Archive for the ‘Confusion’ Category

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I’m not really sure where this is going…

January 21, 2012

This thing called life. I’m not really sure where I’m taking this thing, not that I generally take it all that seriously. I’ve been looking after myself and I don’t know why. Making sure I brush my teeth twice a day, taking my meds, trying to lose weight healthily. I don’t know why I’m doing it but I think it’s one of those control things. Because I don’t really feel happier doing it, but it’s helping me to keep track of each day.

Time is speeding so fast and the world seems to rush past me as I do more of nothing. My life isn’t much but it’s still mine and I guess I’m trying to appreciate more since she died. But then maybe it’s the meds? I really don’t know. I have hardly self harmed since starting them and have only have 2 or 3 outbursts with threats of suicide. It’s ridiculous that such a thing like that could be an achievement. It just makes everything seem even more ludicrous. I think I’m hurting but I can’t really feel it. I’ve been spending excessively and loving how I know I shouldn’t. Then the next day I feel like an awful excuse of a human being. So many people work so hard for what they have and still struggle and I do bugger all I get handed things. I just go out and spend what I want, although with no income it will run out. But psychologically, an excessive spender only breakdown when that moment of bankrupsy occurs.

I always imagined that I would end up on the streets because in the end people will stop helping me, when they realise I’m probably not going to help myself in the end. All these horrible things I have always imagined for my future and yet I don’t care because I just think, if worst comes to the worst I can just end it all. Easy peasy!

So many people wish for millions and yet I know I would be a miserable millionaire. I wouldn’t have to do anything for myself and would therefore have zero motivation to achieve anything. Money doesn’t make me happy, it hinders me. I don’t know if I will learn or if I really want to. Sometimes I feel like I’m waiting for that day when I finally just fade off the face of the earth. I don’t really expect to live very long let along have any kind of future. I don’t have a future, I have a consistancy of nothingness that I’m condemned to. And it’s all my own doing.

She didn’t deserve to die, I deserve it much more than her because she worked so hard for what she wanted to achieve and her I am, self indulgent brat who can’t appreciate anything. I should be the one who was  killed by the person they loved. I imagine if anyone were to kill me, It should probably be my husband because I make his life hell. Of course the top candidate is myself but then if it weren’t I would like it to be him. As some kind of reward for putting up with my lazy, narcissistic self.

He says he loves me and I feel so confused everytime he say it because I really don’t know what’s going on for him. He loves me and yet I am not worth the time of day. I complain, I nag, I cry, I argue, I shout, I hate with so much passion. I often think maybe he likes the company but then I remember how anti- social he really is. I don’t know what it is. And I love him too when I’m not too busy hating him for some menial reason or screaming abuse and trying to get him to stop me topping myself to show that he cares. It’s not pretty, our relationship.Yet, our relationship may be a thing of beauty. Because all the anger and hatred spurs only more love when we realise that the only reason we are screaming is because we are hurting from our own demons. We scream at eachother only to breakdown and try and protect eachother from ourselves. It’s hard for me to be romantic, I get embaressed and the words I love you don’t often come from mouth because I have to be 100% sure I am feeling that way at the time. I refuse to say the words I love you without feelings deep and undying wonder at the being infront of me. Love means too much to be thrown around at every occasion.

I don’t know if I can cope going to Catherine’s funeral. It means acceptance. I just feel like if I didn’t go then I would be hated by the other people who would expect my attendance. Yet I know Catherine wouldn’t hate me, she would want me to be safe and okay. I have had one awful breakdown over her death and I don’t know how I would manage in public. I imagine it and just feel scared. I feel trauma. I wish I could save her, one day to be with her would just feel like I could then say goodbye. Instead of leaving it with unfinished plans of spending new year together. Not lighting a candle on New Years Eve and crying until it hurt when the clock struck midnight. It’s just all feels so wrong and  one awful.

