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Being something I’m not.

November 27, 2011

I have always been the weird kid. No matter how much I try not to be, I will always just be a fraud. Because that’s what I am, I’m the wannabe who will never look as good or be as confident as the other girls. Facebook and twitter let me create the perfect persona, a confident, pretty (photo edited) girl who has a loving husband and is going to be an amazing writer one day.

Truth is, I’m not anything I pretend to be. I am not confident, I am not pretty, my relationships is really really hard and I say I’m going to be a writer because it’s the only thing I haven’t screwed up yet. I get piercings, tattoos, dye my hair and for what? To just feel like I’m trying too hard. No matter what I do, no matter how I dress I just feel like I’m trying to copy other people. But then everyone gets their style from others so why can’t I pick the things I like and not feel like a complete fraud. I used to be the good mormon girl whose only hopes and dreams were to have a husband and be a housewife. But now I have dreams beyond that I’m not sure what to with myself. I dropped everything I believed in because it just didn’t feel right anymore and now I don’t know what I believe in. I just don’t know who I am. I used to have so many beliefs and ideas and now I feel completely lost. I am not my clothes, I am not my hair, but then I don’t know what else there is to me. I just feel like a nothing. I’m not even ill, I just can’t be bothered to face my family problems so I hide away and do whatever I want. I don’t deserve benefits and I don’t deserve to get “better” because the only thing I will ever be is pathetic and you can’t get better from something that you have always been

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5 comments

  1. After 35 years I still feel this way, will it ever change? will I ever fit? will I ever be happy? I doubt it, but somehow I keep on trying and keep on hoping… it’s all we can do I guess? xx


    • I just think I’ve had people constantly tell me that I’m just a wannabe and I’ll never amount to the same as them that It’s stuck!


      • I would hug you until you burst after just reading this if I could. But apart from the basic response to a post lie this, such as; “Don’t worry about them,”, “you are better!” But we both know we can say wise things, but putting those wise insights into practice if a different thing altogether.

        I would say focus on the people who love you. The ones that don’t see you as what you just described yourself above, and even in those moments of insecurity, those times times when it gets bad. You know there are people who are like that. Because reading that reminded me of myself at many times, staring at the girl with a pretty outfit, thinking it’s vile, my form is vile, my face is vile, my personality’s is vile, what is the point when its all vile? Then I just thought of what would have happened if I just stopped, if I just left? how would it effect those who I knew would care?

        And I won’t say it magically went away. But it smoothed the burn slightly, and I just tried to get back up again.


      • I would love a hug to death from you right now ❤ xxxxxx


  2. whatisthisnormaluspeakof says: ‘I would hug you until you burst after just reading this if I could. ‘ That was my first thought as I read your post. Just give you huge, comforting hugs and hopefully show you that you are Perfect as you are.

    You speak about the fact that you used to be a good Mormon… The mormon way of Life can be so very testing if you are seeking answers. No, I am not of the Faith, but I do know much about it. Savannah, your blogging is so insightful and I pray you continue.

    Huge Pink Elephant Hugs to you from the Tip of Africa (South Africa.

    Sevae



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