Uncomfortably pretty.

July 2, 2011

As a child, I was never really that pretty, I was made fun of for being quite unattractive actually. I know that I have gotten prettier as I’ve gotten older but there are just times where feeling attractive makes me uncomfortable. I started growing my hair longer recently and I looked more feminine and pretty and it just didn’t feel right. Feeling attractive made me almost angry, I wasn’t me anymore. So I chopped off my hair and feel more like me. But now I feel less feminine and consequently less attractive. It reminds me of the video “fucking perfect” by Pink, where the girl is constantly trying to be what is widely thought as pretty but in the end realizes she has her own way of being pretty, her own identity. I just wish I could achieve this but having identity confusion means I’m changing styles all the time. One minute, I like one thing and the next I like the complete opposite. I can’t just feel like, well…me. Some things look so great on someone and it seems like If I try that look I just look stupid. Because I spend about 99% of my time with my husband I’ve become more of a tomboy than a girly girl yet I still feel I need to look feminine to be pretty. But to be feminine I can’t have my figure. I feel to be feminine I need to have a fragile, dainty body and walk with elegance. I’m short and stumpy with tiny hands and feet. I might as well be a hobbit. I just want to feel comfortable within my skin. I CAN look in the mirror and think I look nice but it doesn’t mean I feel comfortable because I’m not sure who is in the mirror. But maybe that’s a good thing?

It’s so hard to embrace a new face and body when you’re still stuck in the ugly duckling mind. If I walk out of the door thinking I look nice, I feel confident. But then if i see a girl who looks pretty, I feel ugly and embarrassed and want to change my clothes and cut my hair. I recognize my large nose and big front teeth and it’s like a transform into an ogre. I feel like I’m not allowed to look nice. Sometimes I don’t feel the need, I guess. My husband would call me beautiful whether I was wearing a glitzy dress or a huge shirt. Sometimes I dress up and when I look in the mirror, I see a frightened little girl, playing dress up and not getting anywhere near beautiful.


One comment

  1. I think you are beautiful Simone! But I can relate to that confusing feeling of how you look, how if you change it will change how you feel. Will help you with your identity. Will help you feel more secure. I always felt if my hair was longer I was more feminine. If I wore more girly clothes I would ‘fit in’ better with masses. There just came a time when I finally realized that I was going to wear my hair the way that I wanted and wear my comfy clothes….because if I was comfortable, that eventually brought confidence.Trying to look a certain way that just isn’t me, actually brings on more anxiety, because it feels fake. Just the other day I was with my kids, at the mall, and this girl walked by with a very cute outfit on, perfect hair, etc. I did for a slight second feel very homely in my work out shorts, tshirt and sneakers (my normal attire for summer, sweatpants, hoodie and fav stocking hat in the winter)…wondering if my children were ever embarressed of their plain ol’ mom….and than it hit me like a ton of bricks that it was my mind playing tricks on me. I am beautiful because of who I am, not what I look like, or what I am wearing. Most importantly, I know that I am loved no matter what my hair looks like or what clothes I decide to cover my body with. No matter what society my portray….we are not what we wear, how we wear our hair, etc. What is important is that you are who you are and become comfortable in your own skin and accept you are loved exactly how you are. And if and when you decide to change things up, like cut or color your hair…wear a dress (I am speaking of myself with that line, lol) etc….it doesn’t change who you/we are as people. We just so happen to feel like doing something different, no more than that. Because we know changing the outside, will not change the inside.

    Blessings to you Simone, just the way you are 🙂

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