Archive for the ‘Emotions’ Category

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The drinking culture.

October 17, 2011

There are two kinds of people who don’t drink. The extreme religious types and recovering alcoholics. I am neither and I don’t drink, yes I used to be very religious and learned my morals from a church but now I am no longer part of a religion I have chosen to keep the values which I feel will benefit my life. I don’t know if I will ever understand the concept of getting drunk for fun. I am not slating any of you who drink as I respect your right do to so, so please don’t attack me unnecessarily. I just don’t get it? I understand how someone would drink to numb the pain or self abuse but for fun? I am someone who constantly feels out of control and the last thing I would want is to really be out of control. As a young adult it does make me feel a bit of an outcast that I don’t want to drink alcohol and get drunk but then I’ve tried it once or twice and just felt like a fraud. It just wasn’t me, it wasn’t what I wanted to do. So now I’m weird because I don’t do it. I just don’t see how making an idiot out of yourself and then throwing up continuously can be seen as exciting? It sounds frightening to me. I don’t want to lose self respect or wonder who I may have slept with. I’ve had so many people really attack me for saying I don’t want to drink, it’s like instead of people hearing “I don’t like drinking alcohol” they hear “I hate black people”. I wrote this post because I was discussing Uni with a friend and he said “I’ve heard the first year of Uni is great because you get to get pissed all the time!” Great…I thought, isn’t University about studying for your future? All I hear outside my window every night are drunk people screaming or shouting at or attacking each other and it makes me scared. I remember a “friend” who said I was very high and mighty because I don’t like getting drunk and I just felt like I was talking to a brick wall. Everything I said was wrong and to him I hated everyone who drank alcohol but that’s not true. I dislike the alcohol. I have people in my family who NEED to drink to be sociable or loosen up and it makes me sad that they can’t achieve these things without being a little intoxicated. It’s a problem that nobody sees as a problem. We should be able to have fun without alcohol shouldn’t we? I can’t even count how many time I’ve heard “How can you have fun without drinking?!” And I just think well, I just don’t drink and enjoy other people’s company or whatever I’m doing. Isn’t it that simple? I’m not saying don’t have a drink to have fun I’m just saying people shouldn’t think it’s impossible to enjoy life without a few drinks. I’ve known alcoholics and how destroyed their lives can become and how it effects the people around them. Yet we freely allow ourselves to say “I need a few drinks to get loosened up.” There shouldn’t be a need…right? Or am I just horribly ignorant…Why am I so horribly different? And why do I have to feel so outcast because I want to have control and don’t enjoy the taste of alcohol. I don’t understand. All addictions are harmful and I just wish people were more careful. There are so many people who when they are upset, get a drink. That’s one of the bad habits that can turn anyone into an alcoholic. And nobody deserves to have to suffer with addiction. That’s why I don’t drink. If only I didn’t feel the need to have an excuse to not drink.

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Dear me,

June 29, 2011

Dear Little Me,

Why did you have to be so awkward. There are reasons why they never liked you, why they used you. Even your parents couldn’t love you enough, especially her, she only loved you if she wanted something. And he was always selfish, you were always second. Why couldn’t you just be good enough. You were always overweight and disgusting, that’s why they laughed at you. That’s why they called you a freak. You were just weird, not good enough to be their friends. They were better than you. Sure, you were smart but who cared about that? You thought maybe being smart would get you somewhere even if you weren’t attractive but you were just too quiet to be noticed. Plus, your friends were smarter than you anyway, so you were never smart enough. I know you tried to look nice but you made a fool of yourself. They laughed and asked what was on your face or what had you done to your hair. You just could never get it right. Your clumsiness made you stupid, your clumsiness made them hit you. You stupid child. Nothing made sense in your world anymore, you could never figure out why you were hated. But did they need a reason, you were just destined to be locked away. You hid a lot, I know, it was safer to be alone. You cried and made sure no one heard and if there was a knock on your door, your face was immediately bright and cheerful, of course nothing was wrong. But maybe you deserved to cry? Not that it mattered. No one would come. No one would know what to do with you. Even if they did, they would get sick of you and leave at the first chance. Why did you keep going? I don’t know what possessed you. Did you believe that one day, you would be saved? What made you think they would suddenly change and take care of you. Are you delusional? I think so. Who in your life has never stabbed you through the heart? Everyone is destined to break you because you are breakable. And hell, do you deserve it.