I just wish I could find that one photo of us from primary school. 6 years old and grinning with your arm round my shoulder. I could watch the video that was made at school, that’s the only way to see you living, breathing and moving again but then you were 11 then and we have experienced so much since.

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I make him ill.

November 11, 2011

I know I do. I cause a lot of stress and when I cause myself so much stress it’s bound to cause him stress too. I make things harder than they should be and I definately make life more difficult for both of us. Women generally have a more stern approach to life anyay, whereas men are generally more laidback and that’s why women are known for nagging. It’s a tool to get men to do what they’re supposed to when they’re supposed to. And that pisses him off to no ends and causes a lot of tension. I just feel like I’m one big nuisance when a lot of the time I may just be trying to help. I try and get him to not stay up too late when he has to get up early but I’m just being a nag and trying to ruin his fun. I say not to be on the computer when he has a headache because it’ll make it worse but then to him I’m just trying to find any way to be with him and getting jealous of him being with his friends on the computer. I’m just a bad person, all I do is hurt him when I’m trying to do good. I make him feel the need to get counsilling because I make everything harder. It’s hard to like yourself when all you seem to do is make life harder for yourself and others. He agrees that life is more difficult with me than it would be with someone who didn’t have an illness but then anyone could agree with that. But then he says if I weren’t worth all the stress than why would he still be here? It’s a wonderful thing to hear but at the same time my head says well there aren’t really any reasons to stay with me, I wouldn’t stay with me. He says I’m worth it but I don’t understand how when I just cause stress and illness. We both always feel unwell, he’s even been told he has problems with anxiety now and I know it’s because of me. So now we’re both ill, both constantly stressed, anxious and depressed. Sometimes I think it would be best if I just left. He would so much happier without me. Whenever I’ve gone for the night, he will stay up all night until the early hours playing games with his friends and have a really good time BECAUSE I’m gone and I can’t tell him to go to bed. He will have a nice time because I’m not there to tell him what to do. But then when I come home and find out I just ruin everything again by telling him, it’s not good for him to stay up all night. Then he hates me. I know if i weren’t here he would game all day and all night, do whatever he wanted whenever he wanted and be a happy bachelor. He’s always dreamed of having a bachelor pad anyway.

It may seem starnge but on the game Sims people generally create the life that would like to have. I have always created myself with a partener to start off with, I’ve never started off alone and I become a writer, my husband works and I pop out kids and that’s my life. J always starts off alone and usually stays that way, he works, plays games and plays music and if he runs out of life wishes to fulfill he might get married to someone on the way. It says a lot and actually worries me because I know his dream life would have been to be alone and have a computing/music career and I just happened to walk into his life for him to fall in love with me and ultimately fuck up his whole life plan. It’s not his fault he fell in love with me but maybe if he hadn’t have he would be happier now and less unwell. I never ever want to leave him and sometimes I feel selfish for feeling that way.

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Control

November 10, 2011

I have none. I really don’t. I watched “The 8 year old Anorexic” yesterday and I was shocked by it but my unstable mind was mostly thinking things like this:

“I wish I had that much control.

Look at all the attention she’s getting, maybe If I starved…

I wish I could starve myself, It’s so extreme even exciting.

I could be emotionally and physically unstable, then I would get looked after forever.”

Although having BPD can be unbearable at the same time to recover from my illness means not having reasons for people to look after me. If I’m ill I need help from people.

Now back to the self control, I write myself a note yesterday it said:

NO BURGERS.

NO PIZZA.

NO CHINESE.

Eat fruit.

Drink Water.

STOP EATING.

