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Being a little girl again.

February 24, 2011

I wasn’t sure what to write but I felt like I should as I haven’t in a little while. I don’t want to keep talking about J so much because I don’t want people to get sick of hearing about him and how sickeningly in love I am with the fool but bear with me today please 😉

As it’s half term we’ve been spending a lot of time together, I stayed over his for a couple of nights and during that stay I got tonsillitis. Now, If I were home I would have carried on with my day and just moped a little maybe told my parents I wasn’t feeling well so they might notice my existance. But what I notice when I’m with J is that suddenly my illness because a HUGE thing, I cry, I demand attention and I want to be looked after 24/7. It’s like I turn into a little girl, who when she is ill, wants her caregiver and so will cling and cry and take all she can in love and care. It feels really good.

I was able to feel how I wanted to feel, I was allowed to be ill without it being inconvinient for everyone else. As a positive, I was finally able to receive the attention and care that I deserved that I knew I wouldn’t have gotten elsewhere.

As a negative, I subconsciously recognise that being ill means I get love and care resulting in my enjoyment of illness. I like causing a fuss when I’m ill, I want to be noticed, I want some bloody sympathy. I never ever got any sympathy for being ill as a child from my parents so now I crave it. Sometimes I do things without realising, If I accidentally hit my arm, I’ll shout “OUCH!” and get teary and J will comfort me and hold me and then I suddenly realise, that didn’t even hurt, what’s going on? It’s like this inner child is trying to get her well deserved care.

I feel pathetic when I act like my pain or illness is bigger than it is, but when he’s there, it’s like it becomes more because someone will actually care now. My illness matters.

We’re both lacking a lot and as a result we are each others parents. It feels natural for us to ask each others advice on everything and ask each others permission on everything. I need to know that what I am doing is accepted as okay so I can feel good and confident about myself.

Sometimes we even talk to each other in the kind of voice you use with a baby or small child, it’s like some kind of child comfort, we nurtures each others inner children. Hopefully the positives of that can outweigh the negatives.

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4 comments

  1. Your last paragraph grasps some behaviour that A and I engage in too, so I don’t think it’s particularly abnormal. Well, actually, I’m not a good yardstick by which to measure yourself, but you know what I mean 😉

    I can completely relate to the ‘being sick’ thing. To be fair, my mother (unlike yours, sadly) was good when I was ill as a child, but nonetheless, your words resonate. IBS and migraines excepted, I haven’t been really physically ill for about three years now, but I’m sure it could happen again at the next bout of ‘flu or tonsilitis.

    My view on this one is that that whilst it probably does have something to do with your early life and illness, that in some ways it’s not that abnormal. I remember a few years back that A and I got really bad cases of the ‘flu at the same time; although we were both miserable, even he enjoyed what little nurturing I could give him, and aside from the odd bout of mild depression and putting up with me for eight years, as far as he and I both know, he’s perfectly sane 🙂

    Love and stuff ❤ xxx


  2. I am glad you can finally get the love and care you deserve. I think it is totally understandable that you wanna kind of “absorb” all the love and kindness that J shows you when you are ill or hurt. You lacked it as a child so you are making up for it now because it feels nice. It sounds like its pretty mutual aswell so i see nothing wrong with it personally. Like Pan, my mum was good when i was ill, and through all his faults, so was my dad actually (cant say the same now though!) and it was nice lapping the attention and love up because it helps you to feel better. Just because you’re older now, it doesnt mean you cant still lap it up if it makes you feel good and you arent doing anybody any harm!

    But nonetheless, i hope you start to feel better soon!
    xx


  3. Who you callin’ a fool dollface?



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