The last week.

May 27, 2011

I have no energy to do anything. The smallest thing just seem likes the biggest chore and can even bring me to tears. I’m not sure what’s happening to me or what will happen to me. I have my last session with Dr L next week, I asked her if I could finish last Wednesday but she said my session is still there for me and she wouldn’t take my session away. So it looks like I’m going. I struggled to deal with my second last session, all I kept saying in my head was “please don’t leave me, please please don’t leave me.” I couldn’t bear it and I don’t know how I’m supposed to deal with next week, Dr L is leaving me, forever. I had to explain to her that if she gone then I have to forget she exists otherwise it hurts too much. She mentioned maybe seeing me again in a couple of month for a one off session and I threw it back in her face of course, I can’t go through losing her twice. I think the worst thing about next week will be when I walk out of those doors and I know I’m not allowed to hug her goodbye. When someone leaves, it feels like they die, I go into mourning. Whenever my mum would leave I pretended she didn’t exist because then she wasn’t abandoning me because she didn’t exist and this has become my defence mechanism since. Not a good one as it happens when people leave for short periods of time too, sometimes I forget they exist so if they haven’t spoken to me for a while then I can’t be hurt. Although this means that I’m not good at keeping in contact with friends because I’m too bust trying to defend myself and forcing myself to forget them while trying to remember them so I don’t genuinely lose them. Dr L understands that If we’re going to finish our sessions now, I can’t have one random session in a month and then leave it because it’d just be a mess, I’d turn up and probably just spend the whole time telling her how mad I am at her for leaving me and then forcing me to relive the abandonment again by having to see her one last time (again). I think it’s best to leave it next Wednesday. It’s best to just end it and I can mourne her for however long feels right and then forget she ever existed. I know she may worry that this ending may make me worse and to be honest It will probably leave me reluctant to have any other treatment as she said the only way I will get the treatment I need is to pay for it as no one is going to give me long term treatment on the NHS (pile ofs**t), It’s a disgrace really. This kind of “treatment” makes people with personality disorders WORSE not better because they get so far and oops NHS won’t give you anymore treatment and suddenly you’re abandoned in the middle of a potential break-through and you don’t know what to do about it because there isn’t really much you can do other than try and fix yourself. Or lock yourself away and cry? What do you do when someone tells you “you need long term treatment but no one can offer it and you sure as hell can’t afford it”, do you give up? Do you sell yourself to fund said treatment? What the hell do you do?

Just, please don’t leave me.


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