I was completely determined to do this, as I am every time I try and start something like this. But then my biggest addiction is food (after sex). It makes me feel so good and I can have it any time (unlike sex) I can just go into the kitchen and stuff my face and it feels so so good. The feeling I get from eating some delicious is euphoric. When I feel stressed or anxious (99.9% of the time, the 0.1% being after I’ve eaten) I eat but it’s not just simply eating it’s gorging myself until I feel sick. And it feels wonderful. I get so determined sometimes when I see anorexia programmes to just not eat and I make a plan but then I get hungry or I feel down and J will say I need to eat something and he’ll tell me that I’m allowed and I’ll use any excuse to stuff myself again. The thing is I feel so determined not to and then when it comes to it I really can’t stop. I can not eat but the days that I don’t I have a hell of a lot that I have done in that day so I have been too distracted to eat. It shows that I can do it I just need more distraction, like writing. I’m not craving anything right now because I’m distracted by this but as soon as I stop I know I’ll want to get some take-out. Although we do need to do food shopping today and I’m going to order loads of fruit because although fatty foods is very pleasurable, I had an apple yesterday and the sweetness was so delicious. So I think If I live off of apples, water, salads and sandwiches I’m not being too dangerous but I’m still tricking my brain into thinking I am by not eating loads of food. This isn’t about hurting myself as such, it’s about satisfying my mind into thinking I am because it is adamant on doing so.

People never think food is an addiction but it really is. Like anything can become an addiction. They just think people are fat and should stop eating, they don’t think that maybe this person is eating to stop all the hurt that is controlling their head. It’s such a stereotype to see a picture of a girl who has recently broken up with her boyfriend eating a big tub of ice cream. Food is a beautiful comfort. It used to just simply be for survival but with our over indulgence nowadays it’s normal to eat too much food just when we feel like it. I do get upset that I’ve put on two stone in a couple of months, I do but then when I feel shit I don’t care. I really don’t. Who cares If I’m huge, I want to eat, it’ll make me feel better. But then I know if I carry on like this by the age of 25 I’ll be so big that I’ll fall into a horrible depression. Then I’ll die. So I have two options, eat feel good, kill myself because I’m obese. Stop comfort eating, find distractions, potential of depression becoming more apparent due to not having comfort eating, kill self with depression.

At least the not eating has only a potential of suicide, right? Maybe I should try that one. Now I know there is one thing that could potentially balance the two things I would want. Eating food as much as I like but then not gaining any weight and abusing my body. But then after having a brief affair with vomiting numerous times a day and not eating a thing, I lost a tooth and losing my teeth is something that would cause any even worse depression than being fat. I can’t get my teeth back. It’s sad though because after I did all of this, I loved my body. I was size 12, I had never been size 12 before, I felt really feminine. It seems strange with the fact that I have constant stress and anxiety that I don’t lose weight but then it shows how much I do eat. I don’t go out a lot, which limits exercise but I do have a very high constant sex drive so that’s my majority exercise.

The reason behind BPD’s high sex drive and lack of self control is the extreme want of that thrill, that excitement to alleviate boredom and give pleasure. It takes you away from everything. The pleasure may not last as long as we wish but it’s something and if we can access it easily then all the better. Food is easy to get. Sex is easier to get if you’re in a relationship but then BPD promiscuity is of course a big issue in a relationship or not. I wouldn’t say it’s “sex addiction” I would call it simply addiction to things that make you feel good. Which with BPD is very limited. Simple things cannot please someone with BPD. I must say here again I am not promiscuous and I am faithful to J. But as a woman with a high sex drive, he can even  get frustrated with it. So I eat instead. When you’re so used to being ignored by parents as a child and often neglected you realise as you get older that sex can be a very good tool for attention. Again, I say this here that I know I’m started to sound like I sleep around and try and get men’s attention with my body but I’m only referring to the what I do around my Husband. My father loved my mother but only ever really wanted sex from her, so at a young age I learnt that men just want sex. Which, isn’t true but it is a dominating part of their lives. I won’t lie, I know women who when they feel a little neglected, walk past their partner in the nude and it usually get the desired result. Although I know that my husband doesn’t want JUST sex from me, it is so much easier to get his attention and time from offering it. It’s more enticing that sitting down for a nice chat. I just need to control it, I will use innuendos without noticing it and sometimes I just wish I would stop but then I’m so desperate for full attention that it just happens.

