Archive for the ‘CBT’ Category

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Dr L: session 9.

November 27, 2010

Well…where do I start.

1) I humiliated myself.

2) I have made no progress.

3) I cried.

4) Dr L isn’t sure what to do with me.

5) With an end I can’t make progress.

 

With the limit of 5 months being set it has become clear to Dr L that there is no possibility to make progress as I am constantly worrying about the end being nigh. With the end being near it means that I can’t do things slowly and will constantly try and get ahead of myself because of knowing there will be an end. Dr L asked me how I felt about there being an ending and here comes the humiliation of bursting into tears and sobbing “please don’t leave me, you’re the only person who’s every really tried and been able to help me”. That’s it, I thought. I’m attached and when the sessions end, I am going to have a nervous breakdown, she’s there for me every week and she’s my weekly constant. I’ve never had a constant. I feel like I can release everything from the week all at once and it feels like such a relief. I just can’t lose that and I don’t want to think about when it’s gone because I’ll feel completely vulnerable and lost again. I can’t bear to be back there again. Even if I’ve made no progress and even if I never do, the fact that I feel safe that I can see Dr L every week would mean I had more chances of surviving this. She said about adding a few more sessions onto the end but I don’t know what that will help. She’s going to leave me at some point. I can’t cope with it. I don’t want to hate her, I really don’t but I know I will be so angry at her for leaving me to fend for myself. Dr SJS doesn’t seem to understand why I can’t make immediate progress. I said I’d had a month of sessions and nothing had really changed yet and he seemed baffled and concluded that maybe CBT wouldn’t help me at all. Maybe his previous patients have progressed immediately and suddenly been “cured” which I highly doubt. He’s so very blunt with me, sometimes it can be quite harsh.

 

But anyway, Dr L, It’s not going to be a pretty sight when I can’t see you anymore.

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The Other Side- By J.

November 16, 2010

BPD means to me someone who is essentially confused, not by their own fault and not to imply that they are in any way mentally deficient, but confused in the sense that to others, they appear to understand little of their own desires. Although to a BPD sufferer, it may feel perfectly natural to be feeling fine one minute, then self destructive for no apparent logical reason the next – to an outsider this can be very difficult to understand.

BPD has affected me in the sense of how I understand and react to someone I hold truly very dear to my heart. Their mood does change a lot, sometimes without warning, sometimes for long periods, sometimes it just seems to change for the sake of it – but that’s okay. Sure it may be difficult to come to terms with, yet deep down all they ultimately desire is loving care and attention. The great cartoon S posted on here before summarised this perfectly:
“You’re going to abandon me like all the others, aren’t you?”
“No. I won’t.”
“Yes, you will.”
“No, I won’t. Look I’m not going to fulfil your stupid abandonment complex!”
“You would if you loved me.”

While it is easy to understand the second person’s point of view, the first person is just worried, probably from a history of firsthand experience, of how people have strongly tended to abandon them with little reason throughout their life. Hence the expectation and questioning fear that the same is going to happen again and also then suggesting an illogical method of the other proving their love to them.

Emotionally, the extremes do tend to run high – for both parties involved. Partner A gets mad/angry/upset/depressed for any reason, Partner B responds (at the very least internally,) in kind. Unchecked, this can quickly escalate beyond all proportion (especially if Partner B has a tendency to initiate arguments already – my bad) however reasoning behind Partner A’s emotional change in the first place can be flawed or merely a misinterpretation of an otherwise harmless situation. That’s not to say that they don’t have very good reason to be feeling the way they do, just that to others this reason is excessive, sometimes to the point of absurdity. Nevertheless, it is still entirely real for Partner A to be feeling the way they do.

It is difficult to explain, moreso is how one can develop BPD. My knowledge of it has been the sad truth of a tale of neglect, ignorant, arrogant, selfish treatment and quintessentially a lack of tender loving care. Suffice to say, fail to attend to someone’s needs, constantly be completely unreliable and then fail to apologise or even recognise your misdoings and you are allowing said person in your care to develop a personality disorder such as BPD as a coping strategy for everything you have put them through.

BPD can have far reaching and long term implications. Firstly, mood stability can, for the large part, be quite literally thrown asunder as the BPD sufferer reflects all of the emotional instability and inconsistency they have experienced onto others. Secondly, you or someone you care about has BPD be prepared to make concessions and to be as understanding as possible for what they yearn for most is someone who is going to be there and love them no matter what they say/do/feel/like/dislike at any given time of day! Whether or not they’ve just told you how they can’t see themselves surviving with or without you (assuming you’re the lover of said sufferer,) and have self harmed already in that day alone, what you must do is simply be there for them. Try to make them understand that you are there to help, that you are going to keep being there and that your love is entirely 100% unconditional. Okay so maybe it might not ‘actually’ be 100% unconditional (I think you have to draw the line somewhere, for me it would be something along the lines of wanting a sex change…) but they need to feel that way regardless.