Love Adult Me.

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The comfort penguin.

February 5, 2011

When you have recurring feelings of emptiness and lonliness, sometimes the last thing you want is a human who can’t understand how you feel. I had a session with Dr L where I spoke of my night terror/panic attacks and my need for comfort in the night. I sleep with a light on and my door locked, my duvet up to my neck. I just don’t feel safe at night, this is where the problem comes, as J and I currently aren’t living together I can’t turn to him for comfort and reassurance and Dr L suggested that I have something to hug in the night so that I feel safer. I of course said “but aren’t I too old to have a cuddly toy in bed with me?”, she said that any technique that would stop me feeling fearful was worth it and that with my childhood robbed from me, I have a right to be a child sometimes. So off me and J went to Hamleys to look for a cuddly companion for me, I didn’t want a teddy bear, their stances mean that their legs go in to your stomach if you hold them, plus I wanted something different. I then saw this soft lovely beaked creature and when I picked it up and held it I couldn’t put it back, it was perfect. Soft, protecting and reassuring.

And here he is:

Even when me and J are living together I can still see myself having Pengy with me, It’s silly really how safe an inanimate can make me feel but it’s like when a child has an object that keeps them safe. I believe that with BPD there is a part of us that is still a child, that is yearning to have those comforts that children have because we never experienced them at the right time. I took pengy to my grandmas when I stayed there a week ago and unfortunately left him there so my sleep hasn’t been the best and I’ve actually become quite distressed without him, I hope this doesn’t become a problem and that I can get him back soon.

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Dreaming of Trauma.

November 17, 2010

Well where do I start, I have a long dream last night and it was filled with traumas from the past. Not one, but four. My dads hospitilisation, my bullying, a stalker and being humiliated. The bully and stalker story were kind of put together, I was wandering round a hotel and behind the bar working was D, my secondary school bully. At school i was nervous about turning a corner in case he was there and if he was I would panic and try and go another way, I think my friends felt I was overreacting but I was genuinely scared of him. So when i saw him in my dream i panicked, i was with J so i said who it was but then I said hes probably grown up a lot now, he wont do anything so we went and got a drink. D looked up at me and did that horrible grin he would do when he would laugh at me and said so arent you going to say anything to me? By which I replied I was expecting something from you first, he grinned again and then called me the male version of my name as he would at school and my stomach wretched and I left my drink and ran and every corner I seem to turn he was there. He walked over to me and I fell to the floor and screamed for someone to help me, a friend call Amy who in school was friends with us both and would help me came over and shouted for him to leave me alone. At this point I was lying on the floor crying and shaking. Throughout the dream Amy stayed with me and would ward him off when he appeared.

This dream not only resembled my bullying but also a stalker, at a holiday resort when I was 8 a boy approached me in a pool, he said his name was Phil and he was 13. He asked if i would be his girlfriend and I said no I was only 8. He then got closer to me and said “is it because im mentally diabled?!” he was but not severly and that wasnt the reason. I was 8 for heavens sake. I made my dad take me out of the pool and leave. I didnt tell my dad because as always ive had to deal with my traumas myself as my parents can never seem to help me. I knew dad would have laughed if i told him. Throughout the holiday, phil would appear and threaten me and get mad that I wouldnt be his girlfriend. I was scared to leave my room. I remember crying and praying that I wouldnt see him for the rest of the holiday. And I didn’t but the fear was still there and the fact I still remember it so clear shows how much it affected me.