It’s sad to see how my father treats and looks at women because to a young daughter it teaches her to feel the need to degrade herself for a man to love her. I remember in the earlier stages of mine and J’s relationship and I would try and act a way that wasn’t me and he knew it. He would say to me, “you don’t have to do things like that to make me love you” and I was baffled. What was this? It had to be a trick. How could he love me if I didn’t take my top off. Was this what real, genuine men were like? It still confuses me and I’m still learning that J doesn’t just love me because I have breasts. My fathers view on women has really shaped the idea of who I am and his ideas are WRONG. We were be watching motorbike racing together and he would always say, “Look! You could be one of those starting line girl who wear mini shorts and hold up a sign”. He had some good future plans for me, he did. I know my dad was always a “lad” but then it doesn’t help your daughter to have any respect for herself. I never wore revealing clothes or caked my face in make-up. I had a lot of respect for my body and that was mainly down the the church I was in. But now I am not a part of it, I’m not AS strict as I was then. I still don’t walk around with my breasts out but If I want to wear a pair of shorts I will. J doesn’t like me wearing revealing clothing but he’s not one of those controlling men who will force me to change if I did. He just doesn’t want other men seeing me half naked.

Yes, I did completely steer off the subject but I always do.

I have learnt many dangerous things from my parents and this means that I do find it hard to have control over my actions because I know extreme actions get equally as extreme reactions. I would only get cared for if I was dying so sometimes dying can be very appealing. Not being dead, but dying. I want to be begged to stop harming myself. The fall that comes with that though is often with these actions, if you do them too many times, the person who has to experience what you’re doing can often just start to block it out. They think well you do this all the time and I give you the reaction you want yet you do it again so telling you I care doesn’t seem to help. As with everything, validation is temporary.

When being told to recover from BPD, it mean unlearning that bad things mean you get looked after. It means unlearning that para-suicide and suicide is the way to go when things get rough. It means unlearning that addictions will keep you going forever. But then it means learning that my husband does love me and I don’t need to keep asking him again and again and again whether he really does love me. It means learning that I have to look after myself sometimes and accept that everyone can’t look after me for me. It means learning Independence. It means you can’t just kill yourself when you miss the bus because you don’t want to have to feel any negative emotion. It means learning that food will help in the short term but in the long run your problems won’t just dissapear.

Both paths are hell but only one can lead to potential recovery. But then do I really want to recover. Not right now.

The reason I don’t go out much, why I study with distance courses is so I don’t have to be around people. Because the horror stories I hear about people with BPD  and how out of control their actions become scares me a lot. And I know I have a lack of control with sex, food and money and to put myself into the world gives a greater risk. I mean If I can have those problems when I don’t get out much what could happen if I were out there. I’m not willing to risk it.

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Celebrity Worship Syndrome

November 7, 2011

I searched this knowing that I would find some kind of mental illness attached to it. I didn’t know it would be so in depth though. The reason I’m writing this is for one reason. Merrill Osmond (who I will call MO in this article) of the Osmond Brothers is retiring. So what? You say.

Well when someone in your family has CWS and their celebrity obsessee is retiring, you will worry.

Let me give you a few wiki excerts about CWS:

“Psychologists in the U.S.A. and UK. created a celebrity worship scale to rate the problems. In 2002, United States psychologists Lynn McCutcheon, Rense Lange, and James Houran introduced the Celebrity Attitude Scale, a 34 item scale administered to 262 persons living in central Florida.[4] McCutcheon et al. suggested that celebrity worship comprised one dimension in which lower scores on the scale involved individualistic behavior such as watching, listening to, reading and learning about celebrities whilst the higher levels of worship are characterized by empathy, over-identification, and obsession with the celebrity.

