h1

Calm thoughts.

November 26, 2011

I’m in that kind of mood where you really start to think about things, not in a quick, rushing upsetting way but a quiet way. Since starting my meds, my head has been quiet and it’s very confusing. There have been a few situations as always where I would usually cry, kick off and thinking about harming myself but I’ve just been thinking “Right now I SHOULD be thinking about harming myself, but I’m not.” The fact that I think should obviously shows how distorted my thoughts still are but at the same time it’s only because that’s what my mind naturally jumps to so to not feel like that it odd. My head is so quiet, it’s like it doesn’t know what to do with itself if it isn’t thinking of it’s own demise. I’ve even tried to saying to myself “come on, you’re upset at something, get angry, want to hurt yourself” but those thoughts will stay for a second and I forget about them. I just don’t want to. I don’t want to hurt myself. It seems stupid to me that it could be the meds because it’s only been a few days but I really don’t know. I haven’t have an outburst at all and I usually have at least a small one a day. There’s also been times where I’ve felt I would usually cry but I haven’t. My head is quiet. Things aren’t so extreme anymore, things aren’t that big a deal anymore. Yet no anti depressant works straight away. I’m not sure why I feel like this, I mean is it possible that it’s just working a little bit already?

I’ve been misinterpreting my husband’s usual tone as “snapping” more because I feel so calm. I’m usually quite on edge so his tone seems more extreme now, any tiny hint of frustration or volume now and I see it as him getting angry. I don’t want to be a zombie, I still want to feel things and I still want to cry but at the same time I haven’t felt real relaxation is a long time. I can still felt the anxiety twinges but they aren’t so bad. I don’t think this can be psychological on my part because I don’t have a good feelings about meds so surely if it were psychological I would feel worse not better. I’m still worried about becoming manic. I don’t have Bipolar but due to my dad’s bipolar that was the reason my old psych never gave me any anti depressants.

Also as suspected my dad went straight back into hospital on Thursday after being released on Wednesday. He couldn’t even get himself dressed he was in such a state and made my mum call an ambulance because he was having a panic attack. I knew it would happen and they just never seem to listen to us.

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