of huge help to me. It’s called “Out of control” A dialectial behavior therapy (DBT) – cognitative-behavioral therapy (CBT) workbook – for getting control of our emotions and emotion-driven behavior.
    By Melanie Gordon Sheets, Ph.D http://www.dbt-cbt-workbook.com
    I have BPD, I have had a horrible time in therapy, very resistant, making NO progress, my first therapist of 4 years broke up with me due to very humilitating behavior, agressive, verbally abusive, just crazy shit. A therapist that had seen my son heard about it and called me – volunteered to take me on. I have fired her 5 times.. She just keeps the door open. She works with dialectical behavior therapy, that I just couldn’t get. The language of it make NO sense to me. I would be very resistant, sabatoge my progress – and then this book literally fell into my lap. I get it – It has helped tremendously. In the last 8 weeks that I have been using it, I have gone from being very unstable to being very stable and trustworthy. My therapist doesn’t necessarily fully agree with the book, but she is willing to do so to help me – and thank God that she has. I do ONE chapter a week. Then do all the exercises, and the concepts and skills tracking sheet. Then twice a week, my therapist and I review the tracking sheet, talk about it, what worked what didn’t work, etc. She goes over and over the concepts and skills until we are both sure I have it, and can mindfully do them, before we go to the next chapter.
    Please, anyone who has come to nothing but dead ends with BPD – try this book!!!
    PS, I have no idea who the author is, and I don’t gain anything from anyone purchasing the book. But I wanted you to know that there is HOPE in this horrible journey.



Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: