At a loss.January 25, 2012
No income, no motivation, depression, over spending, ED behaviours. I don’t know what to do anymore. Neither me or J have the motivation to do anything, we’ve spent so long trying so hard to manage in our own family homes surrounded by people who are poisonous that now we are out of those homes we are exhausted and just need rest. Yet we can’t take a break because we need money to live. No one in our family seems to understand properly how to help us because generally they are the cause of our feelings today. They make us feel helpless because, well, they are pretty useless. They say they will help us but when we ask they often critisise and make us feel worse than we started off with. We are 2 teenagers alone and scared with no one to just help us along the way. We both feel like failures and neither of us can cope just getting through the day and there’s nothing we can do.
It’s scary and we need help but what kind of help is a mystery. I just want to breakdown and give in but I’ve been strong for so long I don’t know how. So much is blocked out because it is impossible to deal with so much without spontaneously combusting in the process. J hates Uni, hates it so much and if he doesn’t go in tomorrow, that’s it, he can no longer go to that Uni and then do we stay where we are now and get jobs (fat chance)? Or go back to live closer to where we have all of our lives been familiar. The benefit is knowing people near us and the down side is knowing people near us. We love to hide away at home and never leave but then if we are near people we know they will notice and hassle us. I just don’t know what to do anymore, I know we won’t be left on the streets by our families but then It’d probably be a better option than living with either of our families. We shouldn’t have to have dealt with so much, we’re 19 for gods sake. Our lives have been plagued with many deaths, mental illnesses of almost all family members on my side and depression on his. We went to church and were hated there for being too close to eachother but when you find someone who understands what you feel then what do you expect! So then a huge part of both of our lives was gone there too. There’s been suicide attempts, self harm, overbearing parents, uncaring parents, guilt trips, being forced to care for parents, divorce, too much. It’s all too much. And it won’t end. It just won’t end.