Archive for the ‘Disappointment’ Category

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Why do we always want things we can’t have?

October 18, 2011

I have always been like this with almost everything in my life. I’ll want something so much because someone said no and then if I do get it, I get bored of it and no longer want it.  I don’t know whether it’s part of the childish attributes of BPD. I think that’s why consistency and commitment are so difficult because when we do get what we want we no longer want it anymore or it isn’t as amazing as it used to be. It feels like nothing is ever enough and never will be. It’s difficult to write this because I don’t want to upset anyone in my life who reads this.

All I want them to know if I am trying so hard everyday to not be like that. To try and appreciate things that I do have instead of always wanting more. I know J feels that nothing he ever does is good enough because that’s how I make him feel. And in all honesty I know my expectations of him are beyond what any human being could give and that I don’t appreciate him enough. My parents never taught me to appreciate, they taught me to want want want. My mother in her debts and my father in his sexual endeavors and potential marital rapes. I have never felt good enough meaning that I tend to treat others like they aren’t good enough because then I feel better about myself. If they are good enough then why aren’t I? I can be a bully. A horrible bully and yet it seems to only be to the closest person in my life. And I know why I do it. I know he loves me and I know that no matter what I did or said he would still love me, so I abuse that. I know anyone would leave and not put up with me. But he knows that I do it because I hurt and that I don’t mean any of it. He understands why I act the way I do. And no, I’m not saying he should put  up with it but for people with BPD, someone who will stick with you through the awful things that go through you and out into the world, is rare.

I called this post what I did because I was just thinking of how much I pined after this boy at church for 3 years knowing he didn’t like me yet a few seconds of getting to know other people and I found the person I would marry. I spent so long trying to live in a fantasy world of what I couldn’t have that I could have missed the most important person in my life. I often wonder what would have happened if I stepped out of my fantasy world maybe even a year earlier? Or even earlier than that, I mean my now husband was there just as long as this other boy I was just too stupid to notice. I know if my best friend is reading this she will definitely agree with me there! It was like the fact that he didn’t want me made me hold on longer because it was more exciting that way. But then someone who wanted me and I wanted too was so much more wonderful. I didn’t have to live in a fake fantasy world because it became real and that was when I realised that the other boy was immature and a bully because he laughed at me with my new choice of happiness because I was no longer interested in him so all he could do was mock me.

I remember only ever liking 2 boys a lot before my husband, both of whom were my friends first and I knew didn’t like me in that way. Yet in a way it was a comfort that I couldn’t have what I wanted because then I couldn’t lose it. I think that’s one of the things that is behind wanting what you can’t have because if you want something you do have and you lose it, you get hurt. If you want something you can’t have you can enjoy wanting it and the anticipation of maybe getting it with the comfort of not being able to lose it. I imagine that if either of those boys did like me back, it wouldn’t have lastest because it was just a fantasy and if they really wanted me then I would have probably avoided them or gone into it and then realised I just enjoyed the fantasy of what things would be like. Of course it would never be that way! I was a teenage girl full of romantic ideas for goodness sake. The difference with J is that it didn’t start off with pining of one person to another. It started with mutual affection so we both shared the same lovely idea of what it would be  like to be together so we were able to settle into a relationship together without years of imagining the wonderful, perfect life we would have (it is far from perfect). We could start off together and build things together instead of making up all these fantasy stories beforehand!