However, later research among larger UK samples have suggested there are 3 different aspects to celebrity worship;[5] John Maltby (University of Leicester), and the aforementioned psychologists examined the Celebrity Attitude Scale among 1732 United Kingdom respondents (781 males, 942 females) who were aged between 14 and 62 years and found the following 3 dimensions to celebrity worship:

Entertainment-social

This dimension comprises attitudes that fans are attracted to a favorite celebrity because of their perceived ability to entertain and become a social focus such as “I love to talk with others who admire my favorite celebrity” and “I like watching and hearing about my favorite celebrity when I am with a large group of people”.

Intense-personal

Intense-personal aspect of celebrity worship reflects intensive and compulsive feelings about the celebrity, akin to the obsessional tendencies of fans often referred to in the literature; for example “I share with my favorite celebrity a special bond that cannot be described in words” and “When something bad happens to my favorite celebrity I feel like it happened to me’”.

Borderline-pathological

This dimension is typified by uncontrollable behaviors and fantasies regarding scenarios involving their celebrities, such as “I have frequent thoughts about my favorite celebrity, even when I don’t want to” and “my favorite celebrity would immediately come to my rescue if I needed any type of help”. ”

Now I would say that most of us experience the first one. We have a favorite celebrity and if something of theirs comes out to buy then we’ll buy it, this one doesn’t seem to be a large problem. The second one sounds like a lot of the fans who say “Justin Bieber is my life” and they are usually quite young. They generally grow out of it as they mature. Now the 3rd one shows some mental health problems, delusional thoughts about someone they don’t know personally.

My mother is the majority intense- personal but can be borderline-pathological.

“Evidence indicates that poor mental health is correlated with celebrity worship. Researchers have examined the relationship between celebrity worship and mental health in United Kingdom adult samples. Maltby et al. (2001) found evidence to suggest that the intense-personal celebrity worship dimension was related to higher levels of depression and anxiety. Similarly, Maltby et al., in 2004, found that the intense-personal celebrity worship dimension was not only related to higher levels of depression and anxiety, but also higher levels of stress, negative affect, and reports of illness.”

People who become obsessed with things generally have a problem. They have holes in their lives that they fill with things, routines and people. It’s normal to want to do it but sometimes it can go too far.

Celebrity Worship syndrome I would say is one of the main causes of my BPD. My mother’s obsession lead to me feeling lesser than MO and less loved than he was by her. She would pay and still does hundreds of pounds of items of his clothing or stupid items he had touched. They hang on her bedroom walls along with thousands (literally) of pictures and posters of him. She turned the marital bedroom into a shrine and my dad now has his own room. She has no money and numerous credit cards. She works to so she can see MO while my dad worked for me and mum. Everything she did and does is for him. She would leave frequently to other contries to where he was often leaving me with a very mentally unwell father. My feelings of abandonment come from my mother leaving me for MO more than once a year, without telling me beforehand so as not to upset me. Although not being told meant that she would leave unexpectedly and it made like seem very unpredictable. It often reminds of the Strange Situation I started off as the secure child, crying when she left, happy she was home but the more and more it happened the more I became Anxious-resistant insecure, I would cry when she left and when she came home, I would be resistant and not want to see her and accept her holiday present with reluctance. It was a difficult pattern and when your parent has CWS you start to hate the Celebrity more and more. She believes that MO can solves all of her problems, he can cure her sorrows and troubles. She won’t listen if you tell her that he will never fall in love with her and that he isn’t interested in making her life better because he has his own life. He may recognise her when she goes to see him but when she pours out her soul about all of her problems, he can’t do anything about it and he knows it’s not his place to. In ways he has crossed boundaries because he is such a nice person and does want to help but then she sees this as him loving her and wanting to save her from her misery. I remember when I met MO it felt very strange, he was so lovely that I wondered why I hated him in the first place, then I realised I shouldn’t have been directing my hatred towards him because it’s not his fault he’s alive. Then it started turning more towards my mother. She believes she is in love with him. But infatuation and obsession is not love. It’s not love at all.

