Nobody really knows.December 20, 2011
He’s on the phone to his mum and once again she’s asking the same questions and I hear that one that always makes me laugh. He responce is always the same “yeah, she’s fine”. I listen to him say the same thing again and laugh as I sit on the bathroom floor slicing my thighs.
It’s kind of exciting having a secret identity. A secret identity I have to have so people can accept me as human. If family knew what went on for me they wouldn’t understand and family in law would definately not want their son anywhere near me. It’s time like that when I realised how disturbed a human being I really am. To the point that I need to hide who I really am. I cut myself. I am never really okay but It’s okay if you don’t know that. You just need to see the surface and listen to mine and my husband’s words.
He doesn’t tell them because he wants to protect me. He is the only one who really knows why I do the things I do and why I feel the way I feel. Even though he may not realise it himself. He is keeping me safe from their hate and judgement. We can deal with my behaviors together and nobody else in the family needs to know how really bad I am.
I don’t tell them because I feel they don’t deserve to know. I can talk to my father in law about my problems to an extent which is good. It helps me feel like I have more support from someone at least. Although emotions are a no no. He’s a man who doesn’t like to show any emotion other than sarcasm and anger. Like my father. I can tell him the facts and he can give a logical answer but any emotional bollocks and I know he wouldn’t know where to start or even want to.
Social Networking sites are one of the wonderful things that let me give the illusion of normality and harmony in my life. I write about the good things and my family can think “great, she’s fine” what they don’t see is that while I’m writing it I’m thinking of where else on my body I can mutilate. I’m not lying. I never lie. The good things I write are always true but then I can feel the good and bad simultaneously. It’s very normal for me to feel good and still be utterly chaotic and on the verge of throwing myself out of the window. I don’t even try and act normal when I visit family because I am normal around people, you wouldn’t guess anything about me other than I seem like a nice girl. It’s not that I can suddenly control myself in front of others, it’s that my dangerous impulsive are more alert when I’m alone because I can do more, therefore making it more dangerous. The more comfortable I am around someone the more I am in danger. If someone can accept me and understands my behaviors and am less resilient to stop myself because I know they will love me regardless. You’d think it would be the opposite but it’s not.
I say that but I know that if I had to live with any person for an extended period of time no matter how close I would need to act on those impulses at some point regardless of what they thought. It would just start off with me being a lot more resistant to it all.
I feel like I have this nice girl outer image that family and friends see but there’s this girl who is the complete opposite and she can’t be known to them, I have to keep her a secret because if everyone were to accept her then she would take over. If family felt okay with the fact that I self harm and have chaotic behaviors then I would probably end up dead. Exciting huh? I’m teetering on the balance between good and bad and all it has to take is some disappointment and some boredom to make me want to tear myself apart.