Similarly, personally I have a habit of starting arguments (although I prefer the term discussions,) over simple things with unsurpassed ease! Although I think of it as being an interesting dialogue between two persons….. My dear S, for the most part, sees it simple as how we always argue; how we don’t get along and how we aren’t meant to be together. Now, honestly I am not trying to start arguments for the sake of arguments but to her it seems that way. To her it seems that what I consider utterly trivial becomes utterly essential – thus expressing the true core of our relationship – that we argue too much and aren’t right for each other and as much as I know that it will hurt her reading this, I know that is how it makes her feel. What I, therefore, need to do is to limit arguments as much as possible, to hold my tongue (for the majority of the time anyway ;P) and to try to approach and word the discussion differently in order to minimise any potentiality of an undesirable eventuality resulting in severe upset and emotional pain (which as always, poses the risk of leading to physical pain) for S. In contrast, what she must do is attend her CBT sessions and to try and understand things in a more… colourful view which doesn’t simply state any given situation as being either entirely unhappy or entirely perfect. I wish I could do more to help her, I really do, yet all I can say is to simply hang in there, keep trying and keep attempting to realise things in a broader, less extremist sense!

Lastly, why do I put up with all this crap? Simple. I love her, I want to be with her and by god I won’t let anyone or anything get in my way. I don’t care if she can be incredibly moody all the damn time because I love her for it! I love her for all the little quirks that make her her and I do my best to see the real her that can be hidden away behind emotional barriers and defence mechanisms because it just makes me love her even more.

THAT is why I put up with her. ❤

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Reality.

November 7, 2010

I felt like I really pissed my therapist off this week by being “difficult” but then I realised if I was willing to do everything she suggested and was able to do all these things with ease then I wouldn’t need to be there in the first place. Her job is to deal with me being difficult otherwise would I really be ill? I do live in a bubble. Reality from a young age has only done me wrong and therefore I have decided to stay away from reality. Thus ending in having to see a psychiatrist. My therapist says that living in my bubble is what makes me depressed but really it’s the small glimpses of reality that seep into my bubble that cause terror and despair. The idea of leaving my bubble almost breaks me. If I face reality, I see a failure, a reject and someone not worth anything who is destined to be poor with a family riddled with mental illness. In my bubble, I am a writer, an achiever, I am going to be married and have a family and live with happiness and security. And why can’t my bubble beliefs become reality? I pray they do but they are so knocked when reality does rear it’s ugly head. I know I’m hiding, I’m not oblivious to this.

Sometimes I do try to come back to reality, I have a positive moment, I start planning things I can do and then I think and think and something panics me and I retreat again. I curse my brain for letting me even consider stepping out of the bubble and then try and regather my thoughts and the reasons why I hide. I am safe. The thoughts of reality are the thoughts that threaten my life not the ones inside the bubble. The fear is that I know one day I will have to leave. Or will I? I’m just trying to have a simple life, my life up to this point has been chaotic and unpredictable, can you blame me for wanting simplicity. I’ve been severly weakened and just want a peaceful, simple life. Marriage, kids, a simple job, minimal chaos, no…madness. I’m not saying having a family is easy but I’m saying I don’t want years of travelling, degrees, difficulties. I should have been born in the time where life was all drawn out for you, everyone had the same life, the man went to work, the women had children and husbands and were looked after. I was born in the wrong era. I long to be looked after throughout my life, I want to be cared for, loved. I won’t put a career before family, I want my family to be happy, I want to care for them and be cared for by my husband in return. I want simple structure. I just want to be happy. I don’t care if I’m living in the old days, if it makes me happy who are people to judge.

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General Update.

November 3, 2010

I’ve been finding it very hard to write lately because I’ve been feeling so down. It’s strange because I can usually churn out a post a day but with such a low mood, it’s like my brain has stopped functioning. My appointments were absolutely horrible this week. I saw my psych Dr SJS on tuesday just for a monthly check up and I told him about my depressive moods with no emotions and he said if I get worse I may have to go on anti depressents with is the last thing he wants to do because it’d be putting me at risk of bipolar. So yesterday I spent the day in a bit of a wreck thinking I had to suffer either way. Today was my CBT with Dr L, she spoke about my future and how she doesn’t know how she can help me much because of the way I get so distressed at everyday things, we don’t have much time to work together so she said all she could really do was help me with a few little things I could do each day to help myself. I just felt like she given me a death sentence, she basically said I was beyond help. She knows I need long term treatment yet can’t offer me more, that’s not my fault. I feel at a loss right now. I’ve had a lot of “those” thoughts but I can’t do it, I SHed a little and even that was something I kind of convinced myself to do to relieve the thoughts. I’m lacking purpose, I’m not really sure what I’m here for, If I’m here to suffer then I’d rather not. I know I carry on for my fiance and without him I’m not sure where I’d be. I’ve been pushing him away a lot because I just believe I’m going to ruin his whole life but he won’t go away, thank god he’s stubborn.

Sometimes I think I push him away so that I know he’ll fight to stay. And he always does but there’s a limit. I could never forgive myself if I pushed him too far but then sometimes I do feel I’m trying to save him from all of this crap. How completely ridiculous is all of this? Ergh, early night I think, I need sleep.

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Dr L part 4: Not much to report.

