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A blog post about a blog post.

October 25, 2011

http://showard76.wordpress.com/2011/09/12/abandonment-and-the-borderline-personality/#comment-1522

Read this link. Just read it. This is it. The thing that makes everyday a f***ing emotional wreckage. No not the person writing the blog, or the blog post itself but everything it says. I am always saying to myself that all the bad things I do are because I’m just an evil bitch but then when other people write things like this I can’t deny this chaotic mess of a “mental illness” inside my stupid head. Denial helps me in a way because if It’s not an illness I can just simply change. But then if it is an illness then It’s going to be so deeply ingrained that I can’t just run away from it. I have been triggered but don’t want to worry the writer of the post. I’m just a little angry at myself for having this illness. It’s sad that I would rather be an evil person than suffer a mental illness, seems ironic that I try to be an advocate for mental illness doesn’t it? Judging it so.

As I read the post I just felt ever single emotion that comes with it. I could feel them in the middle of my chest making me angry for being that way. She mentions how she doesn’t experience this: ‘inability to allow their partner to have their own life and friends, a belief that healthy independence in their partner is a threat to them. ’ Whereas lucky me, I do. I really do. I mean I feel okay with J going to Uni 5 minutes down the road but I think one of the good things is that he isn’t really social. I couldn’t stand if he was out all the time with other people or out at night. Then when he’s home I expect him to be with me 100% of the time or I feel depressed and chaotic and feel like our marriage is ending. It’s no way to live but there is a fear of losing clingyness because if I’m not clingy he may try and stay away from me more and more until he’s never there and I won’t have control anymore. I like that he isn’t social because it does make things easier because I don’t have to experience the panic or fear so much but when he says someone has invited him somewhere, I get a lump in my throat and I don’t know what to do. If I persuade him not to go because he won’t like it then I’m trying to control him for my own selfish needs but then if I say for him to go I’m a good wife but then have to suffer in paranoia and anger and tears while he’s out and then when he gets home I’ll cry to him and make him feel bad for leaving me. So what can I do? Neither of us can win either way.

I find it hard that he doesn’t want to be with me sometimes because the only time I don’t want to be with him is if I’m upset with him (although deep down I want him there more when I’m angry at him, make no sense? Good.) I feel that he would much rather be with his online friends than me because they’re fun, he can enjoy their company without fear of an emotional outburst or an argument. It’s the only reason I started gaming because maybe he would like me more then. Spend more time with me. Ridiculous isn’t it a wife saying if she does something “maybe he’ll like me more” like we aren’t in a relationship or married.  Like I need to make him want me anymore, <sarcasm>I mean people don’t marry people they like do they</sarcasm>? It doesn’t make any sense! But to someone with BPD it makes perfect rational sense when in the heat of despair. If I allow him to be with people, he may enjoy it and it may increase and increase until I’m not there anymore. When he’s talking to people on the computer for hours and hours, I feel like I’m in a deep dark hole, crying for him to pull me out and look after me but he doesn’t hear me. He’s happy even, because I’m not there.

It sounds so malicious of him but then if you view the situation with rational eyes he is doing no wrong. I’m constantly trying to be enticing or sweet to try and get him to be with me and sometimes it works but if it doesn’t then he thinks I’m ugly or annoying. So I’ll sit alone and mutter how I hate him for rejecting me but really I’m saying I hate myself for not being able to make him be with me instead of others. I think if I didn’t want to be with him all the time then surely that means I wouldn’t love him. But then it’s my head talking again, trying to protect me saying, if you keep acting this way then it’s only out of love. An unconscious justification. Everyday I will say to myself, “he doesn’t love you” and the reasons, to you, would be baffling.

Not washing up.

Not watching TV with me.

Watching TV without me.

Talking to other people.

Staying up when I want to go to bed (this is one of the worst).

Going to an after Uni class/club (with or without me).

Getting out of bed before me.

Not hearing me when he’s watching TV/on the computer. (Maybe he doesn’t want to hear me?)

Cooking for himself.

And the list goes on….

You probably get it by now.

And you probably also wonder why I got married when I knew (I did know) full well what it would be like for me, for both us. Well, wouldn’t you rather take a chance of working through hell to get to somewhere you may be happy instead of saying I’m not going to try. Sure life would be less stressful if I weren’t in a relationship, but avoiding relationships, including friendships, would be a lot more damaging and un-fulfilling than choosing to share my life with someone who loves me.