Now my second dream last night put my dads hospitilisation and humiliation together. We were at a long table, me, my dad and about 6 doctors. We were discussing why dad should be hospitilised. Throughout the meeting my dad kept getting up and saying unusual things or needing to pace, he was manic and occasionally psychotic. I was terrified and said this to this doctors then everyone in the room burst out laughing and someone said through laughter “you’re so stupid!”

I woke up feeling anxious, shakey and broken. My dads psychosis and mania were scary enough. But when people laugh at me it breaks me down. Even as a child I couldnt bear people laughing at me even if i did something cute or funny, the only laughing I’d known was taunting. One family gathering we were playing a game round a big table, it was bill’s go and I said “your go Billy boy!” the whole family burst out laughing and I burst into tears, I was a humiliated little girl.

I spoke with my aunt about it recently and she said that if I did anything sweet or lovely and someone laughed I would fly into a rage and cry. I was shocked to hear this because it just shows how my illness didnt just happen but has developed from such a young age. I don’t know which of the 4 events were more damaging.

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The Confusion of Love

October 28, 2010

No this isn’t another lovey dovey post, this is something very scary and ultimately serious.

When you grow up, you gain what you to believe love is from your parents. So when you get mixed messages it can make love seem very odd and confusing in romantic relationship. A lot of people abused by their parents end up in abusive relationships later in life and some people think it’s just coincidental. But in a way it’s what we know as love. I’m not in an abusive relationship just to clarify but I do sometimes wonder why he’s so nice to me when I know I would let him hurt me. I remember after being with him for a few months I thought…he’s so nice to me, I didn’t expect this to be love or is this not love? If its not what is it? It was like ecstacy to be treated so wonderfully and still does yet when we argue it makes me feel safer. Because perfect love would make me feel suspicious.

A friend of mine with BPD and Bipolar spoke to me about this, her many abusive relationships because if her parents abused her and her parents loved her then weren’t they one in the same? Abuse meant they loved her. She craved the wrong kind of men because they were exciting, dangerous and they would treat her like her parents, with their love. I understood everything she was saying and it was painfully sad. Theres so much confusion to what love is when you grow up to “abusive love”. Luckily I think I’ve gotten a hang of this love thing, although I’m always suspicious of people being nice to me and their motives. I don’t feel I deserve it and don’t know why they’re even doing it…I understand why they aren’t very nice. My angry outbursts, my manipulation, my depression, whatever I get from people that’s negative I don’t question it, I take it. Love is something some of us need to learn to accept or even understand and for some they may never learn what it really is.

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Self Loathing.

October 11, 2010

As you can probably tell I’m feeling like utter trash right now. So I thought while I’m in the mood I would talk about the self loathing side of BPD. You feel like everything in the world is your fault somehow, you believe the way you feel is all your fault and hate yourself for feeling that way and then feel loathing again and hate yourself for loathing yourself. You see the circle…

I’m kinda feeling like that right now and the most annoying thing is I know I have to talk about it in therapy, I think the biggest thing that actually makes me not behave how I usually do and feel the way that comes naturally to me is because I know I have to talk about it in therapy and I don’t want to because I know I’ll hate myself for being so immature and pitiful in the way I handle things. I think that self loathing would originate from not feeling loved as a child, not feeling like you have any friends or that no one cares. Then you come to the conclusion that there is something terribly wrong with you and that you aren’t worth loving. So from my views it’s been my mother loving a celebrity more than me and my dad never talking to me other than to say “you stupid child, whats wrong with you.” which was followed by hitting. Surely you’d think that a child would become fragile to the point that they would take care of themselves and be gentle with themselves but all that really happens is internalised rage exploding and then you end up mimiking the behaviours of the ones who neglected you.

“You hurt yourself on the outside to try and kill the thing on the inside”- Girl Interrupted.

“Self-hatred is also a prime feature of many personality disorders“- Wiki.

“You like the movie you live, You miss the train, Kill yourself.”- Winona Ryder playing the role of a girl with BPD.

