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Doomed before the beginning.

February 5, 2011

Do you ever feel like your background dooms you to a life of misery and failure?

In my family only one person (not including me) is in a happy relationship, however this is her second marriage. Not one person is my family has gotten it right first time and except this one person the rest are single and my parents are unhappily married. I feel like my relationship is doomed before we’re even married. With such an unhappy family and with the issues running throughout, I feel like my happiness is only an illusion to keep me going and that something has got to kill us before we get too happy. The fact that the majority of my family are over 50 and single and never had any parteners in the last 18 years makes me wonder what the future holds for me. I often wonder if I mistake my severe neediness for love which results in panic attacks due to the thought of not actually being able to love how normal people do. I then feel severe guilt for stringing J along because I don’t really know how to love. These awful thoughts and panic attacks really mess with our relationship and with my head. I love J. But my head doesn’t want me to, my head wants me to be alone so I don’t have to ever have conflict or become an independent adult in the outside world. My head wants me to hide away and be alone. My heart wants to marry J and start a new life and leave the past behind.

The problem is following my heart over my head. Because every now and then my head wants me dead.

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2 comments

  1. I totally get where you’re coming from, but remember that as well as being in love, you are both very mature and realistic. Neither of you are going into marriage blindly like so many people do. You know there will be downs as well as ups; you know there are times you’ll despair, and wonder why you bothered. You recognise your limitations and each others’ vices. And, at the end of the day, your love is real, and strong.

    If any couple can make it work, it’s you two 🙂

    ❤ xxx


  2. Thank you lovely 🙂 Borderline emotions just seem to smack me in the face and leave me confused and chaotic, the times I’ve broken up with J over these panic attacks have lead me to just say that in those times I’m not rational so I shouldn’t just impulsively say it’s over and then think “what have I done?!” I should just ride it out until I feel more rational, it’s bloody hard! xxx



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