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Ugly.

January 23, 2011

When girls get married, they want to be the most beautiful bride. When you have low self esteem this can cause a lot of depression and heart ache.

My session this week with Dr L was about just that. Before J no one has ever really called me beautiful, my reasoning behind my ugliness as a child was that the children at school said I was ugly and so did the kids in my road. These children had never met eachother so how could they have the same opinion unless it were true?

I know I am a not a child now but the feelings I get when I look in the mirror aren’t satisfying. I can do my hair and make up nicely and feel good but then I step into the world and see other people and I suddenly look like rubbish. I even hide my face from people who I think would look at me with disgust. I was bullied through secondary school too for how I looked and liked a few boys but they always ended up with much prettier girls and saw me as the “friend”. To me it’s like the more attractive you are the happier you are because I was so downtrodden for not being the prettiest, this therefore makes me feel like the more attractive you are the better person you are and this crazy theory needs to be banished.

Dr L started to ask me about my dad, she said that the first male approval little girls get in life are from their fathers and this helps build self esteem around other males. Of course, my dad didn’t praise me or ever say I was pretty and would say to me after a new hair cut or make over “what’s that crap on you face?” or “what’ve done to your hair?”, making me want to crawl into a deep hole and hide my ugliness forever. All of Dr L’s words started to cut me, I didn’t want to cry but I knew I couldn’t help it, there I was crying, my hand over my face in shame. She said “It’s hard isn’t it. What are you thinking about?” and I replied…

“I just want my dad to call me a beautiful bride. But I know he won’t.” Then I cried some more.

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