Archive for the ‘Emotional’ Category

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Control

November 10, 2011

I have none. I really don’t. I watched “The 8 year old Anorexic” yesterday and I was shocked by it but my unstable mind was mostly thinking things like this:

“I wish I had that much control.

Look at all the attention she’s getting, maybe If I starved…

I wish I could starve myself, It’s so extreme even exciting.

I could be emotionally and physically unstable, then I would get looked after forever.”

Although having BPD can be unbearable at the same time to recover from my illness means not having reasons for people to look after me. If I’m ill I need help from people.

Now back to the self control, I write myself a note yesterday it said:

NO BURGERS.

NO PIZZA.

NO CHINESE.

Eat fruit.

Drink Water.

STOP EATING.

I was completely determined to do this, as I am every time I try and start something like this. But then my biggest addiction is food (after sex). It makes me feel so good and I can have it any time (unlike sex) I can just go into the kitchen and stuff my face and it feels so so good. The feeling I get from eating some delicious is euphoric. When I feel stressed or anxious (99.9% of the time, the 0.1% being after I’ve eaten) I eat but it’s not just simply eating it’s gorging myself until I feel sick. And it feels wonderful. I get so determined sometimes when I see anorexia programmes to just not eat and I make a plan but then I get hungry or I feel down and J will say I need to eat something and he’ll tell me that I’m allowed and I’ll use any excuse to stuff myself again. The thing is I feel so determined not to and then when it comes to it I really can’t stop. I can not eat but the days that I don’t I have a hell of a lot that I have done in that day so I have been too distracted to eat. It shows that I can do it I just need more distraction, like writing. I’m not craving anything right now because I’m distracted by this but as soon as I stop I know I’ll want to get some take-out. Although we do need to do food shopping today and I’m going to order loads of fruit because although fatty foods is very pleasurable, I had an apple yesterday and the sweetness was so delicious. So I think If I live off of apples, water, salads and sandwiches I’m not being too dangerous but I’m still tricking my brain into thinking I am by not eating loads of food. This isn’t about hurting myself as such, it’s about satisfying my mind into thinking I am because it is adamant on doing so.

People never think food is an addiction but it really is. Like anything can become an addiction. They just think people are fat and should stop eating, they don’t think that maybe this person is eating to stop all the hurt that is controlling their head. It’s such a stereotype to see a picture of a girl who has recently broken up with her boyfriend eating a big tub of ice cream. Food is a beautiful comfort. It used to just simply be for survival but with our over indulgence nowadays it’s normal to eat too much food just when we feel like it. I do get upset that I’ve put on two stone in a couple of months, I do but then when I feel shit I don’t care. I really don’t. Who cares If I’m huge, I want to eat, it’ll make me feel better. But then I know if I carry on like this by the age of 25 I’ll be so big that I’ll fall into a horrible depression. Then I’ll die. So I have two options, eat feel good, kill myself because I’m obese. Stop comfort eating, find distractions, potential of depression becoming more apparent due to not having comfort eating, kill self with depression.

At least the not eating has only a potential of suicide, right? Maybe I should try that one. Now I know there is one thing that could potentially balance the two things I would want. Eating food as much as I like but then not gaining any weight and abusing my body. But then after having a brief affair with vomiting numerous times a day and not eating a thing, I lost a tooth and losing my teeth is something that would cause any even worse depression than being fat. I can’t get my teeth back. It’s sad though because after I did all of this, I loved my body. I was size 12, I had never been size 12 before, I felt really feminine. It seems strange with the fact that I have constant stress and anxiety that I don’t lose weight but then it shows how much I do eat. I don’t go out a lot, which limits exercise but I do have a very high constant sex drive so that’s my majority exercise.