But of course because I’d gotten what I wanted it caused problems. I had/have high expectations as I said before and as it was my first relationship I didn’t have a clue what to expect or how I would behave in a relationship. Now, I am chaotic in a relationship. I’m jealous, controlling and a bit mental. But then I am very affection, protective and will do anything for him. Most men/boys run a mile at the thought of a controlling woman. But neither of us knew I was like that until we were in a relationship so he was able to see my family and the way they were and the way I was brought up, so when I became chaotic or controlling he already understood why. It was all very strange for me and he was very clingy, well at least I think so, I have nothing to compare. But I guess I thought that because I don’t have affectionate parents and as an only child with distant parents I was used to being alone. Cuddling was comforting but awkward, I wanted to love it as a child would from a parent, feeling safe and loved but as my experience of love and affection went, it never lasted long and was often met with hostility soon after for no known reason. So I was very anxious. My best friend often said to me how I would sometimes push him away if he was holding me too much or being too close. It was my way of being defensive I guess. But I’m still learning. I love cuddling now and feel eased with how clingy he can be. I don’t call it clingy anymore because I noticed how when my parents would be unpleasant to me, it was then that he become more “clingy”. It wasn’t clingyness, it was protection. He could feel my vulnerability. He does feel my vulnerability. It is very hard for me when I am upset with something to be hugged because I have always dealt with my emotions alone and I am unable to let someone get too close at such a vulnerable time. Usually I will cry on my own, stomp around, maybe scream a little or sometimes cut and then when I have been able to be alone in my pain I am able to let J in and let him hold me. but it is still very hard.

I always digress, back to the point, this new thing called a relationship was very anxiety provoking. I broke up with J numerous times because I just didn’t know how to be a couple AND an independent person. I felt if I had to have my own life path I couldn’t also have a relationship because I can’t be both me and a relationship. I still struggle with this. The jealousy and paranoia I felt was making being in a relationship hard so sometimes it was like the lesser of two evils. Be in a relationship and suffer paranoia, anger and jealousy or leave him and feel like a little bit of you just died. Of course I decided to suffer for love and just work on myself. Yes I still struggle being in a relationship but I know that I won’t always. I sometimes get bored of being in a relationship because I have it but then remember that when I didn’t have a relationship with him anymore I wanted and needed it a lot more and that boredom will come with familiarity, that’s why relationships need constant work and change. Ups and downs are normal and breaking up isn’t the answer to making me want it anymore. I need to learn to want the things I do have instead of craving what I don’t because if I don’t I could ruin a lot of good thing I have which, BPD is generally associated with. Sabotaging the good things in your life because you feel you don’t deserve it or convince yourself you no longer want them because you want more to fill that hideous hole inside.

We want what we can’t have because we don’t appreciate enough what we already have.

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Uncomfortably pretty.

July 2, 2011

As a child, I was never really that pretty, I was made fun of for being quite unattractive actually. I know that I have gotten prettier as I’ve gotten older but there are just times where feeling attractive makes me uncomfortable. I started growing my hair longer recently and I looked more feminine and pretty and it just didn’t feel right. Feeling attractive made me almost angry, I wasn’t me anymore. So I chopped off my hair and feel more like me. But now I feel less feminine and consequently less attractive. It reminds me of the video “fucking perfect” by Pink, where the girl is constantly trying to be what is widely thought as pretty but in the end realizes she has her own way of being pretty, her own identity. I just wish I could achieve this but having identity confusion means I’m changing styles all the time. One minute, I like one thing and the next I like the complete opposite. I can’t just feel like, well…me. Some things look so great on someone and it seems like If I try that look I just look stupid. Because I spend about 99% of my time with my husband I’ve become more of a tomboy than a girly girl yet I still feel I need to look feminine to be pretty. But to be feminine I can’t have my figure. I feel to be feminine I need to have a fragile, dainty body and walk with elegance. I’m short and stumpy with tiny hands and feet. I might as well be a hobbit. I just want to feel comfortable within my skin. I CAN look in the mirror and think I look nice but it doesn’t mean I feel comfortable because I’m not sure who is in the mirror. But maybe that’s a good thing?

It’s so hard to embrace a new face and body when you’re still stuck in the ugly duckling mind. If I walk out of the door thinking I look nice, I feel confident. But then if i see a girl who looks pretty, I feel ugly and embarrassed and want to change my clothes and cut my hair. I recognize my large nose and big front teeth and it’s like a transform into an ogre. I feel like I’m not allowed to look nice. Sometimes I don’t feel the need, I guess. My husband would call me beautiful whether I was wearing a glitzy dress or a huge shirt. Sometimes I dress up and when I look in the mirror, I see a frightened little girl, playing dress up and not getting anywhere near beautiful.

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Doomed before the beginning.

February 5, 2011

Do you ever feel like your background dooms you to a life of misery and failure?

