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I want my Mummy and Daddy.

December 20, 2010

He can’t be your daddy

To leave home will be heartbreaking. Though, I need to escape from this horrible place and start my life with someone who will look after me, there’s still the fight against him, I don’t want J to look after me, I want my parents. I want them to look after me, it’s not his job, it’s thiers. It’s always been thier’s. With the care (as such) being passed over it’ll feel like they can finally say I am no longer their responsibility meaning that it’ll be the end of my pathetic struggle to ask them to care for me. When I cry J will look after me but I know that through my whole life I will yearn for my mother or father comforting me. That’s not to say that I won’t want J to look after me but I will always have that yearning. For a parent.

I don’t want him to end up feeling like a parent because it’ll only cause problems in the relationship. I know that the reason our relationship can get difficult is because of my parental attachments. It’s all  things you learn when you study psychology.

The Strange Situation

The procedure, known as the ‘Strange Situation’, was conducted by observing the behaviour of the caregiver and the infant in a series of seven 3-minute episodes, as follows:

(1) Parent and infant alone.

(2) Stranger joins parent and infant.

(3) Parent leaves infant and stranger alone.

(4) Parent returns and stranger leaves.

(5) Parent leaves; infant left completely alone.

(6) Stranger returns.

(7) Parent returns and stranger leaves.

Mary Ainsworth was particularly interested in observing the following aspects of the infant’s behaviour:

·         Separation anxiety

·         Stranger anxiety

·         Reaction when reunited with parent

Secure Attachment Resistant Attachment Avoidant Attachment
Separation anxiety Distressed when mother leaves 

 

Infant shows signs of intense distress Infant shows no sign of distress when mother leaves
Stranger anxiety 

Avoidant of stranger when alone but friendly when mother present. Infant avoids the stranger – shows fear of stranger Infant is okay with the stranger and plays normally when stranger is present
Reunion behaviour 

Positive and happy when mother returns. Child approaches mother but resists contact, may even push her away Infant shows little interest when mother returns.
Other Will use the mother as a safe base to explore their environment. Infant cries more and explores less than the other 2 types Mother and stranger are able to comfort infant equally well
% of infants 70 15 15

I am resistant. When my mum would leave to go on holiday I would cry and cry and cry and when she came back I would ignore her, she was undeserving of my affection after leaving me with no knowledge if she were coming back. I remember when studying psychology we learnt about this and feeling so depressed because I knew I was in the 15% that was different, that was a little broken. I wonder what it’s like to be secure, to be able to be in a normal healthy relationship that isn’t riddled with fear of abandonment and dependency. I wonder what person I would be now.

I can’t change this

It’s the truth. I can’t change what has happened to me, I can only change how I try and deal with it. There are some things that are so ingrained that I feel they will always be with me and I guess it’s just finding the things that can be altered that’s the challenge. Maybe, if my relationship were better with my parents it’d be better with J? No. If they started caring now, I would regress to a child and try and live here as long as I could to finally be babied, loved and forever be a child. I need to find a way to let go, to let go of them and let go of any hope that they are going to change and suddenly be parents. My marriage and my family won’t be like any other family, I know I will be a dependent mother, I will cling to the feeling of my children needing me. I need to learn before then to accept that people sometimes need to leave and that I cannot hold onto them forever, that everyone needs their own life and it won’t always revolve around me. No matter how much I want it to. This will be so hard for J and I know he’ll need to be so strong and work so hard to keep me sane and I feel guilty that he has chosen me, I know that elsewhere his life would be easier.

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2 comments

  1. Hi there,

    You seem to imagine the worst outcome here: that you won’t cope without your parents, and that J won’t cope with you.

    I found your piece on attachment very interesting. However, it is important not to pidgeonhole yourself into believing ‘the inevitable’ will transpire – it may well not. There is a balance between being vigilant of your fragilities, and being so entrenched by them that you actually sabotage everything that you have that could release you from them!

    I think you need to remember and hang on to what you have achieved, and focus upon building a good foundation to sustain your well deserved faith in yourself.

    Have courage!

    C x


  2. It’s my mood, the negativity flourishes when I’m down in the dumps. It’s not that I won’t cope without my parents it’s that I’ll never be looked after by them like I should have been. But I was neglected instead. Fear brings out the worst in me I know!

    Thank you for your optimism x



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