Archive for the ‘Crazy’ Category

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Celebrity Worship Syndrome

November 7, 2011

I searched this knowing that I would find some kind of mental illness attached to it. I didn’t know it would be so in depth though. The reason I’m writing this is for one reason. Merrill Osmond (who I will call MO in this article) of the Osmond Brothers is retiring. So what? You say.

Well when someone in your family has CWS and their celebrity obsessee is retiring, you will worry.

Let me give you a few wiki excerts about CWS:

“Psychologists in the U.S.A. and UK. created a celebrity worship scale to rate the problems. In 2002, United States psychologists Lynn McCutcheon, Rense Lange, and James Houran introduced the Celebrity Attitude Scale, a 34 item scale administered to 262 persons living in central Florida.[4] McCutcheon et al. suggested that celebrity worship comprised one dimension in which lower scores on the scale involved individualistic behavior such as watching, listening to, reading and learning about celebrities whilst the higher levels of worship are characterized by empathy, over-identification, and obsession with the celebrity.

However, later research among larger UK samples have suggested there are 3 different aspects to celebrity worship;[5] John Maltby (University of Leicester), and the aforementioned psychologists examined the Celebrity Attitude Scale among 1732 United Kingdom respondents (781 males, 942 females) who were aged between 14 and 62 years and found the following 3 dimensions to celebrity worship:

Entertainment-social

This dimension comprises attitudes that fans are attracted to a favorite celebrity because of their perceived ability to entertain and become a social focus such as “I love to talk with others who admire my favorite celebrity” and “I like watching and hearing about my favorite celebrity when I am with a large group of people”.

Intense-personal

Intense-personal aspect of celebrity worship reflects intensive and compulsive feelings about the celebrity, akin to the obsessional tendencies of fans often referred to in the literature; for example “I share with my favorite celebrity a special bond that cannot be described in words” and “When something bad happens to my favorite celebrity I feel like it happened to me’”.

Borderline-pathological

This dimension is typified by uncontrollable behaviors and fantasies regarding scenarios involving their celebrities, such as “I have frequent thoughts about my favorite celebrity, even when I don’t want to” and “my favorite celebrity would immediately come to my rescue if I needed any type of help”. ”

Now I would say that most of us experience the first one. We have a favorite celebrity and if something of theirs comes out to buy then we’ll buy it, this one doesn’t seem to be a large problem. The second one sounds like a lot of the fans who say “Justin Bieber is my life” and they are usually quite young. They generally grow out of it as they mature. Now the 3rd one shows some mental health problems, delusional thoughts about someone they don’t know personally.

My mother is the majority intense- personal but can be borderline-pathological.

“Evidence indicates that poor mental health is correlated with celebrity worship. Researchers have examined the relationship between celebrity worship and mental health in United Kingdom adult samples. Maltby et al. (2001) found evidence to suggest that the intense-personal celebrity worship dimension was related to higher levels of depression and anxiety. Similarly, Maltby et al., in 2004, found that the intense-personal celebrity worship dimension was not only related to higher levels of depression and anxiety, but also higher levels of stress, negative affect, and reports of illness.”

People who become obsessed with things generally have a problem. They have holes in their lives that they fill with things, routines and people. It’s normal to want to do it but sometimes it can go too far.

Celebrity Worship syndrome I would say is one of the main causes of my BPD. My mother’s obsession lead to me feeling lesser than MO and less loved than he was by her. She would pay and still does hundreds of pounds of items of his clothing or stupid items he had touched. They hang on her bedroom walls along with thousands (literally) of pictures and posters of him. She turned the marital bedroom into a shrine and my dad now has his own room. She has no money and numerous credit cards. She works to so she can see MO while my dad worked for me and mum. Everything she did and does is for him. She would leave frequently to other contries to where he was often leaving me with a very mentally unwell father. My feelings of abandonment come from my mother leaving me for MO more than once a year, without telling me beforehand so as not to upset me. Although not being told meant that she would leave unexpectedly and it made like seem very unpredictable. It often reminds of the Strange Situation I started off as the secure child, crying when she left, happy she was home but the more and more it happened the more I became Anxious-resistant insecure, I would cry when she left and when she came home, I would be resistant and not want to see her and accept her holiday present with reluctance. It was a difficult pattern and when your parent has CWS you start to hate the Celebrity more and more. She believes that MO can solves all of her problems, he can cure her sorrows and troubles. She won’t listen if you tell her that he will never fall in love with her and that he isn’t interested in making her life better because he has his own life. He may recognise her when she goes to see him but when she pours out her soul about all of her problems, he can’t do anything about it and he knows it’s not his place to. In ways he has crossed boundaries because he is such a nice person and does want to help but then she sees this as him loving her and wanting to save her from her misery. I remember when I met MO it felt very strange, he was so lovely that I wondered why I hated him in the first place, then I realised I shouldn’t have been directing my hatred towards him because it’s not his fault he’s alive. Then it started turning more towards my mother. She believes she is in love with him. But infatuation and obsession is not love. It’s not love at all.

