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Moving on.

January 3, 2011

To move on from your past is almost an impossible thing as your past moulds who you are. To literally move on as in geographically seems almost as impossible for me. I have a chance to get away forever, to start a new life, start afresh away from the place where all my life I have grown and been broken down. You may think, how great to be able to get away finally. But no, It doesn’t feel great. I have lived here 18 years, although it holds horrible memories, it is what I have always known. To change everything is completely petrifying.

Of course I want to get away but I feel the same way with it as I do about my anxiety. I don’t want the anxiety but it’s what I’ve always known and it keeps me safe. My room is my safe place, it always has been. To change the familiar is like throwing yourself into a pit of fear and never ending anxiety with stabbing pains all over your body.

I admire people who can be happy about new changes that will no doubt improve their lives but it’s like I can’t be happy because of those fears and anxieties. If I leave, I have to be completely independent and it means I HAVE to cope. I’m forcing myself to cope and it could have quite dangerous consequences. It is inevitably throwing myself right into the deep end. The options seem to be that I’ll either paddle well for a little while and then sink or first sink to the bottom until I can learn to swim in it. I do believe I will sink, very deep but it’s only to be expected, it’s scary I won’t be happy about it at first. But I know that gradually I will learn. If I had to do it alone I know I would be much worse off and wouldn’t be leaving anyway. It is J that is helping me move forward in life, even if it’s only a small step forward and then I have time to be depressed, readjust and maybe not move forward anymore for a little while. It’s a big thing to do and everything needs to move forward a small bit at a time to prevent an emotional breakdown. I feel luck to have someone who understand that I need to takes things a lot slower than “normal” people. That I can’t just walk out of the door everyday with a smile on my face and that sometimes I may not even be able to walk out of the door.

Understanding is key and I know sometimes he may not understand but his caring and love for me is understand for him to not have to understand all of what’s going on. The amount of support he’s willing to give me is like a voice saying “You’ve got this far and now he’s here to make it all better. He will allow you to heal.” But then to not be able to support him in the same way will make me feel selfish, I just hope my emotional support is of more worth than financial support.

And let’s hope the panic attacks stop! I have therapy again on wednesday after 2 weeks, I’m not sure If I’m looking forward to it. When I told Dr L I was moving and that I was excited she asked me a lot of questions I didn’t have the answer to. “How will you cope when he’s not at home?” “What about meeting new people?” Therapy can sometimes have the opposite effect. I was thinking of the positives yet she brought up the negatives, It made me confused but then understandable that she would ask me such things because she knows I would block those things out and then break when I have to tackle them. I just don’t want to think about the bads thigns because hopefully they wouldn’t happen and I’d just cope. As I always have.

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