The reason behind BPD’s high sex drive and lack of self control is the extreme want of that thrill, that excitement to alleviate boredom and give pleasure. It takes you away from everything. The pleasure may not last as long as we wish but it’s something and if we can access it easily then all the better. Food is easy to get. Sex is easier to get if you’re in a relationship but then BPD promiscuity is of course a big issue in a relationship or not. I wouldn’t say it’s “sex addiction” I would call it simply addiction to things that make you feel good. Which with BPD is very limited. Simple things cannot please someone with BPD. I must say here again I am not promiscuous and I am faithful to J. But as a woman with a high sex drive, he can even  get frustrated with it. So I eat instead. When you’re so used to being ignored by parents as a child and often neglected you realise as you get older that sex can be a very good tool for attention. Again, I say this here that I know I’m started to sound like I sleep around and try and get men’s attention with my body but I’m only referring to the what I do around my Husband. My father loved my mother but only ever really wanted sex from her, so at a young age I learnt that men just want sex. Which, isn’t true but it is a dominating part of their lives. I won’t lie, I know women who when they feel a little neglected, walk past their partner in the nude and it usually get the desired result. Although I know that my husband doesn’t want JUST sex from me, it is so much easier to get his attention and time from offering it. It’s more enticing that sitting down for a nice chat. I just need to control it, I will use innuendos without noticing it and sometimes I just wish I would stop but then I’m so desperate for full attention that it just happens.

It’s sad to see how my father treats and looks at women because to a young daughter it teaches her to feel the need to degrade herself for a man to love her. I remember in the earlier stages of mine and J’s relationship and I would try and act a way that wasn’t me and he knew it. He would say to me, “you don’t have to do things like that to make me love you” and I was baffled. What was this? It had to be a trick. How could he love me if I didn’t take my top off. Was this what real, genuine men were like? It still confuses me and I’m still learning that J doesn’t just love me because I have breasts. My fathers view on women has really shaped the idea of who I am and his ideas are WRONG. We were be watching motorbike racing together and he would always say, “Look! You could be one of those starting line girl who wear mini shorts and hold up a sign”. He had some good future plans for me, he did. I know my dad was always a “lad” but then it doesn’t help your daughter to have any respect for herself. I never wore revealing clothes or caked my face in make-up. I had a lot of respect for my body and that was mainly down the the church I was in. But now I am not a part of it, I’m not AS strict as I was then. I still don’t walk around with my breasts out but If I want to wear a pair of shorts I will. J doesn’t like me wearing revealing clothing but he’s not one of those controlling men who will force me to change if I did. He just doesn’t want other men seeing me half naked.

Yes, I did completely steer off the subject but I always do.

I have learnt many dangerous things from my parents and this means that I do find it hard to have control over my actions because I know extreme actions get equally as extreme reactions. I would only get cared for if I was dying so sometimes dying can be very appealing. Not being dead, but dying. I want to be begged to stop harming myself. The fall that comes with that though is often with these actions, if you do them too many times, the person who has to experience what you’re doing can often just start to block it out. They think well you do this all the time and I give you the reaction you want yet you do it again so telling you I care doesn’t seem to help. As with everything, validation is temporary.

When being told to recover from BPD, it mean unlearning that bad things mean you get looked after. It means unlearning that para-suicide and suicide is the way to go when things get rough. It means unlearning that addictions will keep you going forever. But then it means learning that my husband does love me and I don’t need to keep asking him again and again and again whether he really does love me. It means learning that I have to look after myself sometimes and accept that everyone can’t look after me for me. It means learning Independence. It means you can’t just kill yourself when you miss the bus because you don’t want to have to feel any negative emotion. It means learning that food will help in the short term but in the long run your problems won’t just dissapear.

Both paths are hell but only one can lead to potential recovery. But then do I really want to recover. Not right now.

The reason I don’t go out much, why I study with distance courses is so I don’t have to be around people. Because the horror stories I hear about people with BPD  and how out of control their actions become scares me a lot. And I know I have a lack of control with sex, food and money and to put myself into the world gives a greater risk. I mean If I can have those problems when I don’t get out much what could happen if I were out there. I’m not willing to risk it.