Just thinking about it is reducing me to tears. She always loved him more and she still does. Dad has even said it too, she loves MO more than both of us. Now MO is retiring at the end of next year and I’m scared mum is going to die. She always told me if anything happened and she couldn’t see him again she would kill herself. If I died she wouldn’t kill herself because she would still have MO in her life. Surely it should be the other way around?

How am I supposed to deal with that? How as I child was I supposed to deal with that? Knowing you aren’t as good as some strange in your mothers life.

Edit: I remembered I had this picture that I took of a list I found written by my mother.

If you can’t read it, it says.

List of blessings that I am grateful for!

Merrill.

My hair.

A good pair of working eyes.

My beautiful cat.

Microwave.

Savannah (I scribbled out my real name on paint to protect anon)

I was last on her list and in a different pen to everything else, meaning I wasn’t originally added but was thought about at a later point. Sure I’m on the list I guess but to be below the microwave and her hair…

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It’s not acceptable.

December 24, 2010

I know you probably still read this blog after blocking
communication with me, you got mad at me and blocked me online and
I felt so relieved. You had no right to get mad at me, you made me
uncomfortable, I am over 30 years younger than you and you would
say things that were damn right innapropriate, you would say you
loved me and that I was beautiful and it made me so anxious.
Basically, It’s really creepy for an older man to say these things
to someone who is 18. I know you make other people nervous too, you
need to set some boundaries, you shouls tell your wife you love her
but not young girls, especially not me and my best friend. You made
J nervous too, he didnt know you well and you were saying you loved
me. You actually argued with J and it basically ended up as an
argument over me! What is wrong with you? You don’t argue over
someones girlfriend! I’m too scared to make new friendships now
because I’m worried that they may try and be too close to me, that
they might become creepy and make me so uncomfortable. I hate
myself for letting it get that far but I’ve never learnt how to set
boundaries and the only way I knew was to keep ignoring you unto
you left me alone because you got mad. Maybe one day you’ll learn
some boundaries. I wish others would tell you though because
they’ve sure told me. I am terrified of you. Utterly terrified. My
social anxiety has amplified. You said that you had another friend
with BPD and that she didnt want to see you anymore. You blamed her
BPD but no it is you, you are clingy, I know you may still blame
the illness but as I said I know people who have told me you scare
them too. Dont send me another card or any texts. Delete my number.
Your card arrived and I started shaking, get away from me. Maybe
one day I can have friends again without having to worry they will
be inappropriately close to me.

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“You can’t share.”

December 6, 2010

It’s a fact, I can’t. But I’m not talking about possessions, I’m talking about people. I can share SOME people but to be able to do that I have to disconnect emotionally from them and reconnect when they are “mine” again. I can do this with most friends. But I’m sure you can guess, the one I can’t bear to emotionally disconnect from.

J says I can’t share him, well no I can’t. Don’t see why I should find it easy to share him, I am in love with the poor bugger and emotionally screwed up. Of course I will cling for dear life to the only person who I feel have truely deeply and emotionally loved me in spite of everything. I’m not going to let him run off with other people am I?  I know I need to somehow through my CBT be able to feel more comfortable about it but it’s yet to be worked on and as I have about 3 months left I doubt, unless it was the only topic discussed, it’ll work out all nice and I’m able to share him with the world. No chance.

He always say it’s because I’m an only child but it’s not, it’s because I terrified of losing him to other people. I’m scared that he’ll enjoy their company more than mine and then leave me, realising how terribly boring I am in comparison. I become so upset and distressed and angry. Mostly angry. Really angry. &*%^$%$£^£&£*&$*$*$$!”$%^&$YRTFG. Like that 😀

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Appearance can be deceiving.