I don’t want this to be seen as an emo teenager thing, I despise emos for glorifying the real pain that people feel. They make it good to self harm. It’s not good. It’s horrible and behind it is severe pain. I mean I say stupid things when I’m mad like “I want to throw myself out of the window” said about…maybe 5 minutes ago and I don’t even know why. I’m not going to but it’s how I feel and If I feel something I can’t seem to keep my mouth shut, I want people to care and for people to say “please don’t do it, I love you” because It’s all I want to hear, that people do want me here. This time I got back “I’m feeling bad again now”, so restarts the cycle, ruin someones mood, hate yourself. Yes, I am a stupid Bitch but I feel I deserve most of what I get that’s bad.

I haven’t cried yet but that always calms be down and changes my mood. I know that even after I post this I will regret it but I won’t take it down, it shows the bad times and I can’t erase them and pretend they don’t happen. Right now, I am worthless and if I am worthless it means I’m not upset about the way people treat me. You become numb, in a state where you believe that you should be mistreated otherwise why have you been? There’s got to be something wrong with you, right? Now I have to tell the therapist about today. Wonderful.

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Social Anxiety Disorder, diagnosis number 2.

September 20, 2010

I always thought social anxiety disorder was for people with agoraphobia, I would never have thought my thoughts and actions towards other people were S.A.D because I am able to withstand being around people, just. I looked up social anxiety disorder and it shocked me, it wasn’t what I thought at all and described my feelings perfectly.

This especially surprised me:

“Generalized social anxiety disorder typically involves a persistent, intense, chronic fear of being judged by others and of being embarrassed or humiliated by one’s own actions.”

I just read this a few minutes ago while looking it up and now I just feel awful. I just thought those feelings were normal. I thought everyone worried constantly about what others were thinking about them when in social situations.

When with a group of people I will sit there nervous thinking “I bet she thinks my clothes are terrible” or “I hope they haven’t noticed that my eyebrows aren’t perfect” and I can’t enjoy social situations because of this. I feel like I turn back into the unattractive ten year old again who was overweight with huge eyebrows who was bullied for her appearance, when I’m around people I feel like her again. Obviously around close friends it’s different but around confident people or new people I feel completely insignificant compared to them. There will also be a person that I cling to a little just to feel safer. I know that all of these feelings have come from bullying from my family, church and peers. At one point I couldn’t be at church without my boyfriend at my side the whole time or I would have a panic attack.

I struggle to walk down the street without thinking “that person is looking at me and thinks I’m ugly” or I even turn away from people. I mean really confident loud people terrify me, I expect them to bully me for being shy, like they can smell my fear. I’ve been bullied in every community possible. Even primary school. Me and my friends were labelled as “freaks” by the “popular” girls who at 10 were looking at the boys and starting puberty early. I didn’t know why I was a freak I just knew I was one. At home I just had to trip on something and was shouted at and called stupid. I didn’t know why I was stupid I just knew I was.  Secondary school, the more attractive girls were intimidating and still are, I wouldn’t speak out of fear of being laughed at and if I did say anything in class I was called a boffin or if I said somehing wrong I would be laughed at. Then there was my GCSEs, I don’t know how I passed with nothing below a B. I was harrassed in my English class by a boy and girl, they called me the male version of my name and threw things at me and would sit right infront of me in class and just stare so close and laugh until I wanted to cry. My attendance was 75% in those two years, I missed at least a day a week, espcially thursdays and fridays when I had English. Yet I got 1 A*, 2 As and 7Bs in my GCSEs, I think would I have done better if it hadn’t been for them. If I saw them now I was be frightened. My friends would always get better grades them me too, I would get an A and but they would get A*s it seemed like it was some kind of plan by the teachers to make me feel beneath them. But that’s another insecurity thing. I fear every confident, cocky person in the world, I know that I’m just an embaressment and a joke to them and I better not say anything stupid. Fear of embaressment takes over my life. And CBT scares me because I feel that it makes me vulnerable. If I stop caring about getting embaressed I’m more likely to embaress myself because I don’t guard from it. How do you tell your brain “they’re not making fun of you or talking about you” when it’s always been the case?