October 20, 2010

I think if I tell you about every session with Dr L it will only get you terribly repetitive. We talked about my fear of recovery affecting my writing, she reassured me that recovery is the key to real life changing writing. That my writing won’t dissapear because I can’t write about being ill but it will give so much more to write about. I told her about how I called a friend about a problem I was having and she had a grin on her face (I have dependency problems and only really go to my boyfriend about my issues). I don’t know…I don’t feel that CBT after only 4 sessions can suddenly have a big change on my life so I don’t want to think of it that way as we haven’t have enough time to really work through things thouroughly enough. I’ll just see them as random acts that I chose to do on my ways to recovery- which is fricking terrifying.

Now after my appointment my dad’s psych arranged an appointment for him straight after which I attended. His CPN, B, was also there. B knows me well as I’m always there when he comes to see dad. I recognised Dr G and wonder if she had some role in my childhood like my psych Dr SJS, I mean the receptionist welcomes my dad by first name when he comes in. Anyway, this was all to do with my dad’s increased anxiety and restlessness and they came to the conclusion to remove the Citilopram and carry on with sodium valporate and risperidone. So if he’s down in the next week I’ll know why. I think I fear Mania and Psychosis more than Depression and B is going to be coming over every now and then to see how things are. Then we spoke about the MH social groups dad attends and how they are now making people pay if they have over a certain amount of income. Unlucky for dad he’s just got an endowment through and the mortgage is already paid so now he is above the limit of money and would have to pay £35 a week to go to his groups. What a joke. According to the bank, the benefits dad’s getting right now means that all his money will be gone in 5 years. This is before any cuts. So he may be losing a social group, which is so beneficial and all because he has money and doesn’t want to pay £35 a week because of household bills already eating £400 a month of his money. Is anyone really winning with this?

Anyway, Dr G said that apparently if you’ve been hospitalised and classified as section 3 then you can get it free whatever money you earn but dad had only been section 2. So dad mimicked strangling me and we all laughed…I felt a little uncomfortable though.

The things you have to find funny when your life is crap, eh? So basically…dad’s being taken off anti D’s and he’s too rich and not crazy enough to have free socialisation …Hm.

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Being Alone.

October 14, 2010

Dr L gave me a weekly schedule and made me write down one thing I would do each day to look forward too. She wrote down what I like to do, going to the theatre, blogging, cinema, reading, gaming and then she remarked “there doesn’t seem to be much here with other people”. I fell silent and then said “Yeah, I know but that’s how I like it, it’s less emotional work”, I added that literally all of my friends were now at Uni too so I couldn’t just walk down the road to see a friend anymore because everyones gone. She asked about all you lovely mentalists and I said sadly how we all live so far apart and can only have the occasional get together. If you all lived closer I know I’d see you a lot more. With the social anxiety, being alone, although sad sometimes is much more preffered. Speaking to people through a screen is fine for me and can make me feel less lonely.Every weekend I spend time with my boyfriend, so that’s my social interaction. Obviously my parents are at home and there’s the occasional “hello”. I’ve always preffered being either on my own or with something I’m really comfortable with and I don’t want that to change, what’s wrong with that? I don’t want to be a social butterfly, I like a lot of  my own space. When my friends were here I would see them on occasion and it’s not my fault they’re miles and miles away now but I honestly don’t mind being on my own. I can write and do whatever I want without having to consider what someone else wants to do. I have my friends on social networking sites and I talk to them and enjoy their “company” and knowing they’re there if I needed any advice. I mean the biggest seperator is the mental illness, I admit that, I feel safer around mentalists because if I’m feeling nervous or panicky at least they know what’s going on and know how to help. At the mad up I felt completely safe with about 20 strangers, and it’s all because we practically knew eachother deepest darkest “secrets” from our blogs so no one was hiding anything and it was all genuine. I knew I was safe with these people, whereas the thought of being surrounded by around 20 mentally ill people would terrify most…how things differ when you become part of something. I know Dr L will try and make me “get out there” but I’m okay with how things are now, sure I get lonlely sometimes but I’ve always been alone.

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Dr L session 3.

October 13, 2010

I’ve taken to writing a list out of the things that bother me throughout each week due to terrible memory, I was worried about doing it because my last therapy would read my list and go hm and give it back but obviously Dr L works through it with me crossing out the smaller issues and focusing on the big problems and how they affected me: thought, feelings, behaviours, psychical sensations. Each session has been very different but all has been insightful, a bonus. But I still have that big wavering thought in my head. In 4 months she’ll be gone and she said that from the beginning we would try and keep focus on there being an end. I feel like I’m going to make progress and then as soon as I know it’s over I’ll turn into hating her for leaving me when I’m not better. I can’t get better in 5 months, we both know that, it’s an impossibility, I need years of therapy. And I want it to be with her, I trust her, she’s nice to me and she understands and works through things at a steady pace without getting annoyed. She said she was really proud of my coping this week and I had to stop myself from crying, she was really pleased with me and all I could focus on was my slip up. As I left she said once again how well I’d done and without thinking I scoffed, oops…