December 1, 2010

I thought I’d write about the outward views many people have on mental illness. Have you ever had anyone say to you “but you look normal.” when you’ve said that you have a mental illness? I often wonder what a mentally ill person is supposed to look like…

Do I walk around in a straight jacket? Would I then fit the criteria for what I am to look like. I don’t believe my family are able to understand the extent and severity of my illness due to being “normal” around them. Theyve never seen a panic attack or angry “I’ll kill myself” outburst and the reason for that is because I repress my feelings around them. There is no way I would show my vulnerability infront of them because I know they wouldn’t know how to handle it and would from then on judge me. Because of this, it means it l comes out infront of J, I’m not afraid to let it all out infront of him because I know I won’t be judged and I feel so utterly comfortable with him I probably wouldnt even feel mental rolling on the floor naked shouting “cupcakes!”. I remember last christmas I felt so utterly depressed and all I wanted was to sleep and my family wouldnt let me, I was forced to get up and join in with the “fesitivities”.

Don’t think you have to look downtrodden to be depressed, some people have had to put that happy face facade on for aslong as they’ve known.

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Disgusting.

November 21, 2010

Well from the last post you can tell what a disgusting little shit I am. God, shouldn’t I be executed. No, I shouldnt be dissapointed at all, no surprises at all, it’s how I see myself when I’m in utter deep depression but I didn’t know so much that others saw me that way too! I’m always enemy number 1 in my world, I can’t get things right, I’m just a general big fuck up. And a pitiful one at that. I shouldn’t expect good things because then I’ll only be unhappy. I regret promising not to hurt myself really because now the only punishment is not being able to be punished and I’m sure so many would love to beat me as my parents loved to for being such a “useless child” as they would say. Give me an excuse to do something crazy or put the mental bitch down. This week 2 people in my life died, I found a dead cat in the road and my dad’s CPN is leaving so I can joyfully be his carer for the rest of his awful life. And I deserve it all, I don’t deserve to feel anything for these things, why should I be allowed to cry. Useless and disgusting.

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Dr L part 4: Not much to report.

October 20, 2010

I think if I tell you about every session with Dr L it will only get you terribly repetitive. We talked about my fear of recovery affecting my writing, she reassured me that recovery is the key to real life changing writing. That my writing won’t dissapear because I can’t write about being ill but it will give so much more to write about. I told her about how I called a friend about a problem I was having and she had a grin on her face (I have dependency problems and only really go to my boyfriend about my issues). I don’t know…I don’t feel that CBT after only 4 sessions can suddenly have a big change on my life so I don’t want to think of it that way as we haven’t have enough time to really work through things thouroughly enough. I’ll just see them as random acts that I chose to do on my ways to recovery- which is fricking terrifying.

Now after my appointment my dad’s psych arranged an appointment for him straight after which I attended. His CPN, B, was also there. B knows me well as I’m always there when he comes to see dad. I recognised Dr G and wonder if she had some role in my childhood like my psych Dr SJS, I mean the receptionist welcomes my dad by first name when he comes in. Anyway, this was all to do with my dad’s increased anxiety and restlessness and they came to the conclusion to remove the Citilopram and carry on with sodium valporate and risperidone. So if he’s down in the next week I’ll know why. I think I fear Mania and Psychosis more than Depression and B is going to be coming over every now and then to see how things are. Then we spoke about the MH social groups dad attends and how they are now making people pay if they have over a certain amount of income. Unlucky for dad he’s just got an endowment through and the mortgage is already paid so now he is above the limit of money and would have to pay £35 a week to go to his groups. What a joke. According to the bank, the benefits dad’s getting right now means that all his money will be gone in 5 years. This is before any cuts. So he may be losing a social group, which is so beneficial and all because he has money and doesn’t want to pay £35 a week because of household bills already eating £400 a month of his money. Is anyone really winning with this?

Anyway, Dr G said that apparently if you’ve been hospitalised and classified as section 3 then you can get it free whatever money you earn but dad had only been section 2. So dad mimicked strangling me and we all laughed…I felt a little uncomfortable though.