In my family only one person (not including me) is in a happy relationship, however this is her second marriage. Not one person is my family has gotten it right first time and except this one person the rest are single and my parents are unhappily married. I feel like my relationship is doomed before we’re even married. With such an unhappy family and with the issues running throughout, I feel like my happiness is only an illusion to keep me going and that something has got to kill us before we get too happy. The fact that the majority of my family are over 50 and single and never had any parteners in the last 18 years makes me wonder what the future holds for me. I often wonder if I mistake my severe neediness for love which results in panic attacks due to the thought of not actually being able to love how normal people do. I then feel severe guilt for stringing J along because I don’t really know how to love. These awful thoughts and panic attacks really mess with our relationship and with my head. I love J. But my head doesn’t want me to, my head wants me to be alone so I don’t have to ever have conflict or become an independent adult in the outside world. My head wants me to hide away and be alone. My heart wants to marry J and start a new life and leave the past behind.

The problem is following my heart over my head. Because every now and then my head wants me dead.

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This is me, although what I am is not always me.

November 21, 2010

He puts up with everything because he knows that behind my anger, my ugly bitterness and my jealousy that there is something good. Otherwise I’m not sure why he’d stay, sometimes I feel it’s because he doesn’t want to be alone or because I buy him things and I am available 24/7. Or heaven forbid he might actually love me. Why be honest with someone if you don’t love or care about them?

If you love someone with BPD it’s hard to be heard over THEIR problems and THEIR struggle and I guess sometimes your problems become unimportant because you spend so much time worrying about their hurt and fears which are so overwhelming that you need to be on call when they want it or you’re in trouble. I will always try and fix his problems and even when I’m going through the biggest emotional set back, nothing will stop me being there for him. So, unfairly when I’m going through a huge emotional problem I expect him to fix it just like I was able to fix someting small of his. It’s like I can’t see the extent, I just see the problem and everything should be fixed even if it can’t be. Then I get mad and think, well if he won’t try he doesn’t love me, It’s like I’m blinded to what can be helped and what can’t be. I expect too much. I expect from him what I never had from my parents. Unconditional love, support through anything, no harsh critisisms, advice on where my life should go, I love when he tells me I can’t do something dangerous because it shows that he cares. My parents just say to me “it’s your life do whatever you want” and that says to me that they don’t care. I don’t just want a parent though, a parental figure yes but not a parent, I want a partener, a husband. And sometimes I feel he could do all the things in the world to make me happy and I would find a way to make him do more. My expectations of perfection need to be gotten rid of or I will lose him.

I admit this wholeheartedly that I become very scared and anxious when he would prefer to spend time with someone who isn’t me. Unless it is someone I know quite well myself then I become very paranoid and angry. I don’t force myself to be this way, it is fear that someone else is more appealing than me and therefore meaning he is going to leave me for more interesting people. I am not going to delete my last post as It is how I really felt at a given time and it is a true depiction of how I can become. I am not going to lie to any of you. I am here to be honest.

As always, I’m trudging on, S xx

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It’s the little things…

November 21, 2010

It’s always the little things. Those small little moments; some you cherish, some you don’t…

Today had one of the latter.

What started out as joy of seeing J for longer since he has an inset day and I asked if he’d stay over from the day before but then it turned sour:

“Cutie :p i might go to cinema on fri with<best friend> tho if thats okay… Xxxx”

Which instantly leads to disappointment, since I wouldn’t be able to see him after he’d already told me he’d had an inset day and would be able to see me then only to later tell me that he won’t be seeing me after all…

Okay I’ll stop pretending to be S now, I need to study her prose more closely to pull it off even remotely convincingly…

Anyway, what was a simple text informing S that I potentially wouldn’t be seeing her for the whole day received the usual blunt, emotionless but secretly angry and disappointed text that follows any sort of change of plan that leaves me having less time with her:

“So there was no point in the day off”

You get used to that kind of response, you begin to tell yourself you know when it’s coming and exactly what it means but sometimes, when you’re sitting alone in the dark, trying to catch up with the work you probably should have done ages ago; instead of gaming or seeing her to make yourself happy, you end up just giving an equally angry response back:

“Im sorry i havent seen my best friend in ages, i appologise that its such an inconvenience to you”

Yeah, it was nasty and spiteful and was just me snapping back at what I’d interpreted as her being about to snap at me. Then come the death threats:

“Yeah it really is i’ll just go kill myself now im so devestated. Dont get pissy with me for being upset over a change of plans that is told to me after I make plans.”