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This is me, although what I am is not always me.

November 21, 2010

He puts up with everything because he knows that behind my anger, my ugly bitterness and my jealousy that there is something good. Otherwise I’m not sure why he’d stay, sometimes I feel it’s because he doesn’t want to be alone or because I buy him things and I am available 24/7. Or heaven forbid he might actually love me. Why be honest with someone if you don’t love or care about them?

If you love someone with BPD it’s hard to be heard over THEIR problems and THEIR struggle and I guess sometimes your problems become unimportant because you spend so much time worrying about their hurt and fears which are so overwhelming that you need to be on call when they want it or you’re in trouble. I will always try and fix his problems and even when I’m going through the biggest emotional set back, nothing will stop me being there for him. So, unfairly when I’m going through a huge emotional problem I expect him to fix it just like I was able to fix someting small of his. It’s like I can’t see the extent, I just see the problem and everything should be fixed even if it can’t be. Then I get mad and think, well if he won’t try he doesn’t love me, It’s like I’m blinded to what can be helped and what can’t be. I expect too much. I expect from him what I never had from my parents. Unconditional love, support through anything, no harsh critisisms, advice on where my life should go, I love when he tells me I can’t do something dangerous because it shows that he cares. My parents just say to me “it’s your life do whatever you want” and that says to me that they don’t care. I don’t just want a parent though, a parental figure yes but not a parent, I want a partener, a husband. And sometimes I feel he could do all the things in the world to make me happy and I would find a way to make him do more. My expectations of perfection need to be gotten rid of or I will lose him.

I admit this wholeheartedly that I become very scared and anxious when he would prefer to spend time with someone who isn’t me. Unless it is someone I know quite well myself then I become very paranoid and angry. I don’t force myself to be this way, it is fear that someone else is more appealing than me and therefore meaning he is going to leave me for more interesting people. I am not going to delete my last post as It is how I really felt at a given time and it is a true depiction of how I can become. I am not going to lie to any of you. I am here to be honest.

As always, I’m trudging on, S xx

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The Other Side- By J.

November 16, 2010

BPD means to me someone who is essentially confused, not by their own fault and not to imply that they are in any way mentally deficient, but confused in the sense that to others, they appear to understand little of their own desires. Although to a BPD sufferer, it may feel perfectly natural to be feeling fine one minute, then self destructive for no apparent logical reason the next – to an outsider this can be very difficult to understand.

BPD has affected me in the sense of how I understand and react to someone I hold truly very dear to my heart. Their mood does change a lot, sometimes without warning, sometimes for long periods, sometimes it just seems to change for the sake of it – but that’s okay. Sure it may be difficult to come to terms with, yet deep down all they ultimately desire is loving care and attention. The great cartoon S posted on here before summarised this perfectly:
“You’re going to abandon me like all the others, aren’t you?”
“No. I won’t.”
“Yes, you will.”
“No, I won’t. Look I’m not going to fulfil your stupid abandonment complex!”
“You would if you loved me.”

While it is easy to understand the second person’s point of view, the first person is just worried, probably from a history of firsthand experience, of how people have strongly tended to abandon them with little reason throughout their life. Hence the expectation and questioning fear that the same is going to happen again and also then suggesting an illogical method of the other proving their love to them.

Emotionally, the extremes do tend to run high – for both parties involved. Partner A gets mad/angry/upset/depressed for any reason, Partner B responds (at the very least internally,) in kind. Unchecked, this can quickly escalate beyond all proportion (especially if Partner B has a tendency to initiate arguments already – my bad) however reasoning behind Partner A’s emotional change in the first place can be flawed or merely a misinterpretation of an otherwise harmless situation. That’s not to say that they don’t have very good reason to be feeling the way they do, just that to others this reason is excessive, sometimes to the point of absurdity. Nevertheless, it is still entirely real for Partner A to be feeling the way they do.