The things you have to find funny when your life is crap, eh? So basically…dad’s being taken off anti D’s and he’s too rich and not crazy enough to have free socialisation …Hm.

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Splitting, Dying and Risperidone.

October 6, 2010

Don’t worry guys I’m not dying, It all fits in with my 2nd CBT session which I forgot to write about, oops. Well last Tuesday I wrote a post about some horrible nostalgia I was feeling, it ended in a full blown panic attack of self harm, tears and feeling like I was really dying. The feelings I had inside of me of such panic and fear make me feel like it was really the end. I was sure I was going to die right then and there, one stupid thing I didn’t think was to take my medication, I was in such a state I forgot I even had them and since then I’ve been taking them everyday (they are to take when needed) because the initial panic attack causes days of anxiety to follow. I can’t explain how it feels but I thought “feeling like this makes me want to die”, it’s so painful, so frightening it seems like there is no way out. It now reminds me of a song by a friend of mine, let me share some words with you to explain:

“Familiar claws pierce into my skin as the rush of fear overwhelms me, I am alone, I am torn open again.”

“You watch me slowly unravel to the floor as the world stops turning, Fragments borne of the shattered self too small to piece back together again.

Through the hazy mist of tears hasty glances, Walking by now rustling papers to drown out the sound of the girl going crazy and losing the will to live.”

My biggest fear is losing love. So any small kink in my relationship sends me into a fearful frenzy because I know that if it ended then I wouldn’t last very long. I know it sounds extreme but to feel that panic and fear  is unbearable even for a minute let alone months even years. The last time I had a panic attack this bad I ended up in hospital and was told I would be put on the psych ward but of course they didn’t have any space so sent me home, suicidal and unsafe. I think from experience I know that the feeling of the attack did dissapear so I think that knowledge is what kept me going through this one. And sleeping, sleeping definately saved me. Fortunately I had a CBT appointment the next morning, I was in shaking, sweating and when I sat down I couldn’t keep myself from rocking to calm the nausea. Dr L got me some water and put the bin next to me incase I was feeling sick and I explained how I felt and why I felt that way. She didn’t make it the same as the first CBT session because she could tell I was in a bad way. She took a while teaching me breathing exercises to calm my breathing which reduced my heart rate by about ten beats per minute but still very high nontheless. I spoke to her about my nerves about J’s birthday and how I was worried about him turning 18 and going off into the world without me. Once again she weighed up evidence for and against my fears and made me feel safer. One thing that surprised me was that she picked up on some serious splitting and impulsivity within what I was saying and I didn’t even notice it. Acting upon these bad feelings immediately and either self harming, trying to kill myself or ending my relationship for some unknown reason just felt like a way to release the bad feelings, I didn’t notice the trademark BPD impulsivity. I saw my BPD traits as the self harm and the tantrums, I knew I had impulsivity and splitting but not to such an extent she made me realise. She explained how what I was telling her all seemed very black and white and I just couldn’t believe I’d never noticed how black and white it really was. I would never give myself a middle ground. It’s either feel this way forever or die. Get mad at boyfriend, immediately leave him. There’s no thinking through, no middle ground, I was shocked. I’d never felt so borderline in my life! I’m grateful for Dr L she helps me see things I don’t even notice. I must admit though from past experience I have started being less impulsive and recognising that feelings will pass and things will be okay. Thinking things through has become a small habit, I only do it when It’s life or death but I guess it’s a start and the best possible time. 

I explained how CAMHS had dealt with these attacks so she had an understanding of how terrible it’d been handled before. The structure that is within CBT is so reassuring. I left there feeling a little nauseous but less so, I felt a lot better. The guilt I have from having these feelings makes everything worse. I feel guilty for having BPD and feeling how I do, yet I don’t feel in control of my own feelings most of them time. Feeling guilt over something that isn’t your fault I feel is such a big problem with Mental Illness because other people blame you for the things you cannot control.

Since all of this I’ve had to take my risperidone regularly which I’m a little worried about because my psychiatrist said it may make me obese, lovely. I don’t know when the anxiety will fade but hopefully it’ll be soon. From experience these attacks don’t happen to close to eachother even though I hope each time I’ll never have another. I have noticed a difference this time though, I’ve never had meds to help me through and now I do.

Well that was my update for now, It shows I’m feeling better because I’m able to write again. Keep going. Savannah xx