August 17, 2011

I haven’t written in over a month. Sometimes I think that when I don’t write here it’s a good thing because it means I don’t have anything awful going on but that’s not the truth. I write less because I’m finding it hard to do anything anymore. It’s effort to admit how I feel. It’s difficult. I wish I was writing as much as I used to. I don’t really even have many people reading anymore, It feels like it’s dying out here.

Well my updates. Dad is in hospital, it’s been over a month. He lashed out at my husband and was very clearly manic weeks before but my words were nothing due to him behaving when around drs, crisis team etc. Me and my husband had to leave because I was too frightened to be there, the police escorted us out because I refused to go near him without police there. Even if he wasn’t a threat, my childhood trauma wouldn’t let me go near him. This is the worst he has been since I was 6, when it all began. All these years this has been my nightmare. Yes, he has been unwell since then but not manic. Not manic. Mania is the single most frightening thing I have experienced from my dad, it always ends involves psychosis and delusions.

We came home after we were told he was in hospital and an hour later we had a phonecall from the police saying he had dissapeared. Absolutely petrified I locked myself in the room and of course he came home. The police came to the house and refused to take him, I screamed at them that I couldn’t have him at home and he was supposed to be admitted and I was frightened for my wellbeing and they could do bugger all. I made them call the hospital and get the information they needed to take him and as usual the hospital were useless.

The police finally managed to ask him nicely if they could take him to the hospital, he agreed but we had to go too so he wouldn’t dissapear again. We got to the hospital and were told we had to wait for him to have an assesment. All the doors in psych wards are locked so we were literally locked in a reception room with my psychotic father. 2 hours passed and he wasn’t having any if it. He started smashing things up, screaming and urinating on the floor. I banged on the doors for help. No one came. Some doctors even just walked straight through and ignored us. Some said they would get someone and never came back.

We were at the hospital for 5 hours for an assessment to say he needed to be sectioned. In that time we could have been seriously hurt. Including my dad who was trying to smash the windows so he could “cut his wrists and bleed to death”.

Even the most stupid person could see that he was unwell. He believed he has shut down the news of the world single handedly and he claimed he had loads of corporations that could kill us all at the push of a button. He said he was a millionaire and had loads of women falling at his feet and would do anything for his money.

And then there’s my ignorant mother. Ignorant is a nice word to use. She knew/knows he is ill yet she believes every word he says. She doesn’t understand why he would lie. And to be fair he isn’t lying in his world but in the real world none of what he says is true. So everyday my mum comes into my room and says he’s coming home, setting panic in my heart for me to realise it’s him that says he’s coming home. So it’s not true. But in she comes everyday, “your dad says he’s paying off my debt with his money” “he’s coming home tonight” “he says I need to go and see him and bring him home”. And then there’s his demands. Before he went into hospital he bought every paper he could find because he thought they were worth millions. He gave me and my aunt a stack of papers and said to take them home because he needed to keep them all, we just binned them on the way home. It sounds nasty, I know but at the time he didn’t remember one minute to another so he wouldn’t even know he gave them to us. So he calls mum up. “Your dad said he needs some newspapers and that I need to go and see him this evening”.

1. She doesn’t like him. She doesn’t give a damn about him.
2. She is too stupid to realise that he doesn’t need those things because he is fed at the hospital and the more she goes the more he thinks that she wants him again.
3. She said she is only doing all this because if she doesn’t he will go even more crazy.

So basically I have to deal with dad being in hospital, being frightened of him AND to top it off having a (excuse me) fuckwit mother.

I’ve visited him about 4 or 5 times in the past month even though the bloody hospital is 2 hours away (I don’t drive) and he’s started calling everyday crying and saying I have to visit him every night and if I refuse he gets nasty. I asked them to stop him calling me so he found a mobile phone and called the house saying I can get out of his life and get out of the house if I won’t be at his constant beck and call.

Yes it’s nasty him being in hospital but it’s the first break I’ve had from being emotional stressed out from him and being made to do EVERYTHING for him in I don’t know how many years. It’s nice him being away. And plenty of other people visit. I need a break and I get abuse for it.



  1. Blimey. No wonder you’ve not posted in a while. I haven’t been manic like that for about 10 years, when I believed that some gave me a sign that proved I was able to unlock the secret of good and evil. Paranoia and delusions abounded until I came round in hospital sky high on haloperidol and unable to walk across the room unaided. I only remember these things because people told me what I was saying and doing.

    I totally sympathise with your predicament and I don’t think you are selfish or nasty for wanting a break from your Dad. He’s behaving like a controlling pest, and is better off levelling out inside than anywhere near you.

    As to your Mum, she’s in what sounds like a very codependent relationship. Is she a bit mental too? Would’t be a surprise if she was after years of living with that dynamic with your Dad.

    I know this will probably make your issues with abandonment scream out, but you and your husband might have to move away to have a good life and marriage where YOU can control the influence both your parents have upon you. I’ve read your posts a lot, and even when he is relatively stable, you care for him. You didn’t marry your Dad: your Mum did, and if things fall apart between them when you aren’t there to fetch and carry him emotionally, then frankly, at least they will both have some bloomin truth between them, instead of you taking these direct physical and psychological hits. With distance comes perspective that you really need to feel that you are a person in your own right.

    On the other hand this all plays into your inbuilt need to help your Dad no matter what. Interesting that since you married and became more independent that yoyr Dad starts being ill again. It must upset him.to know that your attention has to focus upon you being an adult and a wife for the first time and not just.his little girl…. And you say he expressed.violence towards your husband? Very interesting how things happen together…

    Main thing is that you are safe with your husband. I’m so sorry for you: it must tear at you to witness this all, especially with your own history of mental illness. What does yoyr husband think of it all?

    You are so brave.


    • Thank you so much. My husband has been very very angry at both of my parents at the way I have been treated through all of this. We are awaiting his exam results before we can move so we know that he has a place as university so thats the only reason we are still here. And yes my mum is unwell. She has the mind of a child and I believe a personaloty disorder too but thats my own thoughts.

  2. That’s ridiculous the hospital just left you all in a locked room with your father so ill and he had to wait five hours to be assessed. It’s no wonder you’re relieved he’s in hospital with all that you’ve had to deal with, I imagine anyone would be rather relieved to have a break from it. x

  3. you are NOT selfish – your father has been removed to a place of safety [sic] and you now have the space to be yourself, be with your husband – suggest you maintain the separation and only re-engage with your father and mother when you are strong enough to maintain your selfness. you are not responsible for your parents and their inabilities to cope with the world – I bet part of any abuse directed stems from his fears that you will manage to do without him and his craziness?

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