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I make him ill.

November 11, 2011

I know I do. I cause a lot of stress and when I cause myself so much stress it’s bound to cause him stress too. I make things harder than they should be and I definately make life more difficult for both of us. Women generally have a more stern approach to life anyay, whereas men are generally more laidback and that’s why women are known for nagging. It’s a tool to get men to do what they’re supposed to when they’re supposed to. And that pisses him off to no ends and causes a lot of tension. I just feel like I’m one big nuisance when a lot of the time I may just be trying to help. I try and get him to not stay up too late when he has to get up early but I’m just being a nag and trying to ruin his fun. I say not to be on the computer when he has a headache because it’ll make it worse but then to him I’m just trying to find any way to be with him and getting jealous of him being with his friends on the computer. I’m just a bad person, all I do is hurt him when I’m trying to do good. I make him feel the need to get counsilling because I make everything harder. It’s hard to like yourself when all you seem to do is make life harder for yourself and others. He agrees that life is more difficult with me than it would be with someone who didn’t have an illness but then anyone could agree with that. But then he says if I weren’t worth all the stress than why would he still be here? It’s a wonderful thing to hear but at the same time my head says well there aren’t really any reasons to stay with me, I wouldn’t stay with me. He says I’m worth it but I don’t understand how when I just cause stress and illness. We both always feel unwell, he’s even been told he has problems with anxiety now and I know it’s because of me. So now we’re both ill, both constantly stressed, anxious and depressed. Sometimes I think it would be best if I just left. He would so much happier without me. Whenever I’ve gone for the night, he will stay up all night until the early hours playing games with his friends and have a really good time BECAUSE I’m gone and I can’t tell him to go to bed. He will have a nice time because I’m not there to tell him what to do. But then when I come home and find out I just ruin everything again by telling him, it’s not good for him to stay up all night. Then he hates me. I know if i weren’t here he would game all day and all night, do whatever he wanted whenever he wanted and be a happy bachelor. He’s always dreamed of having a bachelor pad anyway.

It may seem starnge but on the game Sims people generally create the life that would like to have. I have always created myself with a partener to start off with, I’ve never started off alone and I become a writer, my husband works and I pop out kids and that’s my life. J always starts off alone and usually stays that way, he works, plays games and plays music and if he runs out of life wishes to fulfill he might get married to someone on the way. It says a lot and actually worries me because I know his dream life would have been to be alone and have a computing/music career and I just happened to walk into his life for him to fall in love with me and ultimately fuck up his whole life plan. It’s not his fault he fell in love with me but maybe if he hadn’t have he would be happier now and less unwell. I never ever want to leave him and sometimes I feel selfish for feeling that way.

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5 comments

  1. That made me cry. Not because there’s something wrong with it but it’s too close to home. I have no advice but know you’re not alone in having these feelings.


    • That’s enough to know I’m not the only one who feels like this x


  2. Hello lovely,

    I really feel for you, I do. I don’t have the same aspects of Borderline as you seem to, so I can’t equate to the jealousy you feel about him being out of the picture for any length of time.

    However, what I think you fail to realise is that he has a choice in all of this, and that men just don’t stick with women that “trap” them, as you seem to think you have. HE CHOSE YOU TOO. And in marriage, that means choosing the whole person.

    You were together for long enough for him to be aware of your life and what it means to you. No matter how ghastly a person you think you are (and believe me; you aren’t), he decided to take the rough with the smooth when he married you.

    Like you, yes – he deserves some down time; all men and women need that in a relationship. It’s normal to go off with your friends on your own. It’s good, healthy and necessary. To have a good old natter, some beers, shoot some pool, bitch about silly things, or just to BE in the moment with friends. It leaves us able to breath and able to bring fresh air back into the relationships that are very close – like married ones.

    But going off with friends for an evening isn’t a sign of infidelity or emotional betrayal: it’s a sign of being an adult. I think sometimes, because of your background, you get the role of adult and parent confused. You’ve been a parent to your parents, and adult to your father and mother when they’ve acted like children. But you’ve needed to be a child all that time.

    What you need help with is reversing the compulsion to get your husband to parent you. Your last post made that quite clear – that you have this need to be taken care of. Now THAT I understand. I have been astonished at how ill I had to become before anyone did anything to help me – even when I was totally helpless.

    But if you can consider that your husband is with you because HE WANTS TO BE WITH YOU, then you can also understand that you don’t have to do anything to elicit his care. Equally though, you also need to give him some space. So why don’t you suggest that you allocate a day every week or every couple of weeks where you both go and visit your friends separately from each other? Part of the Borderline thing is a problem accepting changes in routine. So, if you both knew that the other was buggering off out for the evening, there isn’t an issue with you feeling like you’ve been dumped at home with no-one to talk to. It’s a question of building friendships and networks. Even bleating down the phone is better than worrying away the hours at home. And being with another person means that you don’t spend your time thinking about what he might be doing with his friends – which, if I know men at all, is likely to be deathly dull and boring, and involves beer, sport stats and daft banter.

    You know, you’ve got something really special that I don’t have: a man who was prepared to take you down the aisle and marry you. Contrary to popular belief, most men don’t really want to get married: but those who do get married REALLY want to be. He’s there for you honey; you’ve just got to learn to give him space and to build up a life of your own away from him from time to time. That’s what marriage is about: learning to be together while maintaining individuality.

    Big hugs,

    X Clarissa

    http://www.justdifficult.com


    • Thing is we don’t ever go out! And as we’ve moved and don’t know anyone and are far away from friends we both stay in almost all the time. And with him it’s not just once a week spending time with friends, it’s every night and every single moment possible but I don’t have that because I don’t have an online community where I’m constantly talking to people. So that makes it difficult. Our socializing is online and he has more of it because with gaming online it’s constantly being with others. And if he’s gaming say 7 hours a day then that’s 7 hours a day with other people and not with me if you catch what I’m saying. It’s really hard x


    • Although, we’re very different to what you might think, beer and sports isn’t what he’d be doing at all! Games and computer and that’s about it 😀



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