Being something I’m not.November 27, 2011
I have always been the weird kid. No matter how much I try not to be, I will always just be a fraud. Because that’s what I am, I’m the wannabe who will never look as good or be as confident as the other girls. Facebook and twitter let me create the perfect persona, a confident, pretty (photo edited) girl who has a loving husband and is going to be an amazing writer one day.
Truth is, I’m not anything I pretend to be. I am not confident, I am not pretty, my relationships is really really hard and I say I’m going to be a writer because it’s the only thing I haven’t screwed up yet. I get piercings, tattoos, dye my hair and for what? To just feel like I’m trying too hard. No matter what I do, no matter how I dress I just feel like I’m trying to copy other people. But then everyone gets their style from others so why can’t I pick the things I like and not feel like a complete fraud. I used to be the good mormon girl whose only hopes and dreams were to have a husband and be a housewife. But now I have dreams beyond that I’m not sure what to with myself. I dropped everything I believed in because it just didn’t feel right anymore and now I don’t know what I believe in. I just don’t know who I am. I used to have so many beliefs and ideas and now I feel completely lost. I am not my clothes, I am not my hair, but then I don’t know what else there is to me. I just feel like a nothing. I’m not even ill, I just can’t be bothered to face my family problems so I hide away and do whatever I want. I don’t deserve benefits and I don’t deserve to get “better” because the only thing I will ever be is pathetic and you can’t get better from something that you have always been