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Self pity.

August 28, 2011

I’m not usually this bad. I simply have to turn the TV on now and I started crying. I watched the simpsons and Homer told Lisa he loved her and I started crying so I turned over to supernanny and the mother was playing happily with her children and I started crying so I turned over to X factor (as a last resort) and the singer was getting praise from the judges and his family and himself were so happy with his achievement so I just turned the bloody thing off. Everything was reducing me to tears. Everything is such a mess. Yes I may be getting away from it all but I’m leaving behind a hospitalised father and a mother who I suspect has autism. She doesn’t recognise that I have ever done anything to make her life any better, although I have been dad’s carer all my life and slept in the same bed with her for 5 years of my late childhood because she said if I didn’t dad would rape her. I’m leaving and all she can do is tell me how useless I am. I’m trying to think of moving forward and starting the new but seeing what a mess my parents are in tears me apart. I don’t feel guilt, I just feel shame and pity. Most teens moving out of home have parental support, while I’m still crying over the fact that my dad can’t even see me off into a new life because he’s in the psych ward. What a way to leave. I’ve always hated the expression “why me?” because the people who use it are often getting upset over a tiny matter in their otherwise okay life but I’m going to say it…Why me? I’m a good person. I don’t know what I did to make all of this happen.

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6 comments

  1. It seems like you’ve got an awful lot to feel sad about. Your situation at home now and from your childhood sound unbelievably difficult. It’s a wonder you survived at all in tact. I think there’s a difference between self pity and taking a moment or two to really feel the grief and sadness attached to our lost childhoods. We can’t loiter there for too long else we become bitter, but taking time to acknowledge the pain we’ve lived through is important sometimes. And btw I cried at Xfactor and Celebrity Big Brother (far more shaming that one!) last night and a song yesterday afternoon so I’m clearly going through some ‘stuff’ too at the moment. I wish you all the best


    • Thank you for your comment, it helps to know I’m not to only one who cries over silly things!


  2. Do yourself a huge favour love: remember that your nature (the bit that is your spirit and yours alone) is not necessarily your nurture. This is what has made it possible for you to fall in love, marry and start a committed life to someone who is not your parent. Leave with the knowledge that you did more than was expected by any rational person, and that you did these things out of love, deep down. And that’s enough now. You have to now learn, hook and crook to nourish and nurture yourself. You can’t change your parents: they are on their own journey, and have to decide (even mentalists have this choice) to change themselves for good or not. They are, despite the mindbending role reversals you’ve grown up with, adults – and so are you. Your marriage is an expression of your deepest desire to do things differently, so by all means pity your mother and father, but don’t let this hold you back from your own right to happiness. Ask yourself: why, if your mother was abused to that extent by your father, did she never successfully leave him and take you with her? Likely because she has an appaling lack of self confidence and worth, to the extent that she couldn’t see the hideous effect it would have upon you. and because she used you like a shield all those years, she didn’t have to make a decision. If you aren’t there now, things will decide themselves. If your mum puts up with your dad’s behaviours, that’s her decision. If she doesn’t it’s her decision. But one thing is certain: it should not be and never should have been made into yoyr responsibility. After all: if yoyr husband raped you, I would hope you would leave him!

    It is sad to leave your dad behind. I’m truly sorry for YOU. On the other hand, I think you see the conspicuous timing of his illness and your marriage quite clearly. He’s reacting badly to a normal, wonderful and healthy event in his daughter’s life because there are bounderies that have disappeared, and new ones in different places. You have grown too tall for him to control anymore. Of course, he is a.very sick man in this state: that is very distressing for you and all concerned. But that is HIS life, and he will recover. Then he will have choices to make…

    Let them go honey: let them.get on and recede into the background a bit for now, and concentrate on your lovely husband who loves you to bits; take that into yoyr heart and learn to see that as a reflection of the person he married. Loving, kind, fabulous, intelligent, self aware, brave… List goes on and on.

    Lots of hugs: you can do this!

    X C


    • I can’t thank you enough. I really appreciate this, I’ve known from the beginning It’d be difficult to leave them behind but I didn’t expect them both to get worse just before I do! I am very excited to start again and I have even considered that I may need to break contact just for a little while so I can learn to be ME. Not their creation but me and I’m not getting this far to give up 🙂


  3. Nothing more to add to what Clarissa’s already said, except that what you describe happens to me a lot. You have the ‘excuse’ (read: legitimate reason) of a lot of upheaval in your life at the minute – all I do all day is sit here and type onto this bloody laptop, so..!

    Seriously, I don’t think it’s odd at all. This is A Big Deal, and you’re expressing it in the best way your mind presently can.

    I like who you are already, just so you know – but DO learn to be you, hun, if you feel you need to take that time. With every respect to your parents, you’re entitled to your own life now.

    Lots of hugs

    Pan xxx


  4. I think that people like me have difficulty expressing myself. There is a backlog of 24 years that I haven;t talked about to anyone. So now I am reduced to searching the internet for people who might feel something close to what I feel.
    I pity my parents. My dad, was not a good father. He is mentally not well now. When he was, he was a terrible dad. My mom, used to physically abuse me. There is so much behind these few sentences, but I cannot verbalize what I want to tell.
    I think both my parents are good people. They had been dealt with pretty shitty life. They made mistakes. They harmed me, tortured me physically(mom) and mentally(mom and dad).
    How I wish I could simply hate them. I can’t. Trouble is, I understand their troubles. I understand how my dad’s family made him the way he is.I understand how my mom was alone and had everything on her shoulders.
    Pitying your parents is a horrible feeling.
    I am sure I do not understand your troubles. But thanks for sharing this with us. I hope that you lead a good life and have the strength to deal with the crap life has to offer. Hopefully, we will eventually be happy someday.



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