Boy, I shouldda seen that coming but unfortunately it’s only then that I realise me allowing myself to snap back always ends up with everything worse off. So I try to salvage the situation:

“It’s just difficult sometimes when i always feel that anything other than just seeing you seems to hurt you so much x”

Sad but true, at least in my opinion. I always sacrifice catching up with work the easy way with seeing her and I know she’ll instantly rebuke that saying I should spend less time gaming and more time doing work. The problem is that seeing S isn’t always has happy and cheerful as it can be, or as sometimes with both need it to be. The result being she needs to see me even more, yet I feel I should see her less to try and make myself happier by gaming with friends so that I can get through the next day. Now I’m not defending how much I game, I know that I do it too much and that I need to cut down, I guess I’m just wishing for someone to understand that sometimes it’ll be one of the few things that gets me through the week.

Still worried at the all too-real threat of suicide or at the least self harm I send another:

“Please don’t kill yourself, I love you xxxxx”

Then the reply:

“Your text was hurtful. Putting mean words into my mouth. And its nothing to do with seeing <best friend>. Its because you got me all excited about your day off and now im disappointed. Whyre twisting it to something else x”

Yeah, it was hurtful but so was yours to me. I didn’t mean to put words into your mouth, you’ve done that so many times it’s only natural to expect a repeat and I meant to tell you before, honestly I did but I forgot. When things are okay when I’m with you I’m always so filled with love for you but I always fail to express it other than saying ‘I love you’ then forgetting a minute later and saying it again… and again…. and again… Although this time I saw you I did buy you flowers, I was going to get blue ones but I thought I always get blue, perhaps orange for a change… you like oranges right? I felt bad when I got them though because they were quite cheap, at least a lot cheaper than I was prepared to pay… but I’d have felt silly with a small bunch of bright flowers… so I only got two in the end.

Then another text from her:

“And im not going to kill myself i was being sarcastic because that text i sent is how you see me.”
Oh…. well, okay. I’m crying now writing it, you can never Ever ignore a threat like that but it turns out she was just snapping back at me again… Oh.

Well yes, sometimes that is how I see you. I know that you are and can be very fragile sometimes, what might’ve been trivial to me is a huge, drastic change to the week for you.

I guess next time I just have to wind myself up tighter, keep myself on a higher alert, keep my guard up… so that I don’t make a silly mistake and forget to tell her something, even worse, to then snap back at her when I struggle to do the work that is expected of me…

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Self Loathing.

October 11, 2010

As you can probably tell I’m feeling like utter trash right now. So I thought while I’m in the mood I would talk about the self loathing side of BPD. You feel like everything in the world is your fault somehow, you believe the way you feel is all your fault and hate yourself for feeling that way and then feel loathing again and hate yourself for loathing yourself. You see the circle…

I’m kinda feeling like that right now and the most annoying thing is I know I have to talk about it in therapy, I think the biggest thing that actually makes me not behave how I usually do and feel the way that comes naturally to me is because I know I have to talk about it in therapy and I don’t want to because I know I’ll hate myself for being so immature and pitiful in the way I handle things. I think that self loathing would originate from not feeling loved as a child, not feeling like you have any friends or that no one cares. Then you come to the conclusion that there is something terribly wrong with you and that you aren’t worth loving. So from my views it’s been my mother loving a celebrity more than me and my dad never talking to me other than to say “you stupid child, whats wrong with you.” which was followed by hitting. Surely you’d think that a child would become fragile to the point that they would take care of themselves and be gentle with themselves but all that really happens is internalised rage exploding and then you end up mimiking the behaviours of the ones who neglected you.

“You hurt yourself on the outside to try and kill the thing on the inside”- Girl Interrupted.

“Self-hatred is also a prime feature of many personality disorders“- Wiki.

