A change in me.

January 9, 2011

Since that fateful day a few weeks ago when he put the ring on my finger, it seems like my depression and anxiety have melted away. I know it’s still there but it seems like I’m too busy to be depressed or anxious enough that it makes a big impact.

The thought of moving out, moving on, used to take it out of me to the extent that I would be confined to my room in fear. Now I’m out there unafraid, going into the shops asking about rings, dresses and the like. Not ONE person has judged my age, no one and it has made me feel so relaxed. My biggest fear was that there would be people who would attack me for being so young, yet nothing. I’m not sure what’s going on but it’s strange. My fears were clearly irrational…

That’s a big statement right there and one I hopefully one day will come to live by. My fears are irrational. My fears are irrational. What a breath of fresh air that sentence is. To realise that I don’t always have to be scared and that sometimes I am wrong. No I’m not “cured” of my irrational fears but I have been able to overcome one obstacle and one will lead to another. I don’t wish to be free of fear completely because then I’d only do stupid things without considering risks but to be able to diminish the fear that hold me back would be a great stepping stone.

The importance of J in my life is that he has given me opportunities to flourish and to overcome obstacles because I am willing to try and overcome them for him. I still have not managed to overcome things for my own gain and purpose but I guess it’s one step at a time. I believe he will always come first to me, I truely do love him.

The other night we watched a film and as we were about to fall asleep I burst into tears , I cried and cried, saying “I want my daddy back”, sometimes it just clicks in my head that my dad may be forever lost in his constantly deteriorating state of Bipolar. To move on with J reminds me of what I am leaving behind and it makes me sad to leave my dad behind while he suffers. He let me cry until I could cry no more and I fell asleep, protected and safe. I feel I may have these nights where I do cry or wake up in the night reliving my traumas but to know J is there is the best thing I could ask for. I’ve been through hell and I bloody well deserve this.

One comment

  1. I am very happy for you to see you have done well. congrats on the engagement wish nothing more than happiness

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