Archive for the ‘Education’ Category

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Such a Loser.

February 15, 2011

One of my biggest problems is self image, I was so beaten down in the past about my looks and in general the person that I am. This makes me feel like I’m not allowed to do things that other people are allowed to do because if I do it then immediately that thing is made “uncool”.

This has come about today with getting my second tattoo, my self esteem is in the ground so when they’re nice to me at the tattoo parlour sometimes I think they’re secretly laughing at me for wanting something they consider interesting and “cool”. I reckon they think I’m just a wannabe. I still feel like that ugly overweight, young teen who was hated for who she was and how she looked. This is why I’d never go back to education, she rears her ugly head moreso when with large groups of people my own age. I suddenly feel innadequate and stupid and unworthy, even though they may not treat me any different.

I don’t know how to shake the feeling of such hatred towards myself, I want to feel accepted by others of course but I don’t know how to accept myself and that’s a big issue. I don’t know how to be happy with who I am. If I’m asked about my tattoo or my wedding I shrink because I fear judgement and conflict, I start to change the subject or just smile politely and pretend I’m busy. Why can’t I just be proud of me?

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Doomed before the beginning.

February 5, 2011

Do you ever feel like your background dooms you to a life of misery and failure?

In my family only one person (not including me) is in a happy relationship, however this is her second marriage. Not one person is my family has gotten it right first time and except this one person the rest are single and my parents are unhappily married. I feel like my relationship is doomed before we’re even married. With such an unhappy family and with the issues running throughout, I feel like my happiness is only an illusion to keep me going and that something has got to kill us before we get too happy. The fact that the majority of my family are over 50 and single and never had any parteners in the last 18 years makes me wonder what the future holds for me. I often wonder if I mistake my severe neediness for love which results in panic attacks due to the thought of not actually being able to love how normal people do. I then feel severe guilt for stringing J along because I don’t really know how to love. These awful thoughts and panic attacks really mess with our relationship and with my head. I love J. But my head doesn’t want me to, my head wants me to be alone so I don’t have to ever have conflict or become an independent adult in the outside world. My head wants me to hide away and be alone. My heart wants to marry J and start a new life and leave the past behind.

The problem is following my heart over my head. Because every now and then my head wants me dead.

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Reality.

November 7, 2010

I felt like I really pissed my therapist off this week by being “difficult” but then I realised if I was willing to do everything she suggested and was able to do all these things with ease then I wouldn’t need to be there in the first place. Her job is to deal with me being difficult otherwise would I really be ill? I do live in a bubble. Reality from a young age has only done me wrong and therefore I have decided to stay away from reality. Thus ending in having to see a psychiatrist. My therapist says that living in my bubble is what makes me depressed but really it’s the small glimpses of reality that seep into my bubble that cause terror and despair. The idea of leaving my bubble almost breaks me. If I face reality, I see a failure, a reject and someone not worth anything who is destined to be poor with a family riddled with mental illness. In my bubble, I am a writer, an achiever, I am going to be married and have a family and live with happiness and security. And why can’t my bubble beliefs become reality? I pray they do but they are so knocked when reality does rear it’s ugly head. I know I’m hiding, I’m not oblivious to this.

Sometimes I do try to come back to reality, I have a positive moment, I start planning things I can do and then I think and think and something panics me and I retreat again. I curse my brain for letting me even consider stepping out of the bubble and then try and regather my thoughts and the reasons why I hide. I am safe. The thoughts of reality are the thoughts that threaten my life not the ones inside the bubble. The fear is that I know one day I will have to leave. Or will I? I’m just trying to have a simple life, my life up to this point has been chaotic and unpredictable, can you blame me for wanting simplicity. I’ve been severly weakened and just want a peaceful, simple life. Marriage, kids, a simple job, minimal chaos, no…madness. I’m not saying having a family is easy but I’m saying I don’t want years of travelling, degrees, difficulties. I should have been born in the time where life was all drawn out for you, everyone had the same life, the man went to work, the women had children and husbands and were looked after. I was born in the wrong era. I long to be looked after throughout my life, I want to be cared for, loved. I won’t put a career before family, I want my family to be happy, I want to care for them and be cared for by my husband in return. I want simple structure. I just want to be happy. I don’t care if I’m living in the old days, if it makes me happy who are people to judge.

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Social Anxiety Disorder, diagnosis number 2.

September 20, 2010

I always thought social anxiety disorder was for people with agoraphobia, I would never have thought my thoughts and actions towards other people were S.A.D because I am able to withstand being around people, just. I looked up social anxiety disorder and it shocked me, it wasn’t what I thought at all and described my feelings perfectly.

