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At a loss.

January 25, 2012

No income, no motivation, depression, over spending, ED behaviours. I don’t know what to do anymore. Neither me or J have the motivation to do anything, we’ve spent so long trying so hard to manage in our own family homes surrounded by people who are poisonous that now we are out of those homes we are exhausted and just need rest. Yet we can’t take a break because we need money to live. No one in our family seems to understand properly how to help us because generally they are the cause of our feelings today. They make us feel helpless because, well, they are pretty useless. They say they will help us but when we ask they often critisise and make us feel worse than we started off with. We are 2 teenagers alone and scared with no one to just help us along the way. We both feel like failures and neither of us can cope just getting through the day and there’s nothing we can do.

It’s scary and we need help but what kind of help is a mystery. I just want to breakdown and give in but I’ve been strong for so long I don’t know how. So much is blocked out because it is impossible to deal with so much without spontaneously combusting in the process. J hates Uni, hates it so much and if he doesn’t go in tomorrow, that’s it, he can no longer go to that Uni and then do we stay where we are now and get jobs (fat chance)? Or go back to live closer to where we have all of our lives been familiar. The benefit is knowing people near us and the down side is knowing people near us. We love to hide away at home and never leave but then if we are near people we know they will notice and hassle us. I just don’t know what to do anymore, I know we won’t be left on the streets by our families but then It’d probably be a better option than living with either of our families. We shouldn’t have to have dealt with so much, we’re 19 for gods sake. Our lives have been plagued with many deaths, mental illnesses of almost all family members on my side and depression on his. We went to church and were hated there for being too close to eachother but when you find someone who understands what you feel then what do you expect! So then a huge part of both of our lives was gone there too. There’s been suicide attempts, self harm, overbearing parents, uncaring parents, guilt trips, being forced to care for parents, divorce, too much. It’s all too much. And it won’t end. It just won’t end.

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5 comments

  1. What happened? did J go to uni the next day?
    I’d always advise living closer to family or friends or familiar places/faces if prone to depression etc….. if you wanna hide away you always can (beleive me) but it’s good to have people nearby to turn to, talk to and share burden with.
    As you are under 25 I’m sure there are counselling services offered locally that you could just go to to share all of this stess and confusion and talk about your struggles. They could help you work out where to go for the right support if you are both struggling so much.
    If suicidal or self harm etc. then must see dr, if just stressed need friends/supportive role models who you can trust to give good advice and support.

    Family may not be perfect… but often they are still the best people we have in our lives to turn to… they care, and they are always there… if you explain to them how desperate you sometimes feel and what support/help specifically you would really love them to give you I’m sure you’d be surprised how much they try to help, and what a weight off your shoulders it would feel.


    • No he didn’t go. If you have a family like that you are very lucky. We are 19. I’m not being a moody teenager to say that our famiily are almost useless but unfortunately it’s true. If they had been good parents we probably wouldn’t so chaotic and depressed now. For us, they aren’t the best people to turn to and they aren’t always there. For those who have that, they are extremely lucky. No matter how useless they may be I would still feel safer being closer to them if only for a place to stay if things go downhill very quickly and we need somewhere to live temporarily. Thank you for your advice. We need to sort out where to live first and then seek some help that isn’t so close to home so emotions aren’t clashing as family becoming very judgemental and angry when either of doesn’t exceed their expectations.


  2. Just came across your blog and am glad to have discovered it. As a fellow BPD’er, I can definitely relate to a lot of what you’re experiencing and writing about. I’ve added you to my blogroll and look forward to hearing more from you! Please feel free to check out my blog as well. After having deleted my initial blog, disappearing from the blogosphere for a bit, starting this current blog almost a year ago and subsequently taking a bit of a hiatus, I’m attempting to make a return. Again, glad to have found your blog! 🙂 *hugs*


  3. You’ve had it tough, but you’re so strong. Allow yourself time to cry, to have ‘down-time’ – you’ll return all the more positive for it. Remember that you and J have each other. I hope things have started to improve since this post… hugs x


  4. Hey… I just wanted to drop you a quick note to ask if you’d be willing to do a little guest post on my blog please – I want to set up a page with people’s stories of Mental Illness, to let others know that they’re not alone, and hopefully create a friendly place where people feel comfortable to share and support each other… Drop me a note on my blog if you’re interested, and I’ll send you my email address… Take Care xx



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