Self Abuse?- J

February 15, 2011

No it’s not as bad as you think and I doubt this post will contain any particularly strong triggers but there’s always a possibility, so, be warned.

The problem is it IS relatively mild and I ENJOY doing it.

What? You may ask?

Staying up late.

Ha! Big whoop! You can stay up late! Get you!

Yes…. get me…

You could probably find me online, on my own, in the dark until around half 2 every morning. The exceptions being weekends where I’m generally with my dear fiancée and hence sleep like a baby.

The problem is, I just don’t like going to sleep at home, I never really feel like it (other than perhaps coming home early and attempting to catch up during the day) and all that happens when it gets late at night is – life gets easier. For me, at least. The reason being when it gets late, my family goes to sleep and when they go to sleep, they stop shouting. Usually.

My dear brother and father have a strong tendency to snore they stupid fat heads off resulting in a very difficult, stressful environment for sleeping. Even if I fall asleep listening to my mp3, everytime someone opens my bedroom door (which I share with said little brother,) it bangs, makes  a nice loud scraping noise and shakes the bed. Then the shouting begins; again.

I absolutely LOATHE being woken by shouting, the sad truth being I’m almost always woken by it. So, if I stay up a good 4/5 hours more than I should resulting in a good 4/5 hours of sleep. Far from ideal, really. Yet the gain from what IS essentially self abuse is a certain sense of calm, **it don’t matter when you’re tired because you’re tired. The day and it’s events seem further away and hence, easier to deal with. Not to mention I get a good 4/5 hours to myself where I can just relax and do what I want be it work/watching videos/playing games – anything. Sure it’s dark and it’s colder at night but that is no different from during the day for me (except in summer, when I cannot see any sort of computer screen for the life of me,) and the only prominent difference is the lack of other, stupid, pathetic, ignorant people that’re constantly shouting their dull, simple minds to oblivion.
Part 1 – fin

Part 2 –

Well the other side of the coin is anger. Or to be precise – NOT anger.

Not being angry/refusing to acknowledge anger when one clearly has reason to be so, isn’t healthy.

Yes it is polite, yes it may be socially appropriate – but those of us that are tired of fighting back or have never fought back to begin with, will eventually get to the stage where anger simply doesn’t exist to them. It just becomes frustration that is bottled and packaged away and sent ever deeper where it can do no ‘harm’.

Yet another sad truth of life is; that it does. It causes harm where you Don’t expect it to be, where you didn’t anticipate. Sure it’s obvious that you’re not in the mood, you’re angry and you’re going to find some poor undeserving soul to dish it out on.

I’m at the point where I realise now how ‘easy’ it is to not get angry when I should simply because I’m too tired to. ‘Tis also know that I realise: this must be one of the main reasons behind bullying. Misplaced anger. I’ve seen how much angrier and just filled with ugly sharp spitefulness against all those around me I have become, especially those who think they’re ‘better’ than me. Yet I realise that ‘better’ is merely a subjective point of view and can easily be misunderstood or misinterpreted but the point is that’s not going to matter when you’re angry. When you’re angry you deserve, nay, you NEED someone to hear you because if you don’t release that anger by your extraordinary exercise of  willpower then you will explode. Anger is a ticking time bomb and the more you ignore it the more explosive and damaging it becomes.

So, instead of releasing my anger I just ignore the shouting, I ignore and try to get past the ignorance and I stay up late to slowly, peacefully mull things over and just have time to myself.
Yet people won’t recognise it, people won’t see that  I’m deliberately staying up late because it makes me happy and they simply see it as me not caring or not trying. Sure I’m not angry and not bothered to stand up for myself so clearly I must just be lazy because I don’t ‘seem’ angry or upset at all.

Here’s the point where I step back and like to imagine just snapping, grabbing a knife or just anything that would make a nice thudding or slicing noise and just take away the lives of those most troublesome people the way they’ve taken away the functionality and enjoyment of so much of mine.

People are ignorant, about self abuse and the reasons behind it and so many other things in life including bullying. I don’t know about you but I was bullied in school, sure it wasn’t that ‘much’ I guess but it was for an extended period of my time and when you’re young it means the whole world. Even when you’re older, it the consequences of which are devastating and even you may not understand the full effects of it.

I’m not saying bullying is good, I’m saying look at those who do it, they’re usually overweight, have terrible home lives with divorced parents and they usually look tired and poor and just not very nice. That’s because they’ve got issues to deal with and they’re misplacing their anger onto you. I’m not condoning what they do, whilst it is definitely guided and fuelled by the actions of others, the individual still has their freedom and right to choose no matter what.

My bullying stopped because I chose to fight against it, I released some of my anger back towards them so that they would leave me and my friend alone – and they did but not without loss on my part, it was a botched series of actions that eventually culminated in an event which sorted that little problem indefinitely.

That’s what I advise anyone who’s ever suffered or continues to suffer for bullying, realise that they have their reasons to bully just as you have your own reasons not to. Do something nice for them, be the best person you can be and in spite of all their horrid actions, be nice to them. There’s always the possibility that your entirely unwarranted kindness may provoke a change of heart in them but do NOT let them walk over you. Defend yourself or you will suffer far greater consequences for being the passive, albeit better person.

Self abuse is caused by abuse from others, usually largely unintentional or unnoticed resulting in the abusee believing they’re to blame, that it’s their fault and then blaming themselves for what is essentially the actions of others.

I know I am an incredibly angry person and woe to anyone who ever truly angers me. If anyone has any good solutions/tactics/strategies for dealing with anger please share them. I’m sure I’m not the only one who could use them.

In the meantime I guess I’ll just keep trying to not stay up quite so late and keep searching for ways to express my anger, whilst trying not to let others just take control and walk over me and somehow managing to get up the courage to fight back for just that bit longer.

In the grand scheme of things, it’ll all be over soon, I hope.

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