This especially surprised me:

“Generalized social anxiety disorder typically involves a persistent, intense, chronic fear of being judged by others and of being embarrassed or humiliated by one’s own actions.”

I just read this a few minutes ago while looking it up and now I just feel awful. I just thought those feelings were normal. I thought everyone worried constantly about what others were thinking about them when in social situations.

When with a group of people I will sit there nervous thinking “I bet she thinks my clothes are terrible” or “I hope they haven’t noticed that my eyebrows aren’t perfect” and I can’t enjoy social situations because of this. I feel like I turn back into the unattractive ten year old again who was overweight with huge eyebrows who was bullied for her appearance, when I’m around people I feel like her again. Obviously around close friends it’s different but around confident people or new people I feel completely insignificant compared to them. There will also be a person that I cling to a little just to feel safer. I know that all of these feelings have come from bullying from my family, church and peers. At one point I couldn’t be at church without my boyfriend at my side the whole time or I would have a panic attack.

I struggle to walk down the street without thinking “that person is looking at me and thinks I’m ugly” or I even turn away from people. I mean really confident loud people terrify me, I expect them to bully me for being shy, like they can smell my fear. I’ve been bullied in every community possible. Even primary school. Me and my friends were labelled as “freaks” by the “popular” girls who at 10 were looking at the boys and starting puberty early. I didn’t know why I was a freak I just knew I was one. At home I just had to trip on something and was shouted at and called stupid. I didn’t know why I was stupid I just knew I was.  Secondary school, the more attractive girls were intimidating and still are, I wouldn’t speak out of fear of being laughed at and if I did say anything in class I was called a boffin or if I said somehing wrong I would be laughed at. Then there was my GCSEs, I don’t know how I passed with nothing below a B. I was harrassed in my English class by a boy and girl, they called me the male version of my name and threw things at me and would sit right infront of me in class and just stare so close and laugh until I wanted to cry. My attendance was 75% in those two years, I missed at least a day a week, espcially thursdays and fridays when I had English. Yet I got 1 A*, 2 As and 7Bs in my GCSEs, I think would I have done better if it hadn’t been for them. If I saw them now I was be frightened. My friends would always get better grades them me too, I would get an A and but they would get A*s it seemed like it was some kind of plan by the teachers to make me feel beneath them. But that’s another insecurity thing. I fear every confident, cocky person in the world, I know that I’m just an embaressment and a joke to them and I better not say anything stupid. Fear of embaressment takes over my life. And CBT scares me because I feel that it makes me vulnerable. If I stop caring about getting embaressed I’m more likely to embaress myself because I don’t guard from it. How do you tell your brain “they’re not making fun of you or talking about you” when it’s always been the case?

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Ignorance: Take 2…no wait…take 5000.

August 28, 2010

I recently sent a message to a woman who was writing unpleasant things about my mother online. Admittadly some of the things were true but It felt very attacking and upset my mum a lot. I wrote in the message that I felt her approach to my mother was bullying and very immature (in a kind manner and not threatening or nasty). I told her if she’d like to read my blog then it’d be something better to do with her time, but I don’t think she will read this.

I received a reply, claiming “You are only 18 and admit you suffer from mental health; therefore in no frame of mind to judge my maturity level with yours.” No frame of mind! How dare you…Despite the fact is says mental health. We all have mental health, she did not state whether good or bad. My God, I have mental health…I have no judgement of character because I have a brain? Bloody hell, some people. Oh and she kept mentioning she was sorry I had depression and would pray for me. I didn’t say depression. Why does bad mental health mean depression?

*leaves and slams the door behind her*

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Get over it

July 12, 2010

The worst possible thing to say to someone who has a mentall illness or mental health problem. It isn’t something you can simply get over, it’s like saying get over a brain tumour because there is something that isn’t right in the functioning of the brain. Some mental health problems i guess you can “get over” with therapy if it was a small trauma but a mental illness? Ignorance. I always thought people knew what bipolar was because all my life I lived with it but i’m amazed at the amount of people who have never heard of it and education is so desperately needed, I know this may sound ridiculous but I was so happy when there was a bipolar story on casualty the other day, i know it’s just a tv show but it mattered that they wanted to portray the condition to people and give them a little education. The same with eastenders, nowadays tv seems to be the only way to really demonstate serious issues to people and i’m grateful to those that chose to do that.

If you feel the relation between mental illness and a brain tumour is overexaggerating then just think, the brain function is played with and it can lead to death, something may not be growing but it’s still life threatening.

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