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Change

September 21, 2011

I can’t handle change. I panic, get scared and want to go back to what I’m used to. I’m glad I moved but at the same time I constantly wish things could have gone how I planned. I plan out my whole life so I know what’s going to be happening throughout all of it, so I don’t have to worry.

My plan was, school, Uni, Marriage and kids and that was about it. Simple, easy, very very safe. As it hasn’t worked out exactly this way it means that I feel everything has gone the wrong order, the wrong way round and I want to fix it. But I can’t. I left school, the thought of moving forward into university and having to cope alone and do everything independently panicked me so much that I ran. If I continued with school I would be expected to choose my university and make those decisions. It felt all too fast for me. I couldn’t cope with those expectations. So I just left and hid. Then I thought that maybe if I plan out a path now, instead of feeling rushed I would be okay. So I decided to go to college to do health and social care with the intention of going into mental health care. But then the work was too easy, they asked me why I was even at college with the grades that I had gotten. It was all wrong. All the work was so independent, there was almost no teaching and all of it was from books. I want to be taught but everyone wanted to slack. It felt like there was no control, everyone just did what ever they wanted and I think that’s one of the worst things about college and one of my biggest fears about university. It’s not very controlled, it’s very independent. I had to do a placement and they asked me to choose a placement for myself, meaning I’d have to find somewhere for myself with no help. It caused so much panic for me and so I ran away again. I went into college everyday crying. It was a whole classroom full of girls so everyone made groups very quickly and the I didn’t feel like I fit in anywhere. All they wanted to talk about was drinking and boys. I’ve never been someone to squeal about boys. I like someone and keep it to myself and respect them instead of screaming about how “fit” he is.. And it didn’t help that I don’t drink alcohol. But anyway I’m moving away from the point. Everything was moving too fast in school for me and college was awful.

So I left. Feeling like a complete failure because I couldn’t even make it through simple college. I just need to do things at my own pace but nowadays there seems to be a pace made for people and you have to do it their way or you get left behind. I SHOULD have just completed my first year of Uni and be starting my second in a week. I SHOULDN’T be married. I SHOULD have had a part time job by now to pay for living. I SHOULDN’T have moved with my husband so he can study without knowing what I’m doing.

This causes so many problems because I did want to get married and I did want to move but I keep thinking what I should have done. What I was supposed to do. What is expected of me. When I can finally just let go and go with what happens in my life without thinking what would have been the ideal situation maybe I can start to live happily instead of feeling like I’ve failed. I feel like I took the easy way out, I failed at studying so I skipped that step ans got married because well, it was the next step. But now If I think about studying again I don’t know what to do because I can’t change the order of things. It’s more difficult that way. Stepping out of the general order of things makes me panic. The most ideal thing for me would be to do distanced studying because then I can do things in my own time but there is no way to afford the cost. Plus, I won’t get forced into university if I don’t feel ready for it. I can just do a course and feel achieved without having to feel obliged to further it before I’m ready. J also knows how bad I am at committing myself to things and following them through so he worries about us losing money in education because I may drop out. But what else can I do? I want to study at home. I do. But all this change feels so frightening.

But then I feel that If I do nothing then I will be looked down on for not doing anything with my life. If I study then family will at least feel like I’m doing something and won’t judge me. They don’t understand why I can’t just live a normal life, why I can’t just go out and get a job or just simply walk out of the door and go to University to be with all the other people my age who I am completely terrified of and feel completely out of place with. They don’t understand why I am different. They don’t understand why I don’t want to get drunk or go clubbing. It’s like they don’t know me. I wish they would accept me instead of asking why I am not like everyone else. Maybe then I would feel more comfortable in my own skin. I would rather stay home and write or paint, feel safe and just be able to create on my own. But then I’m told I’m wrong for that. Everything I do, I’m told I’m wrong. So what can I do that is right?

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3 comments

  1. …. ‘I just need to do things at my own pace but nowadays there seems to be a pace made for people and you have to do it their way or you get left behind’.
    I totally relate to that! Even though it’s easier said than done, (and I’m very guilty of judging myself by what progress other people have made by my age etc etc) I think in moments when we feel stronger we have to just take a deep breath and say Screw it, i’m doing what feels like the right thing, right pace for me – and more importantly I have a RIGHT to do it this way. There’ll be moments that the old panic sets in, but practising believing in this hopefully can help us to get out of that panic sooner. I’m in the midst of a bit of a panic about what i’m ‘supposed’ to be doing at the moment too. And then i think, i’ve only got this one life, why SHOULD I spend it living by what others do and sometimes expect? I need to stop putting this pressure on myself.
    Hoping things work out in the best way for you hun xx


    • Thank you. Everyone needs a different pace, especially those with mental health problems, we need a slower pace so we have time to deal with our problems at the same time! Xx


  2. I can relate to this as I have similar anxieties. I never had a ‘plan’ for what I wanted to do with my life per se but I often feel a failure that I didn’t go the ‘conventional’ route to University and subsequently this makes me a failure, despite the fact I have a postgraduate qualification and am now studying with the OU for a degree in Physics. I STILL feel like a failure, probably because I’m such a perfectionist and other people have made me feel like whatever I do I’ll always be a failure.

    Ideally, like you, I’d love to just feel content with myself and not concern myself with the fact my ‘journey’ (in regards to educarion and other things) hasn’t been mainstream. I also don’t drink or socialise much and never have. I’m 22 now but even throughout my teenage years I didn’t do the things other people my age did because, well, partly because I was scared to leave the house but also because I just didn’t have any inclination to do it… my family and other people found this strange but it’s just me; hell, if we were all the same things would be pretty dull, eh?



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