Being able to roll over in the night and rest my head on my husband’s chest is worth all the shit that goes on in my head.

I love you. And I know you love me too.

 

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8 comments

  1. Sorry my post was triggering for you, but glad it is helpful too!

    I think I may need to revisit the ‘inability to allow their partner to have their own life and friends, a belief that healthy independence in their partner is a threat to them. ’ bit as I now see that much like yourself it is only because he doesn’t have much of a social life that I have been ok(ish) with this! Lately he has been revising for exams and I have been struggling as he stays up after I go to bed to continue this – therefore he hates me. Geez, he would rather study than share a bed with me let alone have sex with me! But then of course the lack of sex makes another ‘bad’ part of me kick in and I start fantasizing about going elsewhere to get me needs satisfied – ad a bit of impulsivity and I will! F**k best not leave the house or I’ll be screwing the first guy that passes by! This is a shit way to live, but what choice do we have!? We try to change/cope but the basic fact is that much (most) of it is out of our control – so we hate ourselves instead for failing to meet societies expectations of ‘normality’ and the whole thing becomes a vicious cycle… 😥


    • Definately agree there! I want him to want to come to bed with me. And One of my biggest fears is other people incase I get a crush then I’d probably panic and try and kill myself so I didn’t do anything stupid! Even though I’d never dream of it!


  2. I’ve done it, too many times! there’s one guy in particular I only had one night with but it’s like I’m addicted to him – if he called me (which he won’t, thankfully) I would go running – not good! I’m supposed to be getting married yet I know this is one of the many problems (the most important one I guess!) I must defeat if my marriage is going to work!


    • They say BPD is assosiated with promiscuity yet I have never had that tendency. Although I’m only 19 so I haven’t been a “woman” that long! But I’ve only been with my husband as we’ve been together since 15. But It still scares me that because of my illness I may have to potential to lose control in that area. One of the reasons I lock myself away and keep my distance from anyone! I know I could easily get addicted to someone because It happens so easily for us because of the excitement and extremeness of addiction.


  3. I guess age may be a part of this element. I met my husband when I was 15 too, stayed with him for 16 years and only cheated once during that time (and once at the end but we were over then) – since then my BPD has been much worse and a sex-drive I never had in those 16 years has sent me off the scales with sexual frustration! In the past 2 years I’ve slept with so many guys its’ like being an experimenting teenager for the first time!? :/


  4. I read this and cried, and teared up, and cried, and recognized so many of your emotions. I can say one thing, that I have learned about you, that your openness will make you go far and you will be healthy!!!! Your match with your hubby is not just yours but a match destined to be. For the reasons that you speak of. He knows and understands you unconditionally, and over time that is going to make for a strong marriage. There is nothing wrong with self evaluation and coming to recognize what you have to do to be a better person and wife. I know that people will say that we need to accepted as we are, mental disorder or not. It is true, but we also need to be self advocates. We know the simpleness of right and wrong emotions. What triggers those emotions. You explain it in your blog so openly. It is hard to work on what is learned and becomes a part of our personality…but not undoable!!! You are young and have a long, amazing life ahead of you. Keep stepping up to what that amazing brain of yours tells you and all will be well.
    I didn’t think with how I was that I would ever get married or have children. In fact I did everything opposite in my life to prevent me from getting into a situation where I had to let someone show me they loved me and actually wanted to be with me. I beat myself up for years. Too long. I wasn’t worth anyone’s time. But when I met my now husband, I knew that I was wrong….and it changed my life. It made me come out of my shell and realize the things I knew I needed to work on and to face them full force. Funny, my husbands personality is a lot like your husbands. Layed back, etc.
    We balace eachother…and if I wouldn’t have opened my brain and my heart…I would have lost an amazing opportunity, given to me by God, to have unconditional love, support and the taste of what happiness that all brings. Don’t even get me started on what having kids did for me psychologically 🙂
    Love ya. You are an amazing woman and I thank you for all that you share on FB and your blogs.
    God Bless,
    Tammy


    • You are so sweet Tammy ❤ It is hard but psych and therapists have always told me that my awareness of my situation is very good and realisation is the first step to change xxx


  5. […] of a Maybe Borderline has a blog post about a blog post. […]



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