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Such a Loser.

February 15, 2011

One of my biggest problems is self image, I was so beaten down in the past about my looks and in general the person that I am. This makes me feel like I’m not allowed to do things that other people are allowed to do because if I do it then immediately that thing is made “uncool”.

This has come about today with getting my second tattoo, my self esteem is in the ground so when they’re nice to me at the tattoo parlour sometimes I think they’re secretly laughing at me for wanting something they consider interesting and “cool”. I reckon they think I’m just a wannabe. I still feel like that ugly overweight, young teen who was hated for who she was and how she looked. This is why I’d never go back to education, she rears her ugly head moreso when with large groups of people my own age. I suddenly feel innadequate and stupid and unworthy, even though they may not treat me any different.

I don’t know how to shake the feeling of such hatred towards myself, I want to feel accepted by others of course but I don’t know how to accept myself and that’s a big issue. I don’t know how to be happy with who I am. If I’m asked about my tattoo or my wedding I shrink because I fear judgement and conflict, I start to change the subject or just smile politely and pretend I’m busy. Why can’t I just be proud of me?

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2 comments

  1. I can relate to the very same feeling.


  2. I’m proud of you. ❤



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