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Becoming an adult and Runaway Brides.

January 12, 2011

My session with Dr L today was nothing more than enlightening. Very hard but enlightening. I’ve uncovered why I’ve been having panic attacks over the wedding and it’s not just the usual nerves. It’s been something I’ve battled for about two years, the fear that if I grow up my parents would have never looked after me. That I will never have to opportunity to really be a child. I remember on my 18th Birthday crying my eyes out and not really knowing why, I knew I didn’t want to be an adult but I hadn’t really uncovered why. I think I first started realising when my mum started saying to me “You’re 18 now, do it yourself.” I was no longer allowed to ask for any help or any advice because now I was an adult, I would have to do absolutely everything alone. Or that’s how it felt. My parents have never done that much for me but losing the bare minimum is still heartbreaking. The older I get the less they want to even be a part of my life. That’s why I am getting so depressed over getting married because it’s like losing my parents, they won’t even really be parents anymore. The little they do now that gives them the right to call themselves my parents will surely be gone when I leave home and get married. The idea of losing the smallest hope that my parents will ever care sends me into a frenzy of panic which triggers my emotional fight against marriage.

I know that I want to marry J, It’s what I want. I have to keep remembering it is not the marriage that is making me depressed and frightened, it is what I am conquering within myself. If becoming a wife sends me over the edge then so be it, but I will go over the edge with my husband by my side, every step of the way. For a while I will cry, almost like mourning, for what I will never have. But I know that somehow will come acceptance and realisation that I have something more, something better that I can build my future upon. My parents may not be by my side, but J will be, loving me and caring for me more than they have been able to show. My parents will still exist of course but without them physically being there it will be like I don’t have parents, there won’t be any role that they fulfill anymore, they’ll be rid of me and live their own lives as they always have, just this time I won’t be there to feel neglected and unloved. I’ll still see them sometimes I guess, it will be uneventful and with the instability and ridiculous comunication methods It probably won’t be often.

This fear of leaving my childhood behind without being able to have it fixed now by my parents is something that will hurt for a long, long time. But I know that acceptance can somehow make it less painful. To step into adulthood and say my childhood is gone and I can’t get it back feels like it’s going to be the biggest challenge in the world. I’ve tried to hold off moving into proper adulthood for a while now and I am going to walk down that aisle straight into it, even if I have to be dragged kicking and screaming.

I can understand why some brides do run, It’s bloody scary. I see this big door infront of me and I’m being pushed towards it straight into commitment and I’m pushing as hard as I can backwards so I don’t have to become an adult and have responsibility. I’m shouting “but I’m only 5, I can’t get married!” it’s like an image of what happened when I was a child, I was forced into adulthood when I was only a child yet this time I am an adult and I am choosing for myself to make this commitment. Yet sometimes I still feel like a child being put under more stress than I should. Reverting to a childlike state is one of my defence mechanisms, it makes me feel more protected. God knows why, it was when I felt least safe but It’s just how I work. I want to get married, I just need to learn to let go. I can’t be a child again, she’s gone and I have to become a woman now.

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5 comments

  1. I’ve still not ever entirely got over my issues with my parents. Fortunately for me, my mother did her best – seemingly unlike yours, if I may be so bold as to say that 😦 My father obviously didn’t, and then he had the audacity to go and die before I could ever entirely resolve it.

    I’m 27 now and I still think of myself as a wayward teenager (I’m fairly sure I’ll still feel the same if I survive to middle or even old age). Everything that seems normal to other ‘adults’ – marriage, children, mortgages, housework – is completely and utterly alien to me. It never occurred to me that this could be connected to my parents, but what you and Dr L have both sense makes a lot of sense.

    Anyway, lovey, you’re strong, and you’re mature. Things may be tough, but I know you and J will ultimately make it all work. And if you ever need us all your mentalist friends will be right here with you too πŸ™‚

    *big hugs*

    Pan ❀ xxx


    • I know you’re all right here beside me too, to understand and care about me πŸ™‚ It’s my saving grace ❀


  2. Your fears are all understandable, but as you say you will have J by your side. And us x


  3. I spent many years wishing things had been different with my parents and my siblings. Both my parents died having not dealt with any of the issues that caused me so much pain. I spent a long time wishing that things were different and at the very least we could have talked about them. I have only just now reconciled with myself that in all probability, even if we had of talked nothing would have changed and i would still be left with the same feelings. Accepting that that is the way things were, are, has brought me some peace. You have a whole new future ahead of you, as scary as that is, don’t let your parents issues ruin your happiness. Good luck xx


  4. Listen — We never grow-up. The child is always tucked away inside, behind the mask of an older face.



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