Marriage and Mother-in-Laws.

December 12, 2010

You will probably see a lost of panicky posts about marriage and moving out in the next few months. I woke up this morning, looked at J and my head started buzzing with thoughts as usual, getting married, how scary, it’s what I want but how freaking scary. My whole life, my WHOLE life. What a terrifying prospect but there has been so much I’ve wanted to do and haven’t done out of fear and I’m not going to let anxiety win again. If I did then it’d definately be something to regret for the rest of my life. Now for me, EVERYTHING I ever want to do seems to be some constant emotional battle. I recently signed up to a child psych home course and my mum just said, but you’ll never meet people then. No, “that’s really great I’m proud of you for trying something new”, just a responce to make me feel useless, as usual. And she wonders why I never tell her things. Now when I say to my parents I’m getting married their responce will be “okay, when?” It’ll be vey emotionless and uncaring but I’m used to that. Then J’s parents will be completely the opposite (it seems to be a bloody rule in my life that everything has the two extremes involved), they will be against it and concerned but will hopefully come round when they come to realise that it is his life and not theirs. His mum will be the worst, she will want to take over, control, I don’t want her anyone near planning my wedding. She will be upset it isn’t in the Mormon church but to be honest if I turned around and said that I wanted it in the Mormon church we couldn’t anyway as we are unclean and unworthy to do so. This would then cause heartbreak and ultimately an emotional breakdown from feeling useless, like dirt and made the apologise for being a follower of satan. No, thank you. I’m kind of glad that I am eligible to make mother in law jokes though. Mwahaha.

I wish I knew why I felt so hated by his parents. They don’t seem to like when I’m over there and I feel his mother is one of those people that dislikes anyone who may take her children away from her. Also the fact that my parents adore J, well my whole family love J, just makes me feel like there’s something horribly wrong with me. I even feel he’s liked more. Funny huh? It’s supposed to such a happy day but all I’m worried about is the fact that I don’t want to show emotion infront of family incase I seem weak and vulnerable. I’ve always had to hide my emotions and be the strong one and to let myself be myself on this day I don’t know what I’m going to have to do.

At least wedding planning keeps my mind occupied. Dreading when the course arrives. Blergh, I have no concentration, hoping I can just finish it all really quickly and then the 6 months won’t be needed, I love writing essays. Just hope they send all the material at once. I love learning, mmmm.


One comment

  1. Well done for sighing up to a home course – i wish i could have done that – going to unniversity kind of ruined me! I’m sure you will do fantastically… i know what you mean, i love essays too haha – i kinda miss them! And child psych should be really interesting, i wanna do a course like that at some point in the future!

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