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A special painting from the hospital.

September 24, 2011

I’ve moved house now. There’s not much to say about it other than it’s far from home but I thought It would explain why my mum was visiting me as it would get confusing if you still believed I lived at home.

Anyway, my mum visited me today. She gave me a painted picture, from dad. This is strange for a few reasons.

1. My dad hates art. He has always refused art therapy whenever he’s in hospital. It’s just something he’s not good at so he detests it.
2. It has strange writing on it. I can make out the words “To mr and mrs (our surname) 3 years…NERD…

Obviously referring to husband’s university course. He doesn’t call him a nerd in malice but in a joking way due to my husband’s love of computers. It’s a drawn picture of a house with blue and green paint just randomly splodged on it. It’s definitely by him. You know you can tell someone’s writing by the style, well it’s the same with drawing, I can tell he drew it. And I think in it’s own way, even though it’s a mess, It’s very special to me. You know when a child does you a picture and even though it’s splodges and mess, you know they’ve done it just for you and that’s why It means something. That’s how I feel. My dad is in hospital, he is vulnerable and he has taken the time to think of me and even to do something he doesn’t like for me.

On the other hand it scares me. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him this unwell, at least not for this length of time. Yes, he’s been unwell for about 4 years now but he’s been Okay. Art is something he doesn’t like and even when persuaded he won’t do it so the fact that he’s starting to like things that he otherwise hates is worrying. He is fascinated by colours right now because in Mania they are so bright and vibrant to him. He does become a different person when he is unwell. He won’t remember ever doing this picture for me. However, he seems so all there. He remembers I’m married, even though it’s recent. He knows I’ve moved yet he believes that he is rich and thinks he has gotten a divorce and is getting married to someone else. I don’t know where the line is drawn. I feel like his head blocks out the things he want to remember while creating a fantasy for the things he doesn’t. It makes me sad, it really hurts that he is in pain. He acts like he’s okay yet I know that in reality, in the real world, he is in pain. I don’t believe he will get well soon, maybe not even ever. I don’t know if he will ever be willing to accept how his life has ended up. It makes me wonder, will I ever get my dad back.

Thanks for the painting dad, I miss you.

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4 comments

  1. this was a beautiful post, thank you for writing it.


  2. I hear what your feel and how this makes the child within feel oreless in a big ocean. Your parents haven’t been able to care for you as parents should. What is this huge scary ocean they’ve left you in where you see them ditching and destroying their own ships?! What are you meant to interpret and learn from that when you see other parents carefully marshalling their children and showing them how to remain afloat in the roughest seas? Its an analogy that is very simple, but if you roll with it, you’ve done a life preserving thing by getting married: you’ve taught yoyrself to keep paddling and remain on course no matter what, and someone else has recognised that inherant stability and opted to set sail on life’s ocean with you. Please don’t let your parents drag you under with them. Be really careful not to allow them too close at the moment. On the other hand it is only natural for you to throw out a lifeline and offer your newfound stability as a life raft. Just please don’t get over turned in the process, no matter how much you’ve allowed it in the past. Your Dad is being cared for, and your mum is capable of caring for herself. Who’s caring for you though? You do – and more power to you. By all means be kind to your parents. But be careful too. Sometimes you have to be detatched from other peoples dramas and tempests to survive your own.

    Such an amazingly touching post. Thank you.

    X


  3. Well done for moving out at last: such a huge step, but you deserve to have your own space and build your own life. Congratulations – and don’t feel guilty. It’s NORMAL, and thats what you need right now. Normality.

    X



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