One little word. -ABUSE TRIGGER-

January 31, 2011


As I looked at the paper I started to cry.


I had been looking for my birth certificate when I found a black folder, it wasn’t marked and has a mr men sticker on the front so I thought “maybe this is mine.” I opened it to find quite a lot of documents, I didn’t understand what they were so I skimmed through, I found a piece of paper with my dad’s writing scribbled in capitals across it, the words said “ADOPTED SON”, “BANANAMAN”, “THE TRUTH WILL OUT”, “PISS IN PAPE”, “I’M A JUNKIE I MUST GET OUT, THIS PLACE IS DANGEROUS.” then I realied, these were his psychiatric admission documents and he had scribbled all over them during a psychotic, possible manic episode. I was horrified that my mother had even kept them let alone put them at the top of a draw that also had my medical documents from my birth. The writing didn’t come to a shock so much because it was something I had seen as a child but two things triggered me. An envelope with my writing on that said “SAY SORRY” my dad had crossed out “SAY” and written “I’M” in it’s place. I remember telling him to apologise for screaming at me one day and then within a millisecond having no recollection of ever doing so.

The second was 1 word that caught my eye as a flick through to figure out what they were. “Abused”, I stopped in horror then out of horrid curiousity read something that cut right through me. I cannot for his sake say what it said but it was something that made me very fearful, I needed to call up his sister and find out the truth. Crying I called her and told her what I had read and she reassured me that many awful things had happened, that it was true but it had been blown out of proportion by the health services. She knew because she was there and I needed her to tell me herself. I want to unread the words that I have read so I can feel normal again, not confused and hurt. I feel more comfort knowing that my aunt has reassured me of the events being of lesser pain than they made out but it’s something that I know will niggle at my mind until I can forget.

My family have suffered so many horrible horrible things, what did we ever do to deserve this?


  1. I am so sorry you read these disturbing things and that you went through all that you did in the past with you father’s mental illness and all. It must’ve caused both of you a lot of pain. My heart goes out to you.

  2. How dreadful honey – I’m so sorry 😦 Sending you all massive hugs and love ❤ xxx

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