It is difficult to explain, moreso is how one can develop BPD. My knowledge of it has been the sad truth of a tale of neglect, ignorant, arrogant, selfish treatment and quintessentially a lack of tender loving care. Suffice to say, fail to attend to someone’s needs, constantly be completely unreliable and then fail to apologise or even recognise your misdoings and you are allowing said person in your care to develop a personality disorder such as BPD as a coping strategy for everything you have put them through.

BPD can have far reaching and long term implications. Firstly, mood stability can, for the large part, be quite literally thrown asunder as the BPD sufferer reflects all of the emotional instability and inconsistency they have experienced onto others. Secondly, you or someone you care about has BPD be prepared to make concessions and to be as understanding as possible for what they yearn for most is someone who is going to be there and love them no matter what they say/do/feel/like/dislike at any given time of day! Whether or not they’ve just told you how they can’t see themselves surviving with or without you (assuming you’re the lover of said sufferer,) and have self harmed already in that day alone, what you must do is simply be there for them. Try to make them understand that you are there to help, that you are going to keep being there and that your love is entirely 100% unconditional. Okay so maybe it might not ‘actually’ be 100% unconditional (I think you have to draw the line somewhere, for me it would be something along the lines of wanting a sex change…) but they need to feel that way regardless.

Similarly, personally I have a habit of starting arguments (although I prefer the term discussions,) over simple things with unsurpassed ease! Although I think of it as being an interesting dialogue between two persons….. My dear S, for the most part, sees it simple as how we always argue; how we don’t get along and how we aren’t meant to be together. Now, honestly I am not trying to start arguments for the sake of arguments but to her it seems that way. To her it seems that what I consider utterly trivial becomes utterly essential – thus expressing the true core of our relationship – that we argue too much and aren’t right for each other and as much as I know that it will hurt her reading this, I know that is how it makes her feel. What I, therefore, need to do is to limit arguments as much as possible, to hold my tongue (for the majority of the time anyway ;P) and to try to approach and word the discussion differently in order to minimise any potentiality of an undesirable eventuality resulting in severe upset and emotional pain (which as always, poses the risk of leading to physical pain) for S. In contrast, what she must do is attend her CBT sessions and to try and understand things in a more… colourful view which doesn’t simply state any given situation as being either entirely unhappy or entirely perfect. I wish I could do more to help her, I really do, yet all I can say is to simply hang in there, keep trying and keep attempting to realise things in a broader, less extremist sense!

Lastly, why do I put up with all this crap? Simple. I love her, I want to be with her and by god I won’t let anyone or anything get in my way. I don’t care if she can be incredibly moody all the damn time because I love her for it! I love her for all the little quirks that make her her and I do my best to see the real her that can be hidden away behind emotional barriers and defence mechanisms because it just makes me love her even more.

THAT is why I put up with her. ❤

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Being Alone.

October 14, 2010

Dr L gave me a weekly schedule and made me write down one thing I would do each day to look forward too. She wrote down what I like to do, going to the theatre, blogging, cinema, reading, gaming and then she remarked “there doesn’t seem to be much here with other people”. I fell silent and then said “Yeah, I know but that’s how I like it, it’s less emotional work”, I added that literally all of my friends were now at Uni too so I couldn’t just walk down the road to see a friend anymore because everyones gone. She asked about all you lovely mentalists and I said sadly how we all live so far apart and can only have the occasional get together. If you all lived closer I know I’d see you a lot more. With the social anxiety, being alone, although sad sometimes is much more preffered. Speaking to people through a screen is fine for me and can make me feel less lonely.Every weekend I spend time with my boyfriend, so that’s my social interaction. Obviously my parents are at home and there’s the occasional “hello”. I’ve always preffered being either on my own or with something I’m really comfortable with and I don’t want that to change, what’s wrong with that? I don’t want to be a social butterfly, I like a lot of  my own space. When my friends were here I would see them on occasion and it’s not my fault they’re miles and miles away now but I honestly don’t mind being on my own. I can write and do whatever I want without having to consider what someone else wants to do. I have my friends on social networking sites and I talk to them and enjoy their “company” and knowing they’re there if I needed any advice. I mean the biggest seperator is the mental illness, I admit that, I feel safer around mentalists because if I’m feeling nervous or panicky at least they know what’s going on and know how to help. At the mad up I felt completely safe with about 20 strangers, and it’s all because we practically knew eachother deepest darkest “secrets” from our blogs so no one was hiding anything and it was all genuine. I knew I was safe with these people, whereas the thought of being surrounded by around 20 mentally ill people would terrify most…how things differ when you become part of something. I know Dr L will try and make me “get out there” but I’m okay with how things are now, sure I get lonlely sometimes but I’ve always been alone.