“You like the movie you live, You miss the train, Kill yourself.”- Winona Ryder playing the role of a girl with BPD.

I don’t want this to be seen as an emo teenager thing, I despise emos for glorifying the real pain that people feel. They make it good to self harm. It’s not good. It’s horrible and behind it is severe pain. I mean I say stupid things when I’m mad like “I want to throw myself out of the window” said about…maybe 5 minutes ago and I don’t even know why. I’m not going to but it’s how I feel and If I feel something I can’t seem to keep my mouth shut, I want people to care and for people to say “please don’t do it, I love you” because It’s all I want to hear, that people do want me here. This time I got back “I’m feeling bad again now”, so restarts the cycle, ruin someones mood, hate yourself. Yes, I am a stupid Bitch but I feel I deserve most of what I get that’s bad.

I haven’t cried yet but that always calms be down and changes my mood. I know that even after I post this I will regret it but I won’t take it down, it shows the bad times and I can’t erase them and pretend they don’t happen. Right now, I am worthless and if I am worthless it means I’m not upset about the way people treat me. You become numb, in a state where you believe that you should be mistreated otherwise why have you been? There’s got to be something wrong with you, right? Now I have to tell the therapist about today. Wonderful.

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My treatment at CAMHS.

September 28, 2010

CAMHS is where children and adolescents in England get help for mental health problems. I had my therapy at a community centre in an upstairs room where we would sit in a large room with my seat about 10 ft away from hers and with music playing downstairs and through the ceiling because there were elderly people having dancing classes.

My therapy had no real structure and no real objective, I just felt like I was being put in a room with a woman I didn’t really like. I became scared to actually go because I felt that every week I would get in trouble for not doing anything. I turned into the frightened little girl again. I explained that I wanted to see a pshychiatrist because I was feeling suicidal.

Now this is the hideous part, I am quite breathless right now with chest pain but I’m going to write it no matter how much it hurts.

The Psychiatrist, I believe, is the reason I am where I am now. I explained my fears of abandonment with my boyfriend and here’s what she said…

“Go back to school yourself, go to Uni, don’t hold onto him and waste your life. Let him go to Uni, he won’t wait for you. Do you expect to sit there and dream about your perfect life, where he comes back and still wants you. He’ll see this world open up to him and realise he wants to get out there, not get married and settle down. He’ll find someone on his course who shares his music interest anyway, won’t he? And you said you left your religion where you met him, even if he doesn’t believe it he won’t be with you because his parents are religous and wouldn’t let him, they would want their son to marry someone in the religion. They wouldn’t want him to marry you if you aren’t in their religion, it’s how things work. I did everything my parents wanted, I went to Uni and became a doctor because that’s what my family wanted. Kids do what their families want, he won’t rebel and be your knight in shining armour and go against them. Hmm? You shouldn’t even be engaged if you’re self harming, if you don’t like yourself how can he? You shouldn’t get married. And I see you have a side fringe that covers a little of your face, I’m guessing you think you’re unattractive. Do you cut yourself because you’re a goth? You don’t need meds, go back to school. Is there anything that troubled you in what I said?”

Obviously my own disgruntled grunts were edited out. But that was the basic gist. Now what I was saying in my head:

I am allowed to be engaged to him if I am in love with him, it is not her right to tell me that if i dislike myself sometimes I shouldn’t get married. She had no right to tell me that he will only go off with someone at Uni because of shared course interests. She had no right to paint a picture of a pathetic little girl waiting for her dream man to save her, she made me feel like a pathetic piece of rubbish.

She also seemed to have spoken to his parents about our relationship and they’d told her that they want their son to marry within the religion even though he isn’t part of it himself. Although, if he’s not in the religion doesn’t it show he has gone against his parents already and has a mind of his own?

Oh and the fringe, I have it because I like Cheryl Cole, bitch.

Don’t you love sympathetic psychiatrists who confirm all of your abandonment issues and tell you that of course you should worry about being left and that you don’t have a right to be in love or engaged? 🙂

It’s been almost a year since that has happened and I think it was right to come out now. We are still together and very much in love.