Just thinking about it is reducing me to tears. She always loved him more and she still does. Dad has even said it too, she loves MO more than both of us. Now MO is retiring at the end of next year and I’m scared mum is going to die. She always told me if anything happened and she couldn’t see him again she would kill herself. If I died she wouldn’t kill herself because she would still have MO in her life. Surely it should be the other way around?

How am I supposed to deal with that? How as I child was I supposed to deal with that? Knowing you aren’t as good as some strange in your mothers life.

Edit: I remembered I had this picture that I took of a list I found written by my mother.

If you can’t read it, it says.

List of blessings that I am grateful for!

Merrill.

My hair.

A good pair of working eyes.

My beautiful cat.

Microwave.

Savannah (I scribbled out my real name on paint to protect anon)

I was last on her list and in a different pen to everything else, meaning I wasn’t originally added but was thought about at a later point. Sure I’m on the list I guess but to be below the microwave and her hair…

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Afraid to be me.

November 4, 2011

You’d think in the world of anonymous blogging it wouldn’t matter what you would write because only a few people really know who you are. Yet I still panic about what I write. In a world of mentalist writing surely you wouldn’t fear as much judgement because hey, everyone is in basically the same boat. But the thing I struggle with most is writing about my girly side with fear of being called stupid. It’s hard to feel beautiful nowadays with the ideal of also being smart. If a girl is beautiful or likes things like painting her nails or shoes she is generally stereotyped as being brainless and fake. When a girl says she loves shoes you probably picture a skinny, blonde girl with a chihuahua in a bag and this needs to stop. I end up judging myself. I feel nervous If I look too nice in case people think I’m stupid or a slut. If you don’t wear enough clothes, you’re a whore. If you cover everything up, you’re unattractive and won’t put out. Woman can’t do anything these days without being degraded. Smart woman are a threat and no way attractive because they could become more powerful than a man and they don’t want that. It’s so hard because it’s not just men doing the judging, it’s women too. For example, I was watching My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding and the girls don’t wear much when they go out and my mother looked at them disgusted and said they were sluts. These girls get married young and only sleep with one man their whole lives yet just by what they are wearing we feel the right to call them sluts, which I thought meant sleeping around with loads of men with no intention to commit (I’m not saying that anyone who does that is a slut but that is what the definition of that term is). Or am I missing something?

I am intelligent. Really. I got an A*, 2 A’s and 7 B’s at GCSE level and only left school due to mental health problems. I love learning, I love reading books and I am facsinated by people.

I feel like I need to go to some kind of rehab group and tell my deep dark secrets.

My name is Savannah, I’m smart and I like watching Toddlers and Tiaras.

Now smart girls shouldn’t watch “mindless girly drivel”, how dare they try and confuse us. Maybe they’re lying to us and trying to pretend they’re smart. I mean anyone who enjoys watching little girls turned into little whores would be stupid. This is the kind of judgment I fear. I see a lot of hatred towards some of the TV programmes I watch and people say how stupid the person is who watches it. Surely people can just judge the programme without demonising their viewers too.

I’m going to give you a few examples of programme I watch and why I enjoy them.

Toddlers and Tiaras- As a little girl I would have given the world to have felt beautiful when I was being slapped and told how undesirable I was. To see little girls feeling beautiful makes me happy for them. Yes, I know this is extreme and the wrong way to do it but for the girls who enjoy it, I think they should be allowed to do so. I disagree with the forcing of children into it which you do see as well. But it’s just the fact that in a way they are living my dream as a little girl (psychologically). I have many arguments against pageants, as anyone does but then when I’m watching it I’m in a very child-like mindset, enjoying the sparkles and the pretty things.