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Disney’s Dumbo and It’s BPD triggers for me.

August 23, 2010
I know this sounds absurd but I thought I would write about this because I couldn’t actually watch the movie all the way through and when I did turn it off I slipped into a short depression. I know this probably makes me sound like a bit of a sap but watch it, it’s a horribly sad/triggering film.

Trigger 1: Bullying. I just imagine him as a small child being laughed at for being different by adults. Feeling out of place.

Trigger 2: Naievity of the bad going on around you. He stays cheerful while things around him fall apart unaware.

Trigger 3: Danger: Mad Parent. Feelings of abandoment come to play as a parent is classified as insane and taken away from you.

Trigger 4: Being at ther height of anxiety and being pushed further than you can manage until you fall.

If anyone said to me which Disney Character are you most like, I’d always say Dumbo.
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Emotional/Physical Abuse…both just as damaging?

June 14, 2010


I believe they can be. If a child grows up being told they aren’t good enough, they’re “stupid”, as a teen and adult this will be what they believe of themselves. There are some who battle endlessly to prove their parents wrong yet with one fall it can feel like the parents are proved right then that stumble becomes a reason to not get back up again. They, to themselves become “worthless” just like they said, why would they say it if it wasn’t true?

Well they say it because they themselves have been hurt my their own upbringing. A child can’t fight back, so they become the next victim of what may have been a generation of emotionally damaging and neglectful behaviour that wasn’t corrected. Is it then up to the child to seek the help that’s needed so the actions aren’t repeated with their own children.

The difference with physical and emotional abuse is that the physical, if severe can be seen more clearly than any emotional effects. But they can be just as painful. Physical things are always taken more seriously that that which can’t be seen. This is the same for a mental ailment and a physical one. If someone cannot work because of a physical thing such as a broken leg or arm then that’s okay. If someone cannot work because they cannot control certain emotions and find concentration difficult without an angry outburst or crying then you get told “cheer up” “get over it”, I think this is wrong. Mental wellbeing can push you through any physical damage, with a broken leg you can still cope with day to day life. With emotional instability, every day can be painful and unwanted. Just because you can’t see a “mental illness” it does not give people to right to judge someone when they can’t cope with everyday life and say “we all have to do it”…just think some of us find it harder than others and we all may do it but the people who say that have ways of coping with “everyday” and have more control.

I’m not saying it’s better to be physically abused because it’s not, physical goes hand in hand with emotional. I just feel that emotional abuse can be overlooked because there aren’t bumps on bruises on the exterior.

How many times have you read about suicides over bullying? Sometimes it’s just over the internet. I have never understood “stick and stones can break my bones but words can never hurt me”…it may make someone feel good to say that to themselves at an older age but as a child everything that is said to you shapes your thoughts as a young adult and adult. So I’d change it to “sticks and stones can break my bones but words can never hurt me when I’m a fully developed adult who has never been emotionally abused or neglected”. Although that’s even doubtful.

In conclusion I got carried away and forget my original point so make of it what you will…go tell someone you love them today 🙂 ❤