Conversations with mother and the running mouth of a mother in law.

January 30, 2011

Well as with any interaction I have with my mother it was an unpleasant and upsetting one. I said to her we’d go get her a dress for the wedding and said I’d get her something nice and classy then said (as a joke) “but you can’t look nicer than me!” with which she replied that I’m going to get all the attention like I did when I was a baby. That no one cared about her but were cooing over me.

1. I was a baby, that’s what people do.

2. It’s my wedding day, of course me and J get the attention, it’s not bride’s mother appreciation day.

I know she bitter because I want to sit with my friends on my wedding day and with comments like that you can understand why. It would be hell having parents at the head table, his parents would be screaming at eachother and my dad would be dropping food down himself while I try and stop him making a mess, while my mum sat in silence and moped that she was sitting next to dad. How lovely does that sound?

I want to sit with my best friend and giggle and cry tears of happiness while J and his best friend on the other side of me talking about male things and feeling happy. With us being able to turn to eachother with smiles on our faces, I don’t want to sit there feeling miserable and J have to hold me and tell me “it will be okay soon”. The whole room would be able to tell that we were miserable by the way we’d be sitting so close to eachother and trying to be as far away to the people that produced us as possible. We do love our parents but they have treated us so poorly, you could say to me “it’s not easy being a parent”. No, it’s not but there is no excuse for abuse, emotional or physical. It breaks my heart that I can’t have my parents emotionally at my wedding but then I have to accept that they won’t be there and I have to break away from the hope that they will change.

I can see myself sitting there wanting my parents but then knowing it won’t make me happier on the day.

A girl wants her dad there especially, to walk her down the aisle and to say how proud he is of her. The Bipolar monster has taken that opportunity away from me and that is another reason why I will fight this until I die. I don’t want another little girl (or boy)  to lose her dad (or mum) to this illness. I want my dad to walk me down the aisle so much, it makes me cry just thinking about him not being there for me. It hurts to my core. If it could happen I would be so thankful but his depression and shaking and lack of concentration could be utter choas.

Now, the mother in law thing. I got a phonecall from a sweet old lady called M saying how happy she is for me and J, that she understands how the church made me ill because of people running their mouths and telling both of us that neither of us were worthy of eachother. She said that J’s mum had expressed her disagreement of marriage and said that I need hospital treatment. M proceeded to say that both J and I have had to grow up young and are beyond our years because of the responsibilities that we have had to take on having disabled parents but J’s mother would have none of this. She refused to see that her son was a man and saw him as a child. Now you can see from this where the problems arise. Both of us have had constant invalidation of our feelings and no recognition of our achievements, no “I’m proud of you for struggling through this” due to the preoccupation of our parents on themselves. As soon as someone brings up our struggle or our hard times, our parents say “What about us?” Sure they matter too but it’s the fact that they only see themselves.

WE MATTER TOO. And now, it’s too late.


  1. I don’t know how else to put this but some people will have kids, because they want someone in their life that will unconditionally love THEM. They will even say it…”I am so glad I have my little girl/boy, because no one else loves me.” When a parent relies on a child to fill that void in their life, it can be catastophic for the child as that is a lot of responsibility. And frankly, it is not the childs responsiblity to fulfill those needs….THE PARENT IS TO BE THERE TO FULFILL THOSE NEEDS FOR THE CHILD. PERIOD.

    Your wedding is your and J’s day. Think through thoroughly the choices that you are making, plan accordingly and don’t let anyone bulldoze you into making different choices. I have come to know you as a very conscientious person of how other people are feeling, thinking, etc. And you don’t want to upset anyone and are always concerned with how to handle a situation for all parties involved. That is wonderful that you are like that, but you can’t be like that with those who have not earned it, or bring you down with their behaviors and lack of consideration for you and J. If you try to please everyone, think that you have to please everyone, or are worried about what other people are saying about you…it is going to take away from the beauty of planning your wedding. And the start of that chapter in your life where you become Mrs. Goodfellow. 🙂

    I know that you love your parents because I can hear it in your words. You don’t necessarily blame them, you have empathy, and you personally know what it is like to deal with mental health issues…you just want to see accountability. You and I have to hold ourselves accountable right?? We could pry easily say that we have to work pretty darn hard to stay healthy and be accountable. I know I do. I expect the same from my loved ones. I just want to share a little thing that I learned over the years. While some parents can’t wait to have their kids go out on their own into the world…OTHERS CAN’T TAKE THE REQUIRED STEPS TO CHANGE ROLES. As a child’s life changes when they become an adult, a parents role changes. The parents role changes again when their childen have children. I, myself, had to ‘shift’ roles when I became a wife, than again when I became a mother, than again when I became a stay at home mom about a year ago. The transition to motherhood, which came first, was easy for me and came natural. The shift to wife…I am still working on that 🙂 Being a stay at home mom is a blessing I am very grateful for…but I really had to work hard on almost completely changing my lifestyle, which in turn kind of messed with my identity…thankfully in a good way…and I have to stick to a strict schedule. I HAVE TO MAKE MYSELF ACCOUNTABLE TO ME!!! So that I can stay mentally healthy. I am sure you know that is not always easy.

    My dad messed me up as a kid and my mother-in-law was an absolute nightmare for about 6 years. I worked through the stuff with my mother-in-law, but has taken a long time. We get along pretty good anymore, but she can still trigger me and I have to be careful. I am thankful my husband is supportive. It took him to see things for himself, and over time, she could see that we were a family unit seperate from them and that she needed to stop interfering.

    My dad will always be my dad, love him, and I know he did nothing on purpose to hurt me. Having my own children, I understand why he did some of the things he did and I can reflect on that. But we will never have closure, at least I don’t rely on that happening, for the rage and terrible outbursts that transpired for no reason other than that he was tired from work. I put up with them until a year ago, I said my peace, and our relationship will never be the same. But I do know he loves me, that is what God asks for parents to do, and we forgive the trangressions. That is how I cope with those things so that I remember to not blame myself 🙂 For the years that I retaliated by an absolute out of control young adult.

    I have enjoyed your last several blogs, but just haven’t had opportunity to comment. I know what I have wrote here does not all go together with this blog’s topic…but I just really wanted to share. I have enjoyed getting to know you and I am super happy for you and J. Marriage is the hardest thing you do in life, but at the end of the day, the most rewarding. I wish you the best….take your happy friends with you to do your wedding ‘errands’, involve parents where you think it is appropriate, and avoid toxic people and situations as much as possible. Planning a wedding usually is very stressful. Haven’t talked to many brides that say different, so take care of yourself….you don’t want J to marry a bridezilla do ya? LOL 🙂 🙂 This is a time when you get to be selfish, along with J, and NOT FEEL GUILTY OR PUNISH YOURSELF FOR IT!!
    I don’t know what your traditions are, but where I live, most of the brides sit at the head table with groom and wedding party. Just sayin’ 🙂

    Many Blessings,
    Tammy Koley

  2. Although I recognise their effect on you, I can nonetheless understand some of your Dad’s issues; he’s ill. But your mother – well, I don’t know how you didn’t batter her face in. You’d think she’d be grateful for all the concessions you’ve made to both of them, all the care-taking you’ve done for them, all the premature growing-up you had to do as a child. If she has her own issues, fine – but that’s not your problem. She should be both grateful to and proud of you.

    So, easy for me to say I know, but it’s time to put yourself first. Don’t let her bully you about the wedding arrangements; as you say, it’s about you and J, not her. Do it how you want it, and if she doesn’t like it, then sod her.

    Sorry to be so direct, but I’m angry with her after reading this 😦

    *many hugs* and much love

    Pan xxx

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