Don’t tell the Bride- I love this show mainly because woman always have this huge idea of their ideal wedding and think they are the only ones who do it perfect and in the end, the husband (usually) gets it right and it makes them realise that as long as they are getting married, it doesn’t matter if the dress is big or the flowers are sparkling, marrying the person they love is what makes the day perfect. Plus it can be funny seeing how useless men are at clothes shopping 😉

The X factor- Like toddlers and tiaras, it’s like watching other people live your dreams. I would love to sing for a living. Yes, some of them are really awful but once it gets near the end and you’re left with the people who really want it, then it becomes more watchable. Everyone has dreams and I get very emotional when someone gets through and their whole life is suddenly turned upside down for the better. It can be very harsh to people but I just try and focus on trying to make my favorite act’s dream come true.

My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding- I loved this show. There aren’t many traditional people nowadays and I think tradition can be a good thing. It’s what generally holds a community together. A lot of people disliked the fact that the girls were married so young and weren’t allowed to do much with their lives, yet there was a girl who got herself a job willingly and the others could if they wanted but they choose it themselves. If they didn’t want to marry young, I’m sure they wouldn’t so why say they shouldn’t be pushed into it? You see the girls so excited about getting married and having their dress made and starting a life with their husband. If they were sitting there crying saying they didn’t want to get married then you can complain but i don’t think it’s right to try and make people choose what you think is right against what they want. I loved the show and their amazing over extravagant  dresses and I hope they will be happy. People focus so much on what would make them happy they forget that everyone is different. I loved learning about a new culture and seeing how different they are.

Now I’ll give you an overall reason why I watch what I would call “trash TV” due to it’s views by smart people. I am facinated by human beings. I like TV about real people, in real life situations, especially the out of the ordinary. I watch these programmes because I find it fascinating how different people can be from different cultures and backgrounds. I watch stupid TV for smart reasons. I’m sure psychologists all love some reality programmes because they get to see how people behave in given situations. Humanity is amazing and usually the shows about people on TV are those who have very extreme lives in comparison to our norms and that’s what makes it so gripping. We are naturally drawn to things we don’t quite get or haven’t seen before and it does scare us but then we want to know more. About a month ago, I watched a programme called “LadyBoys” and I know a good few people who would think I was disgusting for watching it but then It shows how closed minded that person probably is. It wasn’t anything sexual or pornographic, it was simply about men from different cultures who felt they were in the wrong bodies and had sex changes. I think it’s wonderful to see people becoming who they are with no shame and no fear. It’s liberating yet so difficult. I watched that TV show because I wanted to understand how they felt so that I has a better understanding of transexuals because Ignorance is never useful. I may not know any transexuals but If I met someone who was transexual seeing a programme like that would make me less likely to be confused and scared at how to react towards them. Knowledge is power but knowledge can also be acceptance.

One last thing is accepting yourself. The fact that I feel ashamed to watch these programmes shows that I potentially feel the same way as those who judge the viewers of the above. Or I just know how others may feel if they knew so I feel like I’m not allowed to be anything other than what they want. Whatever it is I am trying to be less judgemental.

I am a female, I like videos games, reading books and blogging. But I also like painting my nails, watching wedding programmes and love things that sparkle. I don’t like politics and I’m not into Science. And I am still smart.

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The drinking culture.

