Close friends.December 26, 2011
It’s really hard for me to keep friends. I find it difficult to be extremely close to more than one person at a time and often jump back and forth between feelings of who I’m closest with. It causes a lot of difficulties due to me acting qute clingy to someone one minute and then not even thinking of talking to them the next. I do it absent mindedly but they notice. My friendships become intense very very quickly and if the other person doesn’t follow suit then I can seem a bit full on.
The internet helps me to maintain easier relationships because internet friends don’t generally need as much consistancy and a friend you may see on a regular basis. It’s easier for me to have friends that don’t mind if I’m gone for a bit because I can’t maintain consistant relationships, they go up and down all the time. I may be talking to you every day one minute and then not speak to you for a year. The constand need to feel appreciated and loved plays a big role in this. If a new person seems interested in being friends with me then I can very quickly attach to this new person and their newness is enticing. It will be a different friendship and It won’t be the same as any other. Therfore, I start to neglect others for this one person out of the love for this new loving friend. And then that will fade and someone else will come along. It’s sad but It’s how my life has played out. I always expect new thing to be better. The consistant friendships I have managed to maintain are those that know how I work and see me as a good friend regardless of the amount I talk to them or how many times I see them. They know I have a hard time with relationships and love me nonetheless. Thank you L especially.
It would be extremely hard for me to have a lot of close friends outside of the internet due to having to maintain seeing them to keep the friendship going. This is how I screwed up at school friendships. I did have one main group of friends but I was often moving from group to group so things were constantly new and not predictable. However, girls don’t deal well with their friend coming back and forth into the group. They didn’t really understand whether I wanted to be friends with them or not. And I did, Iwas just friends with other people too and didn’t want to stick with one group. I couldn’t. It doesn’t work out well though. After school I ended up losing most of my friends. I wasn’t interesting in carrying on the frienships and nor were they, except a small few. 2 of them to be exact. The best way for me to have close friends is to have one close friend from each part of my life and then there is no favouritism because they are completely different. For example, I have one close primary school friend, one close church friend, one close secondary school friend, one close mentalist friend (changes a lot) and one close gaming friend. Although I reckon I see them as closer than they would me. My attachments to them are very extreme but depending on who I have spoken to last they will be the one I feel I am closest to. In some way there is an element of idolising with internet friends in particular, I so want them to like me and need their acceptance to feel good about myself.
Now that I think of it in every element of my life I haven’t have consistant friends. In church I was friends with 3 girls mainly and I switch between them a lot, 2 of them were sisters but I still switched between them frequently. As they one of them wasn’t close to the third girl it meant we weren’t a group of friends so that’s why I was always going back and forth. I always seem to make friends with people who are completely different to eachother and that’s why it’s hard to be friends with them all because they don’t go together. As my identity constantly changes so do my friends, it seems. Even in primary I was friends with 3 different groups throughout. Everyone else seemed to stay in the same groups.
You can often end up feeling lonely and like you don’t fit in when you’re constantly changing friends but then J came along and he was mine and I was stuck to him like super glue. He gave me what friends couldn’t, romantic love, and as I stuck to him and got addicted to being in a relationship I hardly ever saw friends again. I speak to friends but I don’t see them much. I get horrid seperation anxiety and my biggest fear is that if I do go away from him I’ll continue unconsciously with my pattern of attaching to someone new due to wanting more and more and nothing ever feeling enough. I don’t want to jump from man to man, I want to keep us safe. I want to be in control. So I’ll stay here and I will write to you and make internet friends and be close to them and they will fade and new people will come along.
I want to just apologise to Tyler and Molly for being so intense so quickly in our friendships, you were both just so lovely to me and I appreciate that more than you can imagine.