October 17, 2011

There are two kinds of people who don’t drink. The extreme religious types and recovering alcoholics. I am neither and I don’t drink, yes I used to be very religious and learned my morals from a church but now I am no longer part of a religion I have chosen to keep the values which I feel will benefit my life. I don’t know if I will ever understand the concept of getting drunk for fun. I am not slating any of you who drink as I respect your right do to so, so please don’t attack me unnecessarily. I just don’t get it? I understand how someone would drink to numb the pain or self abuse but for fun? I am someone who constantly feels out of control and the last thing I would want is to really be out of control. As a young adult it does make me feel a bit of an outcast that I don’t want to drink alcohol and get drunk but then I’ve tried it once or twice and just felt like a fraud. It just wasn’t me, it wasn’t what I wanted to do. So now I’m weird because I don’t do it. I just don’t see how making an idiot out of yourself and then throwing up continuously can be seen as exciting? It sounds frightening to me. I don’t want to lose self respect or wonder who I may have slept with. I’ve had so many people really attack me for saying I don’t want to drink, it’s like instead of people hearing “I don’t like drinking alcohol” they hear “I hate black people”. I wrote this post because I was discussing Uni with a friend and he said “I’ve heard the first year of Uni is great because you get to get pissed all the time!” Great…I thought, isn’t University about studying for your future? All I hear outside my window every night are drunk people screaming or shouting at or attacking each other and it makes me scared. I remember a “friend” who said I was very high and mighty because I don’t like getting drunk and I just felt like I was talking to a brick wall. Everything I said was wrong and to him I hated everyone who drank alcohol but that’s not true. I dislike the alcohol. I have people in my family who NEED to drink to be sociable or loosen up and it makes me sad that they can’t achieve these things without being a little intoxicated. It’s a problem that nobody sees as a problem. We should be able to have fun without alcohol shouldn’t we? I can’t even count how many time I’ve heard “How can you have fun without drinking?!” And I just think well, I just don’t drink and enjoy other people’s company or whatever I’m doing. Isn’t it that simple? I’m not saying don’t have a drink to have fun I’m just saying people shouldn’t think it’s impossible to enjoy life without a few drinks. I’ve known alcoholics and how destroyed their lives can become and how it effects the people around them. Yet we freely allow ourselves to say “I need a few drinks to get loosened up.” There shouldn’t be a need…right? Or am I just horribly ignorant…Why am I so horribly different? And why do I have to feel so outcast because I want to have control and don’t enjoy the taste of alcohol. I don’t understand. All addictions are harmful and I just wish people were more careful. There are so many people who when they are upset, get a drink. That’s one of the bad habits that can turn anyone into an alcoholic. And nobody deserves to have to suffer with addiction. That’s why I don’t drink. If only I didn’t feel the need to have an excuse to not drink.

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Children’s movies and bright eyes.

August 28, 2011

I often notice my inner child come out with I’m with my husband. He allows me to be a child and not feel embarrassed. I can watch children’s TV and cuddle a toy and he will stroke my hair and let me feel comforted. It may sound strange but my therapists have all said for me to have some time to be a child.  I don’t have many cuddly toys but my therapist told me to buy one special toy to have as a comfort. He is a wonderful penguin and he is a great healer and comforter. When I’m feeling upset my husband always brings him to me. It sounds strange even reading it to myself. I really am quite emotionally immature.

People with borderline personality disorder do have the emotional intelligence of a child due to things that may have happened to them. We may lack understanding due to confusion when we are actually children. Personally for me I had two very contrasting and chaotic parents, one parent is sex obsessed and lives on porn and the other thinks anything sexual is bad and wrong, for example. What does a child believe? Now imagine that happens with a lot of other life lessons, contrasting views, where each parent may change their view from one second to the next. Your mind gets scrambled and when you grow up you try and think what you believe but then you aren’t so sure. And with parents like that it is almost impossible to ever be a child. You have to be the adult and I was the only adult in my household. I took care of them.

Most of my family would think it weird or stupid if they knew J indulged in me acting like a child. But it’s not like I go out in public in children’s clothing and wear a dummy, I just allow myself to regress into a childlike state to experience the comfort from J that I never got as a child. When I’m in that state of mind I love watching children’s movies and my eyes light up with excitement when I see a pretty princess or a talking turtle, I sometimes even point and say “look darling that turtle talks!” almost in a child’s voice. It’s such a wonderful feeling. It can also block out the things that are happening around me because I’m a child so they no longer concern me. These behaviours have never worried me because they’ve never lasted for an extended period or to a worrying extent. I’m just able to enjoy being young. Surely when you’ve had no childhood it’s natural to try and be a child when you are out of the situation that took your childhood from you. I have a nice balance though because I am always very adult any other time but as soon as I get to watch a good cartoon or kid’s movie I have the childhood I wasn’t allowed! I hope to watch a